Colin Mochrie famous quotes

We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out
-- Colin Mochrie

#Trying #Dinosaurs

I have so many evil plans, I'm just trying to find the one which would be best right now!
-- Colin Mochrie

#Evil #Trying #Would Be

Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!
-- Colin Mochrie

#Believe #People #Nine

I was a bookworm. Every week I'd go to the library and get seven books. Remember libraries? I wonder if people still go. And I learned about everything from the library. I came from a Scottish family. Old school.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Book #Old School #People

Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Flower #Order #Police

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Spain #Reindeer #Red

For as long as I can remember I've had memories.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Memories #Long #Remember

My mother on her death bed told me, 'Where the hell did that kangaroo come from!?' - it just popped out of nowhere and punched her in the head and caused a cerebral hemorrhage, so I thought I'd move to a country where there were no kangaroos!
-- Colin Mochrie

#Country #Mother #Moving

There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Beautiful #Sexy #People

I have many favorite artists...Van Gough as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!
-- Colin Mochrie

#Artist #Vans

I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Lines #Practicals #Practical Joke

It all started with a badly timed bald joke!
-- Colin Mochrie

#Jokes

There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Years #Skills #Lucky

Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?
-- Colin Mochrie

#Rivers #Dying #Fishes

You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school.
-- Colin Mochrie

#School #Band #Typos

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It's not like the sheep was underage.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Sheep #Gentleman #Jury

Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Mother #Worry #Witness

You don't sweat much for a fat girl!
-- Colin Mochrie

#Girl #Sweat #Fat Girl

The Hills are alive with the sound of CRAP!
-- Colin Mochrie

#Sound #Alive #Hills

I believe it was Shakespeare who said, 'All the world's a stage, and you are CRAP!'
-- Colin Mochrie

#Believe #World #Stage

I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Pessimist #Projects

To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Hard Work #Discipline #Talent

As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Kids #Two #Laughing

When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Trust #Everything Happens For A Reason #Work Out

Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Years #Two #Stories

We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Elephants #Documentaries

The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Revenge #People #Said

I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Thinking #Two #Challenges

My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Skills #Accomplishment #Important

And if that isnt the truth, it would be a lie.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Lying #Would Be

Give me liberty! Or a bran muffin!
-- Colin Mochrie

#Giving #Liberty #Muffins

Did you know that..........'embargo' spelled backwards is 'o grab me
-- Colin Mochrie

#Embargo #Backwards

After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty has a great fall.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Summer #Fall #Disappointing

Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Husband #Wife #Married

This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Beverly Hills #Cleveland #Hills

Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Crazy #Thinking #People

I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Beauty #Handsome

But you know, we have more hits than you can possibly think about. One of my personal favorite artists is the wonderful artist named Cher. And although I love much of her late stuff, her early stuff was the stuff that I really, really loved.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Artist #Thinking #Stuff

Every song a hit, every hit a smack!
-- Colin Mochrie

#Song #Smack

You know, if I don't make it when I go out there in that weather balloon into that thunder storm. I want, you to take your ear and give it to my wife.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Weather #Giving #Wife

Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Real #Long #People

Hi. There was a big accident, some people got decapitated, here are their names... You know what? That shirt really makes you look fat. I mean, the colour's all wrong... I mean, who shot the drapes?
-- Colin Mochrie

#Mean #Names #People

Hi, well soon return you to the dyslexic production of Bitty Bitty Chang Chang...
-- Colin Mochrie

#Return #Wells #Dyslexic

When you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling 'em up in a carpet and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead!
-- Colin Mochrie

#Rolling #Ems #Burning

He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye, and had that sort of milky film over the other one, ya..ya know, ya know what I mean? But still he was my identical twin.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Mother #Mean #Eye

Hey, come on, I've seen younger faces on money. Money.
-- Colin Mochrie

#Hey #Faces

What kind of FBI agent are you?
-- Colin Mochrie

#Agents #Kind #Fbi