Dov Davidoff famous quotes
05-20-2025
-
I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
-- Dov Davidoff -
I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
-- Dov Davidoff -
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
-- Dov Davidoff -
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
-- Dov Davidoff -
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
-- Dov Davidoff -
The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.
-- Dov Davidoff -
A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.
-- Dov Davidoff -
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.
-- Dov Davidoff -
I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.
-- Dov Davidoff -
It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
-- Dov Davidoff -
I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
-- Dov Davidoff -
We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.
-- Dov Davidoff -
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.
-- Dov Davidoff -
I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.
-- Dov Davidoff -
I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.
-- Dov Davidoff -
I'm pretty sure whoever said, people are wonderful spent very little time with people.
-- Dov Davidoff -
One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.
-- Dov Davidoff -
How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?
-- Dov Davidoff -
The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.
-- Dov Davidoff -
If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.
-- Dov Davidoff -
How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?
-- Dov Davidoff -
Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.
-- Dov Davidoff -
People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
-- Dov Davidoff -
TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.
-- Dov Davidoff -
I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
-- Dov Davidoff -
The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
-- Dov Davidoff -
Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
-- Dov Davidoff -
You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.
-- Dov Davidoff -
If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.
-- Dov Davidoff -
At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
-- Dov Davidoff -
If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.
-- Dov Davidoff -
The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Fake ***** are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
-- Dov Davidoff -
I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.
-- Dov Davidoff -
The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
-- Dov Davidoff -
My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.
-- Dov Davidoff -
America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.
-- Dov Davidoff -
It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.
-- Dov Davidoff -
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
-- Dov Davidoff -
America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.
-- Dov Davidoff -
If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Ending a sentence with yo, is like saying, I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever. Know what I mean yo?
-- Dov Davidoff -
When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.
-- Dov Davidoff -
The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.
-- Dov Davidoff -
The man I want to be could easily beat me up.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?
-- Dov Davidoff -
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.
-- Dov Davidoff -
There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.
-- Dov Davidoff -
If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.
-- Dov Davidoff -
The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
-- Dov Davidoff -
America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.
-- Dov Davidoff -
Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.
-- Dov Davidoff
You may also like:
-
Argus Hamilton
Comedian -
Bryan Callen
Actor -
Christian Finnegan
Comedian -
Dave Attell
Comedian -
Dom Irrera
Comedian -
Graham Yost
Television screenwriter -
Chris D'Elia
Comedian -
Gary Gulman
Stand-up comedian -
Gregg Rogell
Comedian -
Neal Brennan
Comedian
