Paul Reiser quotes
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People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry.
-- Paul Reiser -
The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.
-- Paul Reiser -
Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.
-- Paul Reiser -
Upstate New York in the middle of October. You can't get more beautiful than that.
-- Paul Reiser -
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Get a good dog. We have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years.
-- Paul Reiser -
From the minute we're born, boys and girls stare at each other, trying to figure out if they like what they see. Like parade lines, passing each other for mutual inspection. You march, you look. You march, you look. If you're interested, you stop and talk, and if it doesn't work out, you just get back in the parade. You keep marching, and you keep looking.
-- Paul Reiser -
They're not the sharpest people - babies. So, you must be everything to them.
-- Paul Reiser -
I always loved comedy, but I never knew it was something you could learn to do. I always thought that some people are born comedians ... just like some people are born dentists.
-- Paul Reiser -
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I'd distract myself until finally it was a combination of things. The show was over and I had time on my hands. I had taken time and played and just relaxed.
-- Paul Reiser -
In the history of life, no good news has followed that sentence ["We have to talk."].
-- Paul Reiser -
But the two of them together, broke my heart. Olympia and Peter, those scenes... When they're kissing in their 20s and then kissing in their 70s, that's what it is. And they had never met five minutes before they shot those scenes.
-- Paul Reiser -
When my son said, "I can't stop thinking about girls," I said, "That's not gonna stop. Congratulations. You're in the club. From now until the day you die, one way or another you'll be thinking about girls.
-- Paul Reiser -
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In some cultures they don't name their babies right away. They wait until they see how the child develops. Like in Dances with Wolves. Unfortunately, our kids' names would be less romantic and poetic. "This is my oldest boy, Falls off His Tricycle, his friend, Dribbles His Juice, and my beautiful daughter, Allergic to Nuts.
-- Paul Reiser -
That's the nice thing about doing stand-up. There's no development, you just go out there and get an immediate response as to whether something is good or bad. Getting a laugh is the best measure of how well you're doing.
-- Paul Reiser -
When I'm writing for a book, it's much more reflective process. I have certain things that may not translate well to the stage, but, when they're on the page, people can really get into them. My first two books were aiming to be funnier, but the third was more about deep exploration. Things about being a parent and growing older that I thought would be perfect for a book.
-- Paul Reiser -
Jerry Lewis played on the very first season of Mad About You, and he played basically himself, but he was called some other name. He said he's never done it; he'd never done a half-hour of [sitcom] television. This was 1992 or '93. And I said, "Well how is that?" And he goes, "Nobody ever asked me." It's like the pretty girl at the dance; everybody's too afraid to ask.
-- Paul Reiser -
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I can't get past the fact that food is coming out of my wife's breasts. What was once essentially an entertainment center has now become a juice bar.
-- Paul Reiser -
He was born early. But he was born within a safe range of premature.
-- Paul Reiser -
In the original draft I was 27 and Peter was 55 in the script. That's not the same as a guy in his 40s and a dad in the end of his 70s. It's a different point in both our lives.
-- Paul Reiser -
She kind of reminds one of Helen. There's something very similar about Elizabeth Perkins.
-- Paul Reiser -
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I remember my wife and I used to get on plane and see everybody else with their babies. They'd be putting strollers and car seats up above, and we'd think: Oh, please Lord, don't make us go through that
-- Paul Reiser -
It's not like some movies where you're following a bunch of different stories you can cut around. There was nowhere to cut to. It's these guys. We're not cutting back to anybody else
-- Paul Reiser -
But at the same time that the experience is pulling you apart, it's also bonding you. You have this joint venture! You both made this baby. And that's the thing I still can't get over
-- Paul Reiser -
There are two types of people in life - those who get it and those who don't.
-- Paul Reiser -
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Sometimes it works out well, and certain household responsibilities fall naturally to those who like doing them. For example, my wife likes to pack suitcases, I like to unpack them. My wife likes to buy groceries, I like to put them away. I do. I like the handling and discovering, and the location assignments. Cans - over there. Fruit - over there. Bananas - not so fast. You go over here. When you learn not to go bad so quickly, then you can stay with the rest of your friends.
-- Paul Reiser -
The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.
-- Paul Reiser -
So where did these cravings come from? I concluded it's the baby ordering in. Prenatal takeout. Even without ever being in a restaurant, fetuses develop remarkably discerning palates, and they are not shy about demanding what they want. If they get a hankering, they just pick up the umbilical cord and call. 'You know what would taste good right now? A cheeseburger, large fries, and a vanilla shake. And if you could, hurry it up, because I'm supposed to grow a lung in a half hour.'
-- Paul Reiser -
There's something that happens in that delivery room, when a woman becomes ten times more a woman, and a guy becomes six times less a man. You feel really dopey and useless and like a spectator. I did, anyway.
-- Paul Reiser -
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Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.
-- Paul Reiser -
Two or three times a week, I drive by the houses of numbers 78-100 just to rub it in,
-- Paul Reiser -
Nothing would make me happier if Peter Falk would finally win his Oscar for this. Not just as the writer but as a fan and a friend. It would be so great
-- Paul Reiser -
We have such a long, familiar history with Peter Falk. The minute his mug is on that screen people smile
-- Paul Reiser -
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Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together
-- Paul Reiser -
And after you've done the acting, there's a lot of places you can put your input - in the editing, in the production of it, in the rewriting of it and so on
-- Paul Reiser -
And in that time, I lost my dad and had kids of my own. It was like, OK, I get it now. I know what fatherhood is all about. And you look at your parents differently
-- Paul Reiser -
In fact, I had the idea because of Peter Falk. I saw my dad watching a Peter Falk movie and something clicked in my head. I gotta go make a movie for Peter Falk and me
-- Paul Reiser -
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I'd never directed before and this movie's too important to me to put in the hands of some guy who has never directed. Even if it's me
-- Paul Reiser -
Field of Dreams is the only movie - and I saw it in the theater - on an afternoon when I was on location somewhere, and there were like 12 people in the theater. I was just so devastated; I couldn't get out of my seat. And I sat and watched it a second time
-- Paul Reiser -
But you get past that and realize you have to let go of what you think you want. There'll be plenty of time for that later. Right now, go and be with that baby. Just play with this beautiful little boy
-- Paul Reiser -
We had the boy's name picked out, but we didn't have a girl's. When he turned out to be a boy, we were so relieved. Literally, in the middle of contracting and pushing, and with my wife being drugged - out and half - lucid, we were still coming up with names.
-- Paul Reiser -
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