Doug Benson quotes

  • I saw a dog in a cage. And that cage had a sign on it that said, 'I bite.' And I was like, 'That is good to know doggy, but that's not the most important thing about you. You should make a sign that says, 'I make signs.''
    -- Doug Benson

    #Dog #Important #Saws

  • I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Girlfriend #Lying #Men

  • Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Guy #Genius #Used

  • In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'
    -- Doug Benson

    #Weather #Waiting #Faces

  • People say pot-smokers are lazy. I disagree; I'm a multitasking pot-smoker: just the other day I was walking down the street, I was putting eyedrops in my eyes, I was talking on my cell phone, and I was getting hit by a car.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Eye #Phones #Cells

  • Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?
    -- Doug Benson

    #Grandma #Smell #Car

  • Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?
    -- Doug Benson

    #Marijuana #Today #Tomorrow

  • A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Complaining

  • Fortunately, most of my friends in comedy that smoke pot are almost as open about it as I am, and in some cases more so. But most that appear, it's more about friendship with me than making some statement about pot. I'm sure those of my friends who are onscreen smoking might have a little regret, but there's not too much of it.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Regret #Smoking #Littles

  • LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Lines #Pajamas #Jammies

  • Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Men #Shows #Agree

  • A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Weed #Kids #Thinking

  • I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Beer #Games #Eight

  • You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Night #Circles #Wake Up

  • The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Sunday #Up Early #Great Things

  • Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won't shut the hell up about it.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Long #People #Smoking

  • If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because I've put it out there that that's what I do.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Mad #Smoking #Want

  • That dude Stephen Falk that created You're The Worst, he used to work on the show Weeds, and we sort of came across each other then because he's a fan of podcasts, and he would listen to Doug Loves Movies. And then I auditioned for a part on Weeds and didn't get it, but it was an episode that he had written, so it was his idea to bring me in.We just sort of kept in touch. And then eventually, he and other cast members of You're The Worst were guests on Doug Loves Movies.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Weed #Ideas #Movie Love

  • We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Smoking #Want #Able

  • I like Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like Dawn of the dead because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Children #Taken #Chocolate

  • I'm not physically harming any of these people by being high, and it's just interesting to see that I feel like my values and morals don't change at all when I'm high, but that's a constant. The thing that changes when I'm high is I am happier, and I'm not good with numbers.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Numbers #People #Interesting

  • People come to me with ideas for shows, and I certainly am thinking of stuff all the time. And it's always like, you know, "Get high and drive a car!" Or "Get high and do this or that." It's always things like, "Well, that's a terrible idea to get high and do that." So, when they came to me with this, I was like, "Well, you're just sitting there and discussing cases."
    -- Doug Benson

    #Thinking #Ideas #Car

  • Never really intended to be a comedian, just sort of fell into that, but always wanted to be in show business, or something to do with making comedy.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Comedian #Comedy #Shows

  • Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Advice #Your Future #Plans

  • Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.
    -- Doug Benson

    #Zero #Cat #Two