London Olympics Quotes:

Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, London Olympics, Yesterday, Jersey Shore

Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!

- Stephen Colbert

topic: Funny, London Olympics, Ass, Doping

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

- Stephen Colbert

topic: Funny, Winning, London Olympics

Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, London Olympics, Years

Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya.

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Horse, London Olympics

Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Girlfriend, London Olympics

The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, London Olympics, Greek

Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Athlete, London Olympics, Second Thoughts, Ramadan

Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'

- Jimmy Fallon

topic: Funny, Monday, London Olympics, Armstrong, Steroid

It was a great Olympics - Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow - especially when they had to make all of our "We're #1" T-shirts.

- Jimmy Fallon

topic: Funny, Team, London Olympics

Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it's going ot be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.'

- Jimmy Fallon

topic: Funny, Country, London Olympics, Opening Ceremony, Announcing

I grew up not really thinking I had a disability. I grew up thinking I had different shoes

- Oscar Pistorius

source: "Sporting world shocked by Pistorius arrest". "The World TODAY" with Timothy McDonald, www.abc.net.au. February 15, 2013.

topic: Thinking, Shoes, Different, Olympic Games, London Olympics

The female body is a masterpiece. Everyone likes to look at the female body, especially in dynamic, athletic sport.

- Natalie Cook

topic: Sports, Athletic, Female, London Olympics, Female Body

I hope that this medal inspires the kids at home to put down guns and knives and pick up a pair of trainers instead.

- Erick Barrondo

topic: Home, Athlete, Kids, Olympic Games, Olympic Medals

I have been dubbed 'the girl who puts the glamour into hammer'

- Sophie Hitchon

topic: Girl, Athlete, Hammers, Olympic Athlete, London Olympics

The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not winning but taking part; the essential thing in life is not conquering but fighting well.

- Pierre de Coubertin

topic: Fighting, Winning, Aquariums, Olympic Games, Olympic Medals

The Geiger-counter of Olympomania is going to go zoink off the scale,

- Boris Johnson

topic: Scales, London Olympics

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

- Craig Ferguson

topic: Funny, Team, Sailing, Limes, London Olympics

Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.

- Jay Leno

topic: Funny, Team, Night, London Olympics

An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming.

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Loss, Swimming, London Olympics

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.

- Craig Ferguson

topic: Funny, Sports, Growing Up, Connecticut, Equestrian

The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn't aired yet. NBC apologized saying, 'We're just not used to people watching our network.'

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Swimming, Nbc, London Olympics

Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

- Craig Ferguson

topic: Funny, Night, Doctors, London Olympics

Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Struggle, Eight, Organizer, Empty Seats

So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Home, Athlete, Ladies And Gentlemen, London Olympics

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.

- Craig Ferguson

topic: Funny, Swimming, Names, Speedos, London Olympics

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

- David Letterman

topic: Funny, Country, Winning, London Olympics

The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him.

- Jimmy Fallon

topic: Funny, Athlete, Winning, South Korea, London Olympics

I always try to see the good in everything, and that gives me strength. Even when I lost in the London Olympics quarterfinals, I said to myself, 'Don't lose heart, God has his own plans.' Actually, life just goes on; you have to accept whatever challenge you face and become stronger.

- Vijender Singh

topic: Heart, Giving, Challenges, Give Me Strength, London Olympics

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

- David Letterman

topic: Funny, Father, Team, London Olympics

Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.

- Jay Leno

topic: Funny, Chinese, Olympics, London Olympics, Borrowing Money

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

- David Letterman

topic: Funny, Son, Night, Opening Ceremony, London Olympics

This year's Olympics will be replacing the women's beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of 'Buzzkillistan.'

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Volleyball, Beach, Dress Code, Beach Volleyball

In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.

- Jay Leno

topic: Funny, Fighting, Games, Ceasefire, London Olympics

The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.

- Jay Leno

topic: Funny, Queens, Ears, Queen Of England, London Olympics

The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Country, Nice, London Olympics

Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Player, Night, Badminton, London Olympics

Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school - kind of like Mitt Romney.

- Jay Leno

topic: Funny, Running, School, London Olympics, Bolts

Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.

- Jay Leno

topic: Funny, Soccer, Congratulations, London Olympics, Soccer Team

Wasn't it thrilling when the U.S. Women's team took home the gold in gymnastics? A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than Chinese kids? That never happens.

- Jay Leno

topic: Funny, Teenager, Team, London Olympics

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

- David Letterman

topic: Funny, Running, New York, Ladies And Gentlemen, London Olympics

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

- David Letterman

topic: Funny, Horse, Stars, Dancing With The Stars, London Olympics

It is a testament to the fundamental honesty of football that Israel, with nothing to play for, overcame Russia in Tel Aviv on Saturday. The sport has its faults, but this basic trust is the reason Wembley holds 80,000 and could take more and the track and field venue for the London Olympics will be reduced after the event to the same capacity as the home of Wigan Athletic.

- Martin Samuel

topic: Soccer, Sports, Football, Wigan, London Olympics

By bringing Little Sun to Tate Modern and the London Olympics, I hope to realise an art project for those who typically have no access to global events of this scale.

- Olafur Eliasson

topic: Art, Olympics, Littles, London Olympics, Art Projects

It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Race, Mcdonalds, London Olympics, Records Breaking

I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.

- Craig Ferguson

topic: Funny, Country, Gymnastics, London Olympics

Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Player, Eight, Badminton, London Olympics

The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.

- Jay Leno

topic: Funny, Flames, Games, London Olympics

Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Athlete, Men, Saudi Arabia, Female Athlete

An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, 'What are we fighting for, man?'

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Funny, Fighting, Marijuana, London Olympics