Darynda Jones quotes

  • I went down like a drunken cowgirl trying to line dance to Metallica.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Trying #Lines #Cowgirls

  • There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Sarcasm #Needs #Fonts

  • What do you want?" "You," he said, his voice lowering an octave. "I want you, Dutch, body and soul. I want you in my bed every night. I want you there when I wake up in the morning. I want your clothes strung across my apartment and your scent on my skin.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Morning #Night #Voice

  • I totally should've gone to Hogwarts when I had the chance.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Gone #Hogwarts #Chance

  • I lowered the gun but didn’t holster it. Not just yet. She could turn out to be psychotic. Or a door-to-door salesperson.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Gun #Doors #Psychotic

  • I meant to behave. There were just too many other options.--T-SHIRT
    -- Darynda Jones

    #T Shirt #Shirts #Behave

  • When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.--T-SHIRT
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Tape #Want #Opinion

  • Reyes Farrow. Because perfection is a dirty job, but someone has to do it.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Jobs #Dirty #Perfection

  • Chocolate and coffee ? Together ? Whoever came up with that combination should have won a Nobel Peace Prize. Or at least a subscription to Reader's Digest.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Coffee #Chocolate #Together

  • This is one Fruit Loop beyond certifiable.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Fruit

  • .. an emergency stash of Thin Mints. Frickin' Girl Scouts. Those things were way to addictive. They had to be laced with crack." Charlie Davidson Fourth Grave Beneath my Feet
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Girl #Feet #Way

  • If I was going to go out tonight, I was going to go out fighting. Or screaming in agony. Either way.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Fighting #Agony #Tonight

  • guys have feelings too. But like...who cares? -Inspirational poster
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Guy #Feelings #Who Cares

  • after an epic search, I finally found something neither green nor fuzzy. It was a hot sausage link. I named it Peter, mostly because it seemed like the right thing to do. As soon as my java was piping hot I popped him into the microwave. hopefully the radioactive environment would sterilize Peter. No need to have little Peters running around, wreaking havoc.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Running #Epic #Links

  • He's an enigma wrapped up in sensuality padlocked with a dozen chains of desire and topped off with a razor-sharp ribbon of danger. There are more layers to him than a billionaire's wedding cake.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Cake #Desire #Layers

  • It is sexy in here or is it just me?
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Sexy

  • I strode toward Mr. Coffee with lust in my eyes. We'd had a thing for quite some time now Mr. Coffee and I...
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Coffee #Eye #Lust

  • At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Lying #Fall #Sleep

  • I had a soft spot for crazy people.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Crazy #People #Crazy People

  • I can hear other things, too. Before you came around, I had no idea a man could make a girl scream like that. Reyes seems very talented.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Girl #Men #Ideas

  • I may as well cut my losses and make a hasty exit while I still had enough self-esteem to walk upright. Crawling was so demoralizing
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Self Esteem #Cutting #Loss

  • We're like the Three Musketeers, searching for truth and justice and the American way.: Glitch snorted. "More like the Three Blind Mice, stumbling around trying to find a hunk of cheese in the dark.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Dark #Justice #Trying

  • If I couldn't be a good example, I'd just have to be a horrible warning.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Inspirational #Dance #Example

  • Apparently, this really was Kill Charley Davidson Week. Or at least Horribly Maim Her.... It would probably never get government recognition, though, destined to be underappreciated like Halloween or Thesaurus Day.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Halloween #Government #Recognition

  • Death comes to those who wait. And to those who don't. So either way…
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Waiting #Way

  • Ask me about my complete lack of interest. (T-shirt)
    -- Darynda Jones

    #T Shirt #Shirts #Interest

  • Don't judge me because I'm quiet. No one plans a murder out loud.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Judging #Quiet

  • You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Add #Looks #T Shirt

  • I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Glasses #Alcohol #Half

  • Life is not about finding yourself. It's mostly about chocolate. T-Shirt
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Chocolate #Finding Yourself #Life Is

  • I know," he said in almost bored contemplation. "My manners suck. I like to chalk it up to a dissatisfying childhood." "I'd chalk it up to that narcissistic personality disorder laces with a smidgen of schizophrenia. Your mother would be proud.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Mother #Bored #Childhood

  • Looks like macho boy's cool just melted like a Slush Puppie in August.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Boys #August #Looks

  • A Nuns Life: Chastity, poverty, and obedience. Wait, chastity?" BUMPER STICKER
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Waiting #Poverty #Bumper Sticker

  • An integral part of any best friend's job is to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Jobs #Computer #Clear

