Funny Dating Quotes:

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

- Jerry Seinfeld

topic: Inspirational, Motivational, Jobs, Job Interview, First Date

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

- Katharine Hepburn

topic: Marriage, Funny Love, Wedding, Marriage Humor, Married Man

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

- Scott Adams

topic: Dating, Religion, Principles, Dilbert, Payoff

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

- Rodney Dangerfield

topic: Funny, Girl, Home, Funny Dating

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

- Woody Allen

source: Quoted in N.Y. Times, 1 Dec. 1975

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Sexy, Risque, Bisexuality

I was dating this guy and we would spend all day text messaging each other. And he thought that he could tell that he liked me more because he actually spelt the word 'YOU' and I just put the letter 'U'.

- Kelly Osbourne

topic: Dating, Guy, Letters, Online Dating, This Guy

My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.

- Jenny McCarthy

topic: Philosophy, Women, Dating, Funny Dating

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

- Wendy Liebman

topic: Dog, Being Single, Blind, Blind Date, Funny Dating

If you kiss on the first date and it's not right, then there will be no second date. Sometimes it's better to hold out and not kiss for a long time. I am a strong believer in kissing being very intimate, and the minute you kiss, the floodgates open for everything else.

- Jennifer Lopez

topic: Strong, Kissing, First Love, Kissing And Love, Kissing Funny

Dating is different when you get older. You're not as trusting, or as eager to get back out there and expose yourself to someone.

- Toni Braxton

source: "Toni Braxton Talks New Movie Role". Interview with S. Tia Brown, www.ebony.com. July 26, 2012.

topic: Dating, Different, Funny Dating

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

- Jim Bishop

topic: Daughter, Dad, Being Single, Mom And Daughter, