Bob Monkhouse famous quotes

Last updated: Sep 5, 2024

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Growing Up #Growing #Growing Old
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Bad Day #Intelligent #Thinking
I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Horse #Funny Relationship #Wife
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Silence #Golden #Silence Is
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Mom #Mother #Baby
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Wife #Funny Marriage #Alarms
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Girl #Real
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Archer #Paper #Toilets
Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Laughter #Nice #Funeral
I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Real #Home #Clubs
My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Father #Icicles #Drink
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Funny Marriage #Pay #Investment
I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Creative #Done #Want
I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Thinking #Phrases #Saws
I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Dad #Sleep #Passengers
I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Laughing #Comedian #Wanted
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
-- Bob Monkhouse

#People #Sunglasses #Questions And Answers
I got my start in silent radio.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Funny #Radio #Comedy
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Funny #Laughing #Comedian
I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Wife #Funny Marriage #House
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Drawing #Boards #Inventor
It got up to 94 degrees today â€“ that's pretty good at my age.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Age #Degrees #Today
What do gardeners do when they retire?
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Age #Retiring #Gardener
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Home #Son #Drug
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Father #Used #Volvo
My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Funny Love #Mother #Weekend
I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Sex #Distance #Enjoy
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
-- Bob Monkhouse

#Sex #Years #Wife

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