Bill Bailey famous quotes

03-24-2025

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
-- Bill Bailey

#Funny #Vegetarianism #Comedy
In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life - Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
-- Bill Bailey

#Strength #Moving #Enjoy Life
Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
-- Bill Bailey

#Knowing #Contentment #Knowing Someone
Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'
-- Bill Bailey

#Males #Three #Pubs
Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
-- Bill Bailey

#Stupid #Three #Littles
I'm English and, as such, I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.
-- Bill Bailey

#Disappointment #Surprise
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!
-- Bill Bailey

#Three #Outcomes #Pubs
(Imitating a Belarus citizen commenting on their national flag) Stupid National Anthem....Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
-- Bill Bailey

#Stupid #Fighting #Animal
Contentment is knowing you're right
-- Bill Bailey

#Knowing #Contentment
What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
-- Bill Bailey

#Long #Beard #Harps
Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
-- Bill Bailey

#Believe #Quitting #Being True
Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.
-- Bill Bailey

#Orange #Laughing #Lavender
There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
-- Bill Bailey

#Evil #Suggestions #Als
Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
-- Bill Bailey

#Animal #Fruit #Stealing
American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
-- Bill Bailey

#Funny #Rocks #Self
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
-- Bill Bailey

#Funny #Alive #Comedy
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard
-- Bill Bailey

#Funny #Sound #Keyboards
I got ham but I'm not a Hamster
-- Bill Bailey

#Ham #Hamsters
I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment ! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
-- Bill Bailey

#Disappointment #Chocolate #Despair
I'm a post-modern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.
-- Bill Bailey

#Meat #Vegetarian #Modern
Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
-- Bill Bailey

#Fashion #Marijuana #Clubs
I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all...
-- Bill Bailey

#Dollars #Burning #Bitter
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
-- Bill Bailey

#Would Be #Three #Blind
Joke number 1, I have a bit of a problem with jokes, bit of a handicap for a comedian obviously, um, I tend to bail out of the joke, I lose commitment in it, I'll give you an example: Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
-- Bill Bailey

#Stupid #Commitment #Numbers
I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.
-- Bill Bailey

#Pigs #Lucky #Concrete
It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still
-- Bill Bailey

#Animal #Beard #Stills

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