  • I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.” “Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?” “Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?” “Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.” “So, you’re saying I’m a racist?
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Growing Up #Powerful #People

  • No. This has to do with drugs." My jaw fell open and I almost lost my toothbrush. "You're on drugs?" She pressed her mouth together. "No. You are." "I'm on drugs?" I asked, stunned. I had no idea.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Ideas #Drug #Together

  • Let me express how much I don't care on a scale of one to bite me," the former detective said.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Care #Detectives #Scales

  • I chose the road less traveled. Now I'm lost.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Road Less Traveled #Lost

  • Mistakes were made. Others were blamed.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Mistake #Made #Mistakes Were Made

  • If life hands you lemons,keep them. Because, hey, free lemons.-T-Shirt
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Hands #Hey #T Shirt

  • You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Hate #Thinking #Twelve

  • After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Coffee #Host #Shows

  • But give up my business? The same business I'd built from the ground up with my own two hands and designer Louis Vuittons? The same business for which I'd sacrificed blood, sweat, and tears? Well, maybe not sweat and tears, but there was blood. Lots of blood. Give it up? Not likely. Besides, what else would I do? I totally should've gone to Hogwarts when I had the chance.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Giving Up #Blood #Hands

  • Oh, my god!" I said, throwing my hands over my eyes and hurtling my body against the counter. "What?" "You're naked." "I'm not naked." "I'm blind." "You're not blind. I'm wearing pants." "Oh." That was embarrassing.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Eye #Hands #Naked

  • When fighting clowns, always go for the juggler.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Fighting #Clown

  • Nobody wants to look like a fool. Nine times out of ten, that reason alone keeps people from allowing themselves to believe.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Believe #People #Looks

  • Jesus may love you, but i'm his favourite
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Jesus #Love You #May

  • Somebody has to be sane during regular business hours, and it's not going to be me, missy.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Hours #Sane

  • I'd never taken to four foot creatures who had the uncanny ability to point out all my flaws in thirty second flat. And just for the record, I can too read without moving my lips.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Moving #Taken #Feet

  • This place is like crazy on crackers.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Crazy #Crackers

  • I'd have a longer attention span if there weren't so many shiny things.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Attention #Attention Span #Shiny Things

  • But, you're his son," I said, trying really hard to hate him. "You're the son of Satan. Literally." "And you are the stepdaughter of Denise Davidson." Wow. That was a bit harsh, but, "Okay, point taken.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Hate #Taken #Son

  • Have you slept yet?' 'Sure. I took a power nap on the way over.' 'Didn't you drive there?' 'Yeah. Other drviers kept waking me up. Car horns should be illegal.' - Charley & Cookie
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Naps #Car #Cookies

  • SARC- was my second favorite -ASM word
    -- Darynda Jones

  • Amber, you could never embarrass me." "Never?" she asked. "Never." "One time, I yelled across the store to Mom and asked her if she wanted the regular or the super-absorbent tampons. I added that, according to the box, the super-absorbent were for those heavy days. Then I asked her to rate her heaviness on a scale of one to ten." "Okay, you could." "Then while we were standing in line, I asked her why she was buying three boxes of Summer's Eve in the middle of winter." I set her at arm's length. "Wow." "I know, right? I had no idea a person could turn so red.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Summer #Mom #Winter

  • He had given me so much information, I wanted some time to absorb it all, but I didn't want to leave him. Not like this. Not ever, as long as I lived. Or until I had to get back on the case. Whichever came first.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Long #Firsts #Want

  • Surely my macking on some guy in an insane asylum wouldn't hurt him. He'd been living with his stalker, for heaven's sake.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Hurt #Heaven #Guy

  • They were back. The demons in all their glory. And they had a plan. I made plans sometimes, too, but they rarely involved world domination. Hot dogs on a grill, maybe. Tequila.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Dog #Hot #World

  • I have them a few minutes to absorb everything while I teased Ubie, who only had to recover from his near-death experience. I was so glad Reyes hadn't ripped him to shreds. I liked him much better un-shredded. Unlike, say, my preference for lettuce or heavy metal guitar solos.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Guitar #Heavy Metal #Solo

  • If you must eat a banana in public, never make eye contact.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Eye #Bananas #Eye Contact

  • She looked at me, confused. “He hardly knew me. My parents dated and got married before we knew what happened. Let’s just say we were not brought into the loop on that decision.” “That’s weird. I wasn’t brought into the loop with my parents’ marriage either.” “Really? How old were you?” “Twelve months.” She giggled. “I can’t imagine why they didn’t ask your opinion.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Confused #Decision #Parent

  • Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Children #Night #Destiny

  • You’re the reason I breathe
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Breathe #Reason

  • My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up. - Charley Davidson
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Strong #Bullshit #Persuasion

  • Want coffee?" I asked, as I headed that way. "It's three thirty in the morning." "Okay. Want coffee?
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Morning #Coffee #Three

  • Cook, at that moment in time, I would have sold my body for a mocha latte
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Body #Mocha #Moments

  • I had yet to be a mother, but I would have thought it difficult to forget something it took thirty-seven hours of excruciating pain to push out from between my legs ~Charley Davidson
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Mother #Pain #Legs

  • That you honestly believe I am capable of hurting innocent people for no reason.” “You’re not?” I asked, hope softening my voice. “Oh, no, I’m more than capable. I just didn’t realize you knew that.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Hurt #Believe #Voice

  • Hello?" I said, because Charley's House of Pasties seemed wrong.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #House #Hello #Said

  • Hey, I'm going to Super Dog for a quick bite and to pass along a message from a dead guy to his girlfriend. You should come with me." "I can't go with you." "Is it because of my questionable morals?" "No, it's because it's three o'clock in the afternoon and I have to pick up Amber from school." "Oh, right. So the morals thing doesn't bother you?
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Dog #Girlfriend #School

  • He's helped me a lot over the years." "I'm sure he has. You scratch his back. He scratches yours." "I have skin allergies. I'm itchy.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Years #Skins #Allergies

  • You either fainted or you wanted a much closer look at the cracks in the tile. Either way, you hit hard." "Seriously?" He nodded. "Maybe you shouldn't have been trying to make out with him," he suggested. How did he know that? "I was kissing him good-bye." He snorted and exchanged glances with the nurse. "That's not what it looked like to me." Probably not. But what happened? Could Reyes Farrow take control over me even from a freaking coma? I was doomed.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Kissing #Bye #Nurse

  • Garrett must have sensed I was awake. "Hey Detective," he said to Uncle Bob, who was now trudging across the grating toward us. "I think we're losing her. I have no choice but to perform mouth-to-mouth." "Don't you dare," I said, my lids still in lockdown.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Uncles #Thinking #Choices

  • He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Clueless #Facts #Hours

  • SOME GIRLS WEAR PRADA. SOME GIRLS WEAR GLOCK 17 SHORT RECOIL SPRING-LOADED SEMIAUTOMATIC PISTOLS WITH A LOADED CHAMBER INDICATOR AND A NONSLIP GRIP. - T-SHIRT
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Girl #Spring #Pistols

  • ...and then she glared at me, the same glare my stepmother used to give me when I gave her the Nazi salute. That woman was so touchy about her resemblance to Hitler.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Giving #Nazi #Used

  • A sheriff arrested me. I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure my men-in-uniform fetish began that day. The sheriff was hot. And he handcuffed me. I've never been the same.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Men #Hot #Uniforms

  • Where you just possessed?" Cookie asked after a long moment, awe softening her voice. "'Cause let me tell you, sweetheart, if that was possession, I'm selling my soul.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Voice #Long #Soul

  • His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Reading #Fire #Romance

  • Dead people I could handle. They were usually beyond hysteria. This was the people-left behind part. The hard part.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Hysteria #People #Left Behind

  • It isn’t the fall that will kill you, but the sudden stop.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Fall

  • Felt my heartbeat falter, hesitate, then stumble awkwardly forward, tripping on the next beat, then the next, faster and faster until each one tumbled into the other like the drumroll of dominoes crashing together. Funny how time stands still when death is imminent.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Together #Tripping #Next

  • I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Experts #Looks #May

  • A split second later, my life flashed before my eyes, and I came to one important conclusion about it. It was fun while it lasted.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Fun #Eye #Important

  • Dude,” I said, leaning over the desk, “I’m about as psychic as a carrot.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Psychics #Carrots #Desks

  • You can’t have him, okay,” she said from behind the wire barrier. “Mm-hmm,” I whispered. “This is certainly a beautiful neighborhood.” “Yeah, I guess.” “I will scratch those eyes out of your ugly head.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Beautiful #Eye #Wire

  • Does your uncle need anything? A coffee? A latte?” “He needs someone to bear his illegitimate child if you’re interested
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Uncles #Children #Coffee

  • I stop fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now. T-shirt
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Fighting #Inner Demons #Sides

  • He was like chocolate-covered heroin, and I was an addict through and through.
    -- Darynda Jones

    #Chocolate #Heroin #Covered