Tommy Cooper quotes
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“I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.”
-- Tommy CooperSource : "Jus' Like That" by Michael Billington, www.theguardian.com. April 9, 2003.
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“I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.”
-- Tommy CooperSource : "Tommy Cooper: the best quotes" by Michael Hogan, www.theguardian.com. April 22, 2014.
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“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”
-- Tommy Cooper -
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“I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.”
-- Tommy Cooper -
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“A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.”
-- Tommy CooperSource : "Tommy Cooper: the best quotes" by Michael Hogan, www.theguardian.com. April 22, 2014.
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“I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.”
-- Tommy Cooper -
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“He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."”
-- Tommy Cooper -
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“Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.â€Â “Well you can't say fairer than that then”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.”
-- Tommy Cooper -
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“Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.”
-- Tommy Cooper -
“I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.”
-- Tommy Cooper -
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