Kevin Hearne quotes

  • Monty Python is like catnip for nerds. Once you get them started quoting it, they are constitutionally incapable of feeling depressed.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Python #Feelings #Nerd

  • She's kind of like a Mary Poppins just before she turns to the dark side of the Force," Oberon said. He was still behind the counter, but he had a good lok at her as she exited. "Let go of your anger, Malina! There's still good in you! The Emperor hasn't driven it from you fully!
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Letting Go #Dark #Sides

  • When he said to give him the sword, I don’t think he meant for you to stick it in his guts.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Thinking #Giving #Sticks

  • Poison?" she (Granuaile)said,"I hope it isn't iocane powder.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Poison #Powder #Said

  • Granuaile:"So why don't cult leaders achieve godhood?" Atticus:" Because they're megalomaniacs drenched in douche juice.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Leader #Juice #Achieve

  • its difficult to dislike a man who takes pleasure in giving away free beer.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Beer #Men #Giving

  • Lie down and offer your throat. No, wait, that's how dogs submit. I know! Offer her you're wallet!" Oberon
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Dog #Lying #Waiting

  • Druid log July 15: Dark elves are not only quick and efficient killers, but creative and pyrotechnically inclined ones.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Dark #July #Creative

  • -“Say no more,” Leif interrupted. “I understand. I will simply have to kill them all myself.” -"There he goes again. I’m telling you, Danny Elfman would love to get hold of those lines." -"Not John Williams?" -"If you’ve got some hopelessly overmatched heroes fighting evil and some Imperial types marching, John Williams is your guy. You need a song to make people reach for a box of Kleenex, talk to Randy Newman. But if you want creepy atmospherics and spine-shivering chords to back up your casual death threats, you gotta bring in Danny Elfman.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Song #Hero #Fighting

  • I had my own dump truck of bad karma waiting for me somewhere ahwad. I had certainly earned it, but I raced to avoid it if I could; there was no way I wanted to fell that.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Karma #Waiting #Way

  • I yawned and stretched luxuriously in the morning. I make noises when I stretch because it feels ten times better than stretching silently.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Morning #Noise #Stretching

  • Icy glares from vampires are far icier than icy glares from people and when the vampire giving you an icy glare is originally from Iceland, you're confronted with the archetypal origin of the term, and you shouldn't be surprised if your core body temperature drops a few degrees.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Iceland #People #Giving

  • Wooo!’ he said, slamming his shot glass down and coughing a bit. ‘That’s good stuff.’ I agreed heartily. ‘Shall we do another one?’ I asked. ‘Oh no,’ Jesus said quietly, his eyes growing round. ‘This is one of those situations where I have to stop and ask myself, what would I do?
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Jesus #Eye #Glasses

  • The Morrigan’s ideas of sport and mine varied widely. As a Chooser of the Slain, she tends to enjoy nothing so much as a protracted war. She hangs out with Kali and the Valkyries and they have a death goddesses’ night out on the battlefield.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Sports #War #Night

  • I can't spend too much time in the forests because I invariably leave traces-ridiculously happy trees, basically, since I'm the last Druid in the world and they tend to geek out like Joss Whedon fans when I show up.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Tree #Lasts #Forests

  • Malina looked incredulous. "Are you anything more than a Druid?" "Of course I am. I own this shop and I play a mean game of chess, and I've been told that I'm a frakkin' Cylon." "What's a frakkin' Cylon?" "I don't know, but it sounds really scary when you say it with a Polish Accent.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Mean #Play #Games

  • No, she knows you're here. She can see through the camouflage. But I think she's hiding something from me, and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Never mind. Just listen. Once she drinks the tea, she will try ot surprise me with something. She is waiting for the contrast to be fully in effect before she says anything. I knew I never should have let you watch The Wizard of Oz.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Thinking #Shoes #Waiting

  • Brighid’s eyes flashed with a blue flame, and I wondered if she had learned to do that just so she could compete with the Morrigan’s red flashes. Maybe I should try to figure out how to make my eyes flash green so I could freak out the baristas at Starbucks. “No, you foolish mortal,” I’d say as my eyes glowed, “I ordered a nonfat latte.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Eye #Blue #Flames

