Richard Jeni quotes

  • I dont get that -- people going to war over religion. I dont know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if youre going to war over religion, now youre just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.
    -- Richard Jeni

    #Revenge #War #People

  • I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
    -- Richard Jeni

    #New York #Funny Relationship #Thinking

  • Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'
    -- Richard Jeni

    #Beach #Feet #Guy

  • The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
    -- Richard Jeni

    #Nuts #Differences #Firsts

  • A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.
    -- Richard Jeni

    #Yoga #Hypocrite #Yelling

  • A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.
    -- Richard Jeni

    #Running #Hypocrite #Gay

  • I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
    -- Richard Jeni

    #Tattoo #Regret #Thinking

  • America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!
    -- Richard Jeni

    #America #Twenties #Aliens

  • The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'
    -- Richard Jeni

    #Sex #Fire #People

  • It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
    -- Richard Jeni

    #Marriage #Country #Divorce

  • The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
    -- Richard Jeni

    #Fighting #Flying #Hindenburg

  • Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
    -- Richard Jeni

    #Religious #War #Killing

  • When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
    -- Richard Jeni

    #Life #Men #Nuts

  • You know what the average person is? Average.
    -- Richard Jeni

    #Average #Average Person #Persons