Lewis Grizzard quotes

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Summer #Food #Garden

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Motivational #Success #Football

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Love #Life #Sex

I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Smoking #Noses #Next

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Marriage #Sleep #Facts

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#People #Educated

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Trying #Locks #Frozen

Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Mean #Yankees #Talking

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Funny #Marriage #Hilarious

There's no such thing as being too Southern.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Southern

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#New York #Fun #Subway

Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did, someone else would own the orchard.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Money #Tree #Grows

When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room, Will I Be Too Old To Care?
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Valentine #Care #Rooms

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Thinking #Dancing #Making Love

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Drinking #Sick #Way

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Relationship #Marriage #House

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Hate #Men #Aging

In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Mean #Differences #Clothes

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life's work.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Appreciation #Passion #Creative

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Perspective #Disease #Life Is

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Waiting #Hamburgers #Lines

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Funny #Dog #Attitude

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Leadership #Dog #Race

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Soccer #Pepsi #Would Be

If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Love #Oil #Lows

"Have you done your homework?" my mother would ask. "I'll do it later." "You will do it now, young man. I don't want you winding up on the third shift at Flagg-Utica." Flagg-Utica was a local textile plant. Somehow, I never could figure how failing to read three chapters in my geography book about the various sorts of vegetation to be found in a tropical rain forest had anything to do with facing a life as a mill hand. But with enough guilt and fear as catalysts, you can read anything, even geography books and Deuteronomy.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Mother #Book #Rain

Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Love #Life #Sex

Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Crazy #Reading #Learning

If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Dog #Never Change #Scenery

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Sex #Ducks #Use

Elvis is dead and I don't feel good for myself.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Feel Good #Feels

They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.
-- Lewis Grizzard

#Heart #Sadness #Flats