Jay Leno Quotes and Sayings - Page 1

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“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.”
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Christmas #Wise
“A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.”
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #Tunnels #Snow
“The Olympics start on Friday, and Russia is implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. During the games, the government will monitor every email, every social media message, and listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are even comparing Russia to the United States, that's how bad it is.”
-- Jay Leno

#Friday #Russia #Phones
“Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Romantic #Valentines Day
“You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.”
-- Jay Leno

#Relationship #Mad #Laughing
“With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”
-- Jay Leno

#Country #Fire #Bird
“You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million PowerBall lottery? ... Former Democrats”
-- Jay Leno

#Two #Winner #Democrat
“One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama.”
-- Jay Leno

#Believe #Winning #Night
“These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten.”
-- Jay Leno

#White #People #House
“Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?”
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Money #Thinking
“Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.”
-- Jay Leno

#Thinking #Kentucky #Jelly
“President Obama is coming under criticism now for not meeting with his jobs council. He hasn't met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason Obama hasn't met with his job council in six months? They're all out looking for jobs.”
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #Criticism #President
“The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.”
-- Jay Leno

#Funny #Humorous #Medicine
“Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's.”
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #President #Biden
“President Obama's re-election campaign said that this year they'll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There's so many foreclosures it's tough to tell where people live.”
-- Jay Leno

#Doors #Years #People
“President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. Itâ€™s all the same.”
-- Jay Leno

#Girlfriend #Real #President
“The White House is now urging Americans not to 'read too much' into last week's jobs report. In fact, they said it would be best if you didn't read it at all.”
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #White #House
“According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama's Twitter followers are fake. They don't even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn't be any jobs for them.”
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #New York #Fake
“According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.”
-- Jay Leno

#Liars #Eye #Funny Relationship
“In an interview with Univision, President Obama said if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you can't change Washington from within. So what is he saying - that if we want real change, we should throw him out?”
-- Jay Leno

#Real #President #Want
“In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.”
-- Jay Leno

#Greek #President #Unemployment
“A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter.”
-- Jay Leno

#Reading #Men #Florida
“The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.”
-- Jay Leno

#Iraq #Support #Today
“The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.”
-- Jay Leno

#War #Names #Political
“Oh, here's your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It's his money. It's his money she spent.”
-- Jay Leno

#Vegas #Government #People
“President Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa, where he will promote freedom, democracy, and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn't worked here - so try it somewhere else.”
-- Jay Leno

#Opportunity #Long #Democracy
“President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?”
-- Jay Leno

#Thinking #President #Bills
“How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?”
-- Jay Leno

#Government #Worried #Starting
“President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.”
-- Jay Leno

#Jobs #Yesterday #President
“Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.”
-- Jay Leno

#Morning #Jobs #Yesterday

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