  • Not everyone can be bribed with meat, Oberon." "They Can't? Oh! you mean they're vegetarian." "No, they eat meat. It just doesn't sway their decision making process." "Well that... that's just wrong, Atticus!Are they Monsters? It's like they have no moral center!
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Mean #Decision #Monsters

  • When in doubt, blame the dark elves.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Dark #Doubt #Blame

  • They never predict anything fun," Granuaile answered. "Just once I'd like to hear a prophet tell someone, 'Thou shalt win a bitchin' Camaro on a game show.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Fun #Winning #Games

  • Depression is a prison to which you have the key except you never think to look for it.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Thinking #Keys #Looks

  • Let me tell you, people go on and on about what a great idea electricity was, but I'm going to put toilet paper right next to the wheel and say those are the best ideas anyone's ever had. Scoff at it if you will, but try living for two millennia without it and then we'll talk.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Ideas #Two #People

  • I would never behave with so little dignity. Nor would I wish to be confronted in such a manner by anyone else. Vampires inspire screams, not squees. Involuntary urination is common, I grant, but it properly flows from a sense of terror, not an ecstatic sense of hero worship.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Hero #Inspire #Vampire

  • Whoa. He had ghouls on speed dial. My lawyer kicks so much ass.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Ghouls #Lawyer #Ass

  • I suspect that many of us, if given the chance to make one person in our lives love us more, would have no trouble in choosing where to point a finger. We are all needy, all vulnerable, all terrified that perhaps that person has an excellent reason to withhold affection. We shape our purposes to make ourselves worthy and often do not see until much later how it was love-or perhaps the lack of it-that both picked us up and dropped us off at crossroads.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Love #Purpose #Shapes

  • I had an ASU student looking for it in my shop last week, and he defined the Bacchants for me as 'those drunk chicks who killed that one dude because he wouldn't have sex with them.' His professors must be so proud. I asked him if he knew what maenads were, and instead of correctly answering that it was just another name for Bacchants, he bizarrely thought I was referring to my own testicles - as in, "'Ere now, mate, don't swing that bat around me nads.'" The conversation deteriorated quickly after that.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Sex #Swings #Names

  • That is a noble idea, though I think it far to generous," Jupiter said. "Once a decade should be sufficient." "I would rather be too generous than not in such cases." "As you wish." [One day, Atticus was amazed to discover that when Jupiter said, "As you wish," what he really meant was "I love you."]
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Love You #Thinking #Ideas

  • Hey Atticus, do me a quick favour before we go? its easy. Sure. What is it? Hold Granuailes staff for just a minute. You know, rest it on the ground so that its like a walking stick or something and the top of it is near your right cheek. Granuaile and I traded weapons to humor him and I stood as instructed. Thats perfect! Now say this like Sir Ian McKellen I am Atticus the White, and I come back to you now at the turn of the tide.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #White #Perfect #Weapons

  • The royal hound's belly demands rubbing. Step lively, humans, neglect me not." ~Oberon
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Steps #Demand #Royal

  • Silly dark elves. Earth is for Druids.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Silly #Dark #Earth

  • Thank you, Morrigan. This is very helpful,” I said, already feeling myself warming up. “And delivered to me entirely without pain.” The Morrigan sucker-punched me hard in the face, sending me sprawling in the snow and breaking my nose. “You spoke too soon and with entirely too much sarcasm,” she said. “We could have parted with a kiss. Remember that....
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Pain #Kissing #Sarcasm

  • There are some sights that, once seen, can never be unseen. They replay themselves on a loop in your mind’s home-theatre system with Dolby surround sound until you’re so desperate to be rid of them that you’ll resort to other loops simply to dislodge them for a while.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Home #Sight #Mind

  • ... we banked around until we found a rainbow in the dark. It was on this occasion that I discovered that Granuaile had never heard of Ronnie James Dio. My shock at this news was such that I almost completely missed the fact that we were traveling on Bifrost, the rainbow bridge to Asgard.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Dark #Bridges #Rainbow

  • For me, the times I always regret are missed opportunities to say farewell to good people, to wish them long life and say to them in all sincerity, "You build and do not destroy; you sow goodwill and reap it; smiles bloom in the wake of your passing, and I will keep your kindness in trust and share it as occasion arises, so that your life will be a quenching draught of calm in a land of drought and stress." Too often I never get to say that when it should be said. Instead, I leave them with the equivalent of a "Later, dude!" only to discover there would be no later for us.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Kindness #Regret #Stress

