Janet Evanovich quotes

  • I mostly eat peanut butter sandwiches. Peanut butter and banana, peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and potato chips, peanut butter and olives, and peanut butter and marshmallow goo. So sue me, I like peanut butter.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Potato Chips #Olives #Potatoes

  • When I was six years old I sprinkled sugar on my head, convinced myself it was pixie dust, wished myself invisible, and walked into the boys' bathroom at school.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #School #Boys #Years

  • Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Celebration #Calories #Connected

  • Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Men #These Days #Jerry

  • Personally, I'm a lazy kind of guy, and leaving the door open on the mystical saves me work. I don't have to stress my brain trying to explain the unexplainable. It's magic. End of discussion.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Stress #Doors #Guy

  • Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Lying #Thinking #Cake

  • Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex . . . a lot. But it's never going to replace cake.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Sex #Cake #Differences

  • I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. --Stephanie Plum
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Exercise #Junk #Three

  • I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I'd like to say I haven't run over anyone since.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Running #Insanity #Defense

  • Mooner was walking around laying his hands on the cars, divining karma. "this is it", he said, standing by a small khaki-colored jeep."this car has protective qualities" You mean like a guardian angel?" I mean, like, it has seatbelts
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Karma #Mean #Angel

  • My father hired you to protect me," Ahmed said, "not to go off chasing men." Grandma leaned forward, keeping her eye on the Taurus. "We think this guy killed Fred." "Who's Fred?" "My uncle," I told him. "He's married to Mabel." "Ah so you're avenging a murder in the family. This is a good thing.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Uncles #Father #Grandma

  • He squinted at me. "What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Birth Control #Birth #Form

  • I know what you're thinking," Grandma said into the silence. "Do I have anymore bullets in this here gun? Well, with all the confusion, what with being locked up in a refrigerator, I plumb forgot what was in here to start with. But being that this is a 45 magnum, the most powerful handgun in existence, and it could blow your head clean off, you just got to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky today? Well, do you, punk?" Christ," Spiro whispered. "She thinks she's f**king Clint Eastwood.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Kings #Powerful #Grandma

  • A woman's never too old to make an idiot of herself. It goes along with equality of the sexes and potty parity.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Sex #Idiot #Potty

  • It was dark and raining, with bad visibility, but this was Jersey, and we don't slow down for anything.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Rain #Dark #Jersey

  • Aren't you something," Grandma said. "I never saw a midget up close." "Little person," Briggs said. "And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Grandma #Littles #Saws

  • Grandma Mazur stood two feet back from my mother. "I gotta get me a pair if those," she said, eyeballing my shorts. "I've still got pretty good legs, you know." She raised her skirt and looked down at her knees. "What do you think? You think I'd look good in them biker things?" Grandma Mazur had knees like doorknobs.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Mother #Grandma #Thinking

  • The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled. Dang," Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Senior #Dog #Grandma

  • If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead!
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #House #Vampire

  • The way I see it, life is a jelly doughnut. You don't really know what it's about until you bite into it. And then, just when you decided it's good, you drop a big glob of jelly on your best T-shirt.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Way #Jelly #Life Is

  • they have enough testosterone between them, if testosterone were electricity they could light up New York City for the month of August
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #New York #Light #August

  • My eyes rolled so far back in my head that I could see myself think
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Eye #Thinking

  • I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want?
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Alarms #Nerves #Yogurt

  • Kiss those cuffs good-bye." Lula from "Hard Eight" By Janet Evonavich
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Kissing #Eight #Bye

  • My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn." "She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action." -Ranger and Stephanie
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Grandmother #Weather #Views

  • Your on your on with this one babe." "Coward." "Calling me names isn't going to get me in there." -Ranger and Stephanie
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Names #Coward #Calling

  • Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli. "I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure." -Morelli And Stephanie
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Dog #Fall #Thinking

  • Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Grandma #Sometimes #Fart

  • Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there's nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don't have the money to buy both."-
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Men #Shopping #Two

  • You're a marshmallow. Soft and sweet and when you get heated up you go all gooey and delicious."-
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Romantic #Sweet #Marshmallow

  • One of the men gave Butch a bunch of volts with a stun gun. The Rangeman didn’t move fast enough, and Butch grabbed the gun and threw it across the room. “Hunh,” Rangeman guy said. “Yeah,” I said. “Been there, done that.” “Are you sure he’s human?” “Maybe you could hook a chain to the FlexiCuffs on his ankles and drag him behind your car,” I said. “We tried that once, and Ranger didn’t like it,” the guy said. “You do something twice that Ranger doesn’t like, and you’re out of a job and damaged.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Jobs #Moving #Men

  • I always wanted to eat with a Negro,” Grandma said. Yeah, well I always wanted to eat with a boney- assed old white woman,” Lula said. “So I guess this works out good.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Grandma #White #Work Out

  • I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Humble #Needs #Looks

  • I don't know much about cars," Joyce said, "but I think someone took my engine.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Thinking #Car #Said

  • There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM. It's been my experience that all calls between the hours of 11 PM and 9 AM are disaster calls.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Pms #Hours #Disaster

  • Are you afraid of me? Uh... yes.' The smile stayed fixed in place. 'You should be. You locked me in a refrigerator truck with three dead people. Sooner or later I'm going to get you for it.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #People #Three #Truck

  • I pulled into the Grand Union parking lot and drove to the end of the mall where the bank was located. I parked at a safe distance from other cars, exited the BMW, and set the alarm. You want me to stay with the car in case someone's riding around with a bomb in his backseat looking for a place to put it?" Lula asked. Not necessary. Ranger says the car has sensors." Ranger give you a car with bomb sensors? The head of the CIA don't even have a car with bomb sensors. I hear they give him a stick with a mirror on the end of it.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Distance #Bmw #Mirrors

  • I paused for a light at Hamilton and TWlfth and noticed the Nissan was running rough at idle. Two blocks later it backfired and stalled. I coaxed it into the center of the city. Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW! Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW! A Trans Am pulled up next to me at a light. The Trans Am was filled with high school kids. One of them stuck his head out of the passenger-side window. "Hey lady," he said. "Sounds like you got a fartmobile." I flipped him an Italian goodwill gesture and pulled the ball cap low on my forehead. (Three to get Deadly)
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Running #Block #School

  • THE NOTE said the first clue was "in the big one." I looked at the jumble of letters that followed, and I saw no pattern. Not such a surprise, since I was missing the puzzle chromosome and couldn't do puzzles designed for nine-year-olds.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Years #Missing #Letters

  • Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off," he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Clothes #Bed #Compromise

  • You think I'm gonna feel better eatin' a carrot? Get a grip. There's two idiots out there trying to kill me, and you think I'm gonna waste my last breath on a vegetable? (Lula)
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Feel Better #Thinking #Vegetables

  • Lula's borderline too much of a good thing in lots of ways. It isn't exactly that Lula is fat; it's more that she's too short for her weight and her clothes are too small for the volume of flesh she carries.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Clothes #Too Much #Way

  • One Ranger is all you'll ever need. - Ranger
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Needs #Rangers

  • And the closest I've come to an out-of-body experience was when Joe Morelli took his mouth to me fourteen years ago, behind the eclair case.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Years #Mouths #Body

  • I almost never shoot people.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #People #Stephanie Plum

  • I hate mornings. They start so early.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Morning #Hate #I Hate

  • Lula had Eminem cranked up. He was rapping about trailer park girls and how they go round the outside, and I was wondering what the heck that meant. I'm a white girl from Trenton. I don't know these things. I need a rap cheat sheet.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Girl #Rap #White

  • Excuse me?" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. "Coffee? I thought we came here for pie." "I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here." I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Coffee #Pie #Heat

  • Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn’t he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster’s cage was clean, I’d be happy to oblige.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #House #Cages #Safe

  • Pete- What does a woman want out of marriage? Louisa- Undying devotion and a warm place to put her cold feet when she gets into bed at night.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Night #Feet #Want

  • Babe, you've destroyed a car, burned down two buildings, stapled a guy's nuts, and you have sixteen stitches in your leg. Take a night off. Have a glass of wine, watch some television, and go to bed early." -Ranger
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Wine #Night #Nuts

  • You gonna take the case?" It's not a case. It's a missing person. Sort of." You're gonna have a devil of a time finding him if it was aliens," Grandma said.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Grandma #Missing #Devil

  • [Stephanie] 'You see, Mrs. Mayer was going on about George's lodge, and how he wanted to be buried with his ring, and so Grandma had to check the ring out, and in the process broke off one of George's fingers. Turns out the finger was wax. Somehow Kenny got into the mortuary this morning, left Spiro a note, and chopped off George's finger. And then while I was at the mall tonight with Mary Lou, Kenny threatened me in the shoe department. That must have been when he put the finger in my pocket.' [Morelli] 'Have you been drinking?
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Morning #Grandma #Drinking

