All BILL BAILEY Quotes about “Funny”

“The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"”
“Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.”
“Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.”
“I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it's a bit of a long shot.”
“People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'”
“You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.”
“A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.”
“Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'”
“It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.”
“Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.”
“This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."”
“I am a confectionery-based existentialist.”
“I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine”
“Thank God for Darwin, eh?”
“Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"”

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Vegetarian,