Funny Christmas quotes
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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
-- Andy Borowitz -
Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.
-- Andy Borowitz -
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
-- Andy Borowitz -
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
-- Anthony Jeselnik -
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Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around.
-- Bryan White -
Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone.
-- Charles M. Schulz -
My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.
-- Dave Barry -
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
-- Demetri Martin -
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Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.
-- Douglas Coupland -
Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day.
-- Helen Steiner Rice -
We have a small, tight family. I left home at a young age and the best thing for me was to go home at Christmas-time and spend time with my family and friends. It's kind of funny, most people do turkey and all the trimmings, but we would have a big seafood festival because it's the only time of the year that we'd eat it. We never really went caroling, but once in a while we'd got out for a sleigh ride
-- Jimmy Roy -
The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: "Some assembly required."
-- John Leo -
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I have had a holiday, and I'd like to take it up professionally.
-- Kylie Minogue -
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.
-- Louis C. K. -
I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!' Then if there's a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'
-- Marc Maron -
All New Years is to me is for taking down your dumb Christmas decorations. People who put up Christmas decorations, all they're saying is, 'Hey, we're not Jews.'
-- Rich Vos -
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Last Christmas someone stole my present. I've spent this year living in the past.
-- Terry Alderton -
I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
-- Winston Spear