  • I rented Ghostbusters, my all-time favorite inspirational movie. I picked up some microwave, popcorn, a KitKat, a bag of bite-sized Reese's peanut butter cups, and a box of instant hot chocolate with marshmallows. Do I know how to have a good time, or what?
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Chocolate #Bags #Cups

  • How was your day?" Morelli asked me. "Oh, you know, the usual. Stole a truck. Blew up a building, and brought seven monkeys home with me.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Home #Usual #Monkeys

  • You need teeth like mine!" Grandma said. "You can just mail 'em to the dentist!
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Grandma #Mail #Teeth

  • -You're gloating, Max. It's not flattering. Somebody needs to teach you a little humility.- -A good woman could do that.- -She'd have to be armed and dangerous.-
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Humility #Good Woman #Littles

  • On the bright side, I'm sure this isn't the last time you'll ever get firebombed, so maybe you'll have better luck next time.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Luck #Sides #Lasts

  • Do you have someone watching her house?” (Stephanie) “That kind of surveillance only happens in the movies. We’re so underbudgeted we’re one step away from holding bake sales to pay for toilet paper. (Morelli)
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #House #Steps #Paper

  • Nice dress you're almost wearing. You ever think about changing professions?" -Ranger
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Nice #Thinking #Dresses

  • Valerie was crying, too. She was laughing and sniffling back sobs. “I’m going to marry my snuggy wuggums,” she said. Morelli paused, his fork halfway to the roast chicken platter. He slid his eyes to me and leaned close. “If you ever call me snuggy wuggums in public I’ll lock you in the cellar and chain you to the furnace.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Eye #Laughing #Locks

  • Respect and love your readers. Write for the reader.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Love You #Writing #And Love

  • It's the twenty-first century." I told Tank. "Women drive." "Only in my bed," Tank said. "Never in my car.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Car #Bed #Tanks

  • No one expected a first year engineering student to build the perfect bridge.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Engineering #Years #Bridges

  • I was going to go to church, but I decided to get doughnuts instead.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Church #Doughnut

  • Thats what her cars do," Lula said. "They explode. But I gotta tell you this was the best. This here's the first time she exploded a garbage truck. One time her truck got hit with an antitank missile. That wasn't bad either, but it couldn't compare to this.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Car #Firsts #Garbage

  • Why do you give me cars?" "It's fun," Ranger said."And it keeps you safe. Do you want to know why keeping you safe is important to me?" "You love me?" "Yes." A sigh inadvertently escaped. "We're really screwed up, aren't we?" "In a very large way," Ranger said.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Fun #Car #Giving

  • Amen" Lula said and she made the sign of the cross. "I thought you were Baptist." "Yeah, but we don't got any hand signals for an occasion like this.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Hands #Baptists #Amen

  • As Stephanie and Lula were going after the bad guys, Lula was making preparations from the trunk of her Firebird. Stephanie looked inside and stopped breathing for a beat. "That's a rocket launcher!" "Yep," Lula said. "It's a big boy. I got it at a yard sale in the projects.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Boys #Breathing #Guy

  • When Grandma Mazur is talking about the reason for the improved play of her 91-year-old bowling teammate, she said: "She's doing better now that we got her the longer tubing to her oxygen tank.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Grandma #Play #Oxygen

  • My body is not designed to run. My body was designed to sit in an expensive care and drive.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Running #Body #Care

  • He had a body like batman
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Body

  • Stephanie, I'm begging you. Eat some doughnuts. I can't keep going like this." - Morelli
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Begging #Doughnut #Keep Going

  • I'd do the lifting, but I just got a manicure. And I notice you don't have a manicure at all. Only thing noticeable about your hands is the missing tan on your ring finger that I don't care about. -Lula
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Hands #Missing #Care

  • You ever get any death threats? How about ex-husbands or ex-boyfriends? You run over anyone recently?” ~ Morelli
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Running #Husband #Ex Boyfriend

  • I'm done with men. I have a hamster. That's all I need.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Men #Needs #Done

  • Concentrate on doing the job, not the fear.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Jobs

  • Lots of times I'm not crazy about the writing, but I keep moving ahead and somehow it gets better. The important thing is to move forward.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Crazy #Moving #Writing