  • She didn't go all fangirl on anyone, but I suspect that's only because none of them bore the slightest resemblance to Nathan Fillion.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Bores #Fangirl #Resemblance

  • Oh noes, kitteh haz major angriez!” I said. I turned around to share a laugh with my companions and found them glaring at me. “What?” I asked. Leif shook a finger and said in a low, menacing tone, “If you tell me I have to talk like an illiterate halfwit to fit into this society, I will punch you.” “And I’ll pull out your goatee,” Gunnar added. “Lolcat iz new happeh wai 2 talk,” I explained to them. “U doan haz 2 be kitteh 2 speek it.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Laughing #Tone #Fit

  • My mouth gaped and I think I might have whimpered. The Norns had obliterated him completely—a creature they’d known for centuries—because of me. It was like watching Rudolph get shot by Santa Claus.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Thinking #Might #Rudolph

  • Wisdom eludes me yet, but foolishness I captured long ago and to this day it is my constant companion, though many people consider me wise.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Wise #Long #People

  • That’s what a skinwalker is: a mean ***** with a meaner spirit squatting inside.” "I’ve run into some of those at the dog park," Oberon said. "They’re usually attached to Chihuahuas.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Running #Dog #Mean

  • If I waved that in front of a museum curator, he'd promptly lose control of his salivary glands.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Museums #Glands #Curator

  • I tend to vacillate between belief systems. Right now I'm kind of checking out the whole buffet, you know, and maybe in a little while I'll decide on what I want to put on my plate and chow down on.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Want #Littles #Buffets

  • I'm not a proper anything. Majoring in philosophy kind of turns positive assertions into maybes.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Philosophy #Kind #Turns

  • The tendency of modern American women to exclaim 'Hiiiiiiiiiiii!' in soprano octaves and hug each other upon sight can be disconcerting to those unfamiliar with it.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Sight #Hug #Sopranos

  • She switched from ecstasy to embarrassment at about Mach five.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Embarrassment #Ecstasy

  • Mr. Tall, Blonde and Lightning
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Blonde #Lightning

  • Bullshit, as you Americans say. He's Irish. The Irish say bullshit too.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Bullshit

  • You don't need to say any special incantation or sacrifice a stray cat or something first?
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Cat #Sacrifice #Special

  • You will respect my authori-tah!' Oberon said, in a passable imitation of Eric Cartman. I reminded him that I needed to concentrate. Sometimes dogs forget; they just get too excited.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Dog #Eric #Forget

  • Oh, I know. They’re dwarfs pretending to be elves. No, they’re not dwarfs either. Okay, okay, they’re “little people,” I’m sorry! Can’t believe I have to be politically correct when you’re the only one who can hear me.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Sorry #Believe #People

  • Ye know what me Sean used to say, God rest his soul? He said, 'A friend will help ye move, Katie, but a really good friend will help ye move a body.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Moving #Good Friend #Soul

  • That's right, there's free beer in Irish paradise. Everyone's jealous.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Jealous #Beer #Paradise

  • Now go and stake some vamps. Especially the sparkly emo ones.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Emo #Stakes #Vamp

  • People used to say obvious things ironically or as a form of understatement, but in the last few decades they seem to say it with a sense of discovery, and it worries me.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Discovery #Worry #People

  • Anyone who's ever tried to tangle with a teddy bear cholla knows there's a whole lot more bear than teddy to it.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Bears #Teddy Bear #Teddy

  • Winning ugly is still winning.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Winning #Ugly #Stills

  • I had privately changed 'This, too, shall pass' into 'You, too, shall die'.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #This Too Shall Pass #Changed

  • Wow you need to get some sun.” “Shut up. I'm Irish.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Needs #Wow #Sun

  • Am I not a fearsome enemy?" "You frighten me primally.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Enemy

  • What do you know? She liked to be told she was scary. Kinky.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Scary #Kinky

  • Sweet Honey of Dagda, now I was babbling.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Sweet #Honey

