Old Girlfriend Quotes:

There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend.

- Jack Nicholson

topic: Relationship, Girlfriend, Lying, Old Girlfriend, Your Girlfriend

It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends.

- Carrot Top

topic: Girlfriend, Two, Dating, Old Girlfriend

Happiness is when you see your husband's old girlfriend and she's fatter than you.

- Croft M. Pentz

topic: Happiness, Girlfriend, Husband, Old Girlfriend

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

- Steven Wright

topic: Funny, Song, Girlfriend, Old Girlfriend

Start dating someone who is funny, someone who has what in high school you called a "really great sense of humor" and what now your creative writing class calls "self-contempt giving rise to comic form." Write down all of his jokes, but don't tell him you are doing this. Make up anagrams of his old girlfriend's name and name all of your socially handicapped characters with them. Tell him his old girlfriend is in all of your stories and then watch how funny he can be, see what a really great sense of humor he can have.

- Lorrie Moore

topic: Girlfriend, Writing, School, Dating Someone, Old Girlfriend

I do not have a 24-year-old girlfriend. I have another life altogether.

- Jens Lehmann

topic: Girlfriend, Years, Insulting, Old Girlfriend

Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.

- Mallory Ortberg

topic: Sexy, Girlfriend, Father, Old Girlfriend, Announcing

It's so weird to say this about the icon and legend that is Cher, but she's like an old girlfriend. We still talk all the time. She's an incredible person personally and professionally, giving such amazing advice, stories for days, been there done that. She's one of a kind.

- Christina Aguilera

topic: Girlfriend, Icons, Giving, Old Girlfriend, One Of A Kind

Im such a work in progress at the moment, its crazy, and life wants me on edge, I swear to you. But as long as I dont forget the past, Im cool. One must always be mindful, just like you might forget that old girlfriend who tried to slit your throat, but shes really still hot. If you remember the stitches more than you remember the pussy, youre going to be just fine.

- Robert Downey, Jr.

topic: Girlfriend, Crazy, Past, Old Girlfriend, Slits

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

- Mitch Hedberg

topic: Funny, Girlfriend, Humor, Old Girlfriend, New Girlfriend

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

- Jim Gaffigan

topic: Funny, Girlfriend, Names, Old Girlfriend, Fellas

Hey, I liked my idea of bringer her along, but you already vetoed that idea, so now I'm resorting to Plan B, which is to interrogate her. And I am really looking forward to it. I used to play a game called interrogation with one of my old girlfriends where we-" "That's enough." Cinder raised her hand, silencing him.

- Marissa Meyer

topic: Girlfriend, Hands, Games, Old Girlfriend, Silencing

Just the very thought of someone my age going to visit old girlfriends had instant appeal.Even women think, 'That would be interesting.' Not comfortable, but interesting. It is not a comfortable film at any point.

- Bill Murray

topic: Girlfriend, Thinking, Interesting, Old Girlfriend