  • He’s sort of a homeless horse,” I said. “I’m leaving for the airport in two seconds, and I won’t be back for a couple days. You can put the horse in the garage, but I don’t want that horse in my apartment.” “Who would put a horse in an apartment? That’s dumb.” “Where’s the horse staying now?” “My apartment.” “I can always count on you to brighten my day,” Ranger said. And he disconnected.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Horse #Couple #Two

  • Connie drove a silver Camry with rosary beads hanging from her rearview mirror and a Smith& Wesson stuck under the seat. No matter whatwent down, Connie was covered.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Mirrors #Matter #Rosary

  • My mother drove back to the intersection. "Who are you dating?" "Don't ask," I said. I wasn't dating anyone. I was fornicating with Batman.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Mother #Dating #Said

  • It would be difficult to tell," Wulf said. "I've always been a romantic. I've seen Casablanca twice, and I sat through the entire ordeal of Titanic". "Didn't you enjoy Titanic?" "I was relieved when the ship went down".
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Ships #Would Be #Said

  • Cute? I think my testosterone level just dropped - Ranger
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Cute #Thinking #Levels

  • If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn't have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn't have to worry about traffic. You relize Harry Potter isn't real, right? Of course, but he could be. I mean, maybe not Harry Potter, but someone like him. Who's to say?
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Real #Mean #Worry

  • Your life isn't out of control. It's expanded.
    -- Janet Evanovich

  • I rushed us out of your parents' house because I didn't think I could manage two hours at the dinner table with everyone focused on Joe Loosey's joystick sitting in the refrigerator next to the applesauce.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Thinking #Two #Parent

  • Last time you called me late at night you were naked and chained to your shower curtain rod. I hope this isn't going to be disappointing.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Night #Lasts #Naked

  • [Stephanie Plum]Jeez. No True Love" [Grandma Mazur] There's always been true love, but in my day, you either talked yourself into thinking you had it, or you talked yourself into thinking you didn't need it.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Grandma #Thinking #Needs

  • I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Night #Thinking #Shoes

  • I don't know if it's a good idea to give a woman a box of bullets when she's got a pimple.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Ideas #Giving #Bullets

  • Cracker Jacks don't count as junk food because they're corn and peanuts, which we know to be high in nutrition. And they have a prize inside.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Corn #Junk #Nutrition

  • I buy wine according to the bottle design. After I get down the first glass it all tastes okay to me so I figure you go for something classy to look at on the table
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Wine #Glasses #Design

  • I don't think his elevator went all the way to the top anymore, if you know what I mean
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Mean #Thinking #Way

  • You have the Super Soaker filled with holy water?” “Yeah. I sucked it out of the church. You know that bird-bath thing they got right up front?” “The baptismal font?” “That’s it. They got it filled with holy water, free for the taking.” “Brilliant,” I said to Lula. She tapped her head with her finger. “No grass growin’ here.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Water #Bird #Church

  • That’s nice of you, but it’s not necessary to loan me a car.” “I loan you cars all the time.” “And I almost always destroy them or lose them. I have terrible luck with cars.” “Working at Rangeman is a high-stress job, and you’re one of our few sources of comic relief. I give you a car and my men start a pool on how long it will take you to trash it. You’re a line item in my budget under entertainment.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Jobs #Nice #Stress

  • Any intelligent woman would have made a dignified retreat, but this was New Jersey, where dignity always runs a poor second to the pleasure of getting in someone's face.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Running #Intelligent #Faces

  • That’s how you tell what a man’s really made of. It’s one thing for a man to be big and brave and kill a spider. Any man could do that. Trailin’ after a woman when she’s shopping for thongs and push-up bras is a whole other category of man. And then if you want to see how far you can go with it, you ask him to carry one of those little pink bags they give you.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Men #Shopping #Giving

  • I checked my phone messages. Three in all. The first was from Joe. “Hey, Cupcake.” That was it. That was the whole message. The second was from Ranger. “Yo.” Ranger made Joe look like a chatterbox.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Phones #Cupcakes #Messages

  • You're not looking for a partner," Ranger said. "You're looking for an enforcer. You hate to run. You must be worried about getting into that black dress. What did you eat just now? Piece of cake? Candy bar?" "Everything," I said. "I just ate everything.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Running #Hate #Cake

  • Shirley's gonna be pissed," Gazarra said. "She hates when I get shot." To my recollection, the only other time Gazarra was shot was when he was playing quick draw in the police station elevator and his gun accidentally discharged. The bullet ricocheted off the elevator wall and lodged in Gazarra's right buttock.
    -- Janet Evanovich

    #Wall #Hate #Gun