Tim Vine Quotes and Sayings - Page 1

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“Ive decided to sell my Hooverâ€¦ well, it was just collecting dust.”
-- Tim Vine

#Dust #Collecting #Hoover
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
-- Tim Vine

#Car #Parks #Different
“I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics â€“ I just got bronze.”
-- Tim Vine

#Sun #Tanning #Olympics
“Conjunctivitis.com â€” thatâ€™s a site for sore eyes”
-- Tim Vine

#Eye #Site #Sore Eyes
“I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.”
-- Tim Vine

#Reading #Book #Glue
“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'”
-- Tim Vine

#Funny #Oysters #Giving
“I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.”
-- Tim Vine

#Holiday #Once In A Lifetime #Lifetime
“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'”
-- Tim Vine

#Swimming #Baths #Calling
“Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.”
-- Tim Vine

#Vines #Cabinets #Unusual
“People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.”
-- Tim Vine

#Silly #People #Effort
“With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke”
-- Tim Vine

#Silly #Laughing #People
“So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'”
-- Tim Vine

#Tuesday #Splits #Said
“My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, â€˜Donâ€™t be Sicilyâ€™.”
-- Tim Vine

#Party #Italian #Islands
“Black beauty - he's a dark horse.”
-- Tim Vine

#Horse #Dark #Black
“The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.”
-- Tim Vine

#Funny #Pieces #Rooms
“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.”
-- Tim Vine

#Ducks #Chinese #Red
“If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.”
-- Tim Vine

#Pun
“Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.”
-- Tim Vine

#Brother #Dad #Father
“I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
-- Tim Vine

#House #Firsts #Chimneys
“I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.”
-- Tim Vine

#Metaphor #Simile
“So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'”
-- Tim Vine

#Home #Voice #Phones
“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”
-- Tim Vine

#Past #Sea #Meat
“I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”
-- Tim Vine

#Trying #Suitcases #Packs
“You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”
-- Tim Vine

#Hunting #Night #Saboteurs
“Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.”
-- Tim Vine

#Couple #Blow #Tricks
“Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.”
-- Tim Vine

#Style #Different #Comedy
“I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.”
-- Tim Vine

#Acting #Bonus
“If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.”
-- Tim Vine

#Narrative #Stories #One Liner
“People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.”
-- Tim Vine

#Garden #Thinking #People
“My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.”
-- Tim Vine

#Wall #Teenager #House

Top 25 Quotes By Tim Vine Of 65 A Z Quotes

7 Tim Vine Ideas Tim Vine Jokes One Liner

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