  • Yer a good lad, Atticus, mowin’ me lawn and killin’ what Brits come around.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Lawns #Lad

  • Oh. Oberon looked at me. I know that has to make you sad. But call to me instead, Atticus. I'll always answer. Your fly has been open all this time, by the way, and Granuaile hasn't said a thing. Thanks, buddy, I said silently as I tried to surreptitiously zip up my jeans. See? I got your back AND your front. I deserve a treat.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Jeans #Way #Zips

  • Peace be with you," I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, "and asskicking be with me.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Journey #Coyotes #Said

  • She thinks petting me is an honor. This is an unexpected position to take for a goddess of slaughter, but I applaud her defiance of convention.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Thinking #Honor #Unexpected

  • Flidais clapped her hands in delight. "Oh, I bet he nearly shat kine!" That made me laugh - I hadn't heard that expression in a long, long time. I refrained from telling her that the modern expression would be "he had a cow", because I liked the original better. "Yes, the kine he nearly shat would have fed several clans.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Hands #Expression #Laughing

  • I didn't respond, because naked people never win arguments.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Winning #People #Naked

  • Yes and I appreciate it. But this is going to be difficult enough without running my words through a filter of illiteracy.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Running #Appreciate #Filters

  • Tell her I am Peace Dawg but I think her cats are closely allied with The Man. I'm going to stick it to them.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Cat #Men #Thinking

  • I hoped you would consider it seriously instead of laughing at it.' 'Mr. Chamkanni said much the same thing in bed the first night home from the hospital
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Home #Night #Laughing

  • Aw, no. You’re taking us to that vegetarian place, aren’t you? It’s a coffee place. You can’t just automatically classify anything that isn’t a steak house as vegetarian. Yes, I can. This is America. You said Americans assert their own opinions as if they were facts and dismiss inconvenient facts as mere opinions.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Coffee #America #House

  • He will spit you and roast you with rosemary, and we will all sample your flesh tonight. Tomorrow you will be shat out into the snow. Your diplomacy is bold and edgy, sir.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Snow #Tonight #Rosemary

  • Well o' course she's feelin' dandy! She's the mother o' God for the love o' Pete!
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Mother #Wells

  • Here is how you know someone has had a good idea: Other people freely admit to their friends that said idea has changed their lives. Most people today will grant that fire and the wheel are the big two. After that, any attempts to rank the greatest ideas of all time are going to draw lots of argument. You’ll have zealots pimping this god or that on the one hand, scientists pimping Darwin on the other, and then practical people pointing at written language and saying, look, fellas, the reason those ideas have gone viral is because someone figured out how to write them down.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Writing #Hands #Ideas

  • He was a god of rock. He nearly solved all the world's problems with nothing but power chords and anguished cries into a microphone.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Rocks #World #Problem

  • There is always a price to pay for badassery. Neo was a badass in the Matrix and the Matrix Reloaded, but the price he had to pay was The Matrix Revolutions.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Badass #Pay #Revolution

  • Bring it,muthafuckas.Bring it.
    -- Kevin Hearne

  • I've often been flabbergasted by modern pharmaceutical ads on television. The list of side effects for some maladies often sound worse than the condition they're supposed to treat. Once I even heard "heart failure" listed as a side effect, and I wondered how that happened. Heart failure sounds like a pretty major event to me, and if you're willing to risk heart failure in order to avoid the mild discomfort of some other condition, then may the gods shield you from harm, since you're obviously seeking it out.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Heart #Order #Risk

  • Granuaile looked terminally depressed when she emerged from the bathroom with raven hair and, as a result rather Goth by accident. She didn't want to get her picture taken. "Aughh!" she said miserably, looking in the vanity mirror in the truck of the cab and fingering a wavy curl near her temple. "This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before. You know what we look like? A couple of emo douche bags." "Well, look at the bright side, Granuaile. Emo Douche Bags would be a great band name." [That's brilliant! It's already the unofficial name of more bands than I can count.]
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Couple #Emo #Taken

  • Do Angels have assholes?" Atticus O'Sullivan - Hexed
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Angel

  • The point is, Mrs. MacDonagh, that the universe is exactly the size that your soul can encompass. Some people live in extremely small worlds, and some live in a world of infinite possibility.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #People #Soul #Size

  • Awesome! I'd just bullied Jesus into doing a shot with me. Nobody would ever believe it, but I didn't care. We ordered the insanely expensive stuff, seventy-five dollars for a 1.75-ounce pour of premium Irish whiskey, because if you're doing a shot with Jesus, you don't buy him scotch.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Jesus #Believe #Scotch

  • On a Creep Scale from Hello Kitty to Cthulhu, I award it a Freddy Krueger. Granuaile MacTiernan
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Awards #Freddy Krueger #Hello

  • Gods can screw anything and anybody. For reference, see history. Atticus O'Sullivan
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Screws

  • But now that she was my apprentice, every such thought caused a guilty twitch in my neck, as if someone had dropped a sleek, stinky ferret there. Guilt ferrets are bastards.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Guilt #Ferrets #Necks

  • You are telling me that your lawyer is a bloodsucking vampire?
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Vampire #Lawyer

  • They'll have to bring in Mulder an' Scully, because there ain't no CSI on the planet that'll ever be able to explain this.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Csi #Able #Planets

  • Atticus "What's this religion going to be called?" Oberon "Poochism" A:"and the name of this holy writ I will be typing for you?" O:"The dead flea scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Names #Fleas #Holy

  • As any war veteran will tell you, there is a vast difference between preparing for battle and actually facing battle for the first time. You can be told that reading Victor Hugo will sap your will to live, but you can't understand what it means until you've read a few chapters and your eyes are glazed over and someone has to revive you with a defibrillator.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #War #Reading #Mean

  • There are many perks to living for twenty-one centuries, and foremost among them is bearing witness to the rare birth of genius. It invariably goes like this: Someone shrugs off the weight of his cultural traditions, ignores the baleful stares of authority, and does something his countrymen think to be completely batshit insane. Of those, Galileo was my personal favorite. Van Gogh comes in second, but he really was batshit insane.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Thinking #Insane #Weight

  • ...Having no recourse, I feel back on Shakespeare. Leif would recognize it and understand the context properly. With my remaining few seconds of consciousness, I quoted Benedick from Much Ado About Nothing, who spoke these words to his former friend: "you are a Villain: I jest not." and then I collapsed into a pool of my own blood.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Blood #Pool #Consciousness

  • No worries, Atticus. I will snarf surreptitiously. And I should get bacon, because my adverb was two syllables longer than yours, plus a bonus for alliteration." I grinned. "It's a deal. You're the best hound ever.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Two #Worry #Bonus

  • It’s best not to experiment on yourself. Bacon practically froze himself to death in one of his experiments and died of pneumonia.” {Right! Bacon must be heated. Knew that already, but thanks for the reminder.}
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Pneumonia #Thanks #Reminders

  • Before he (Francis Bacon) came along, people conducted all their arguments through a series of logical fallacies or simply shouting louder than the other guy, or, if they did use facts, they only selected ones that reinforced their prejudices and advanced their ideas.” Oberon replies “don’t they still do that?
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Ideas #People #Guy

  • The widow’s eyebrows raised. “Ye’ve got all these nasty pooches to run around with and ye still might die?” “I’m going to go fight with a god, some demons, and a coven of witches who all want to kill me,” I said, “so it’s a distinct possibility.” “Are y’goin’ t’kill ’em back?” “I’d certainly like to.” “Attaboy,” the widow chuckled. “Off y’go, then. Kill every last one o’ the bastards and call me in the mornin’.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Running #Fighting #Eyebrows

  • How would you take care of it?” I asked. He shrugged. “I know some ghouls. I make a couple calls, the guys come over for dinner, problem solved.” “They can put away nine whole giants? There’s that many ghouls in town?” “Probably not,” Leif admitted. “But whatever they do not eat tonight, they’ll take the rest to go.” I stared at him in disbelief. “You mean like a doggie bag?” The vampire nodded with a thin trace of a smile. “They have a refrigerated truck, Atticus. These are practical guys.
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #Couple #Mean #Ghouls

  • Turns out that once you kill a god, people want to talk to you. Paranormal insurance salesmen with special "godslayer" term life policies. Charlatan's with "godproof" armor and extraplanar safe houses for rent. But most notably, other gods...
    -- Kevin Hearne

    #People #House #Special