Spike Milligan quotes

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
-- Spike Milligan

#Money #Saving #Chance

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

#Funny #Life #Happiness

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
-- Spike Milligan

#Health #Years #Body

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
-- Spike Milligan

#Reading #Should

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
-- Spike Milligan

#Money #Class #Enemy

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?
-- Spike Milligan

#Use #Kind #Ophelia

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
-- Spike Milligan

#Funny #Nature #Laughter

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
-- Spike Milligan

#Funny #Fathers Day #Dad

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
-- Spike Milligan

#People #Born #Thirst

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
-- Spike Milligan

#Order #Perfect #Kilts

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
-- Spike Milligan

#Funny #Witty #Humorous

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
-- Spike Milligan

#Light #Waiting #Boards

Its all in the mind, you know.
-- Spike Milligan

#Mind

Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.
-- Spike Milligan

#Morning #Class #Tourists

I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.
-- Spike Milligan

#Hero #Coward #Legs

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
-- Spike Milligan

#Wife #Cows #India

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
-- Spike Milligan

#Eye #Beholder #Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they're ever so small That's why rain is thin.
-- Spike Milligan

#Rain #Sky #Holes

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse
-- Spike Milligan

#Mother #Inspiration #Born

I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake. The pain is too much... Something has happened to me, this vital spark has stopped burning - I go to a dinner table now and I don't say a word, just sit there like a dodo. Normally I am the centre of attention, keeps the conversation going, - so that is depressing in itself. It's like another person taking over, very strange. The most important thing I say is 'good evening' and then I go quiet.
-- Spike Milligan

#Depression #Depressing #Pain

In the human race today, you came last.
-- Spike Milligan

#Race #Lasts #Today

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.
-- Spike Milligan

#Time #Laughing #Three

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.
-- Spike Milligan

#Love You #Heart #Science

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.
-- Spike Milligan

#Funeral #Singing #Firsts

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
-- Spike Milligan

#Chinese #Culinary #Reason

A lot of learning canbe a little thing.
-- Spike Milligan

#Littles #Little Things

If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.
-- Spike Milligan

#Men #Used

God made nightButMan made darkness.
-- Spike Milligan

#Darkness #Made

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light
-- Spike Milligan

#Blessed #Light

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
-- Spike Milligan

#Lost #Cases #Policemen

I told you I was sick.
-- Spike Milligan

#Death #Suicide #Sick

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.
-- Spike Milligan

#London #Wells

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
-- Spike Milligan

#Plans #Miscellaneous

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)
-- Spike Milligan

#Ill

On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! And the Monkeys all say Boo! Theres a Nang Nong Ning Where the trees go Ping! And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo On the Nong Ning Nang All the Mice go Clang! And you just cant catch em when they do! So its Ning Nang Nong! Cows go Bong! Nong Nang Ning! Trees go Ping! Nong Ning Nang! The mice go Clang! What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!
-- Spike Milligan

#Tree #Tea #Monkeys

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush
-- Spike Milligan

#Two #Bird #Shepherds

I'm a hero with coward's legs.
-- Spike Milligan

#Hero #Coward #Legs

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
-- Spike Milligan

#Years #Laughing #Singing

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
-- Spike Milligan

#Hands #Years #Iron

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
-- Spike Milligan

#Hands #Friendly #Arms

I can speak Esperanto like a native.
-- Spike Milligan

#Funny #Witty #Humorous

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
-- Spike Milligan

#Funny #Crazy #Silly

I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.
-- Spike Milligan

#Pain #Suffering #Too Much

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
-- Spike Milligan

#Use #Quiet #Amusing

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A
-- Spike Milligan

#Men #Bus

I'm Irish. We think sideways
-- Spike Milligan

#Inspiration #Thinking #Sideways

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.
-- Spike Milligan

#Father #Inspiration #Lunatic

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
-- Spike Milligan

#Fathers Day #Jesus #Confused

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t
-- Spike Milligan

#Funny Relationship #Perfect #Want

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.
-- Spike Milligan

#Long #Life Is #Illness

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?
-- Spike Milligan

#One Day #Miscellaneous

Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs.
-- Spike Milligan

#Dog #Children #Heirs

If a robin redbreast in a cage Puts all heaven in a rage, How feels heaven when Dies the billionth battery hen?
-- Spike Milligan

#Heaven #Batteries #Hens

The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.
-- Spike Milligan

#Book #Iron #Use

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in
-- Spike Milligan

#Eye #Silence #Looks

Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently
-- Spike Milligan

#Agony #Speak

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
-- Spike Milligan

#Funny #Doctors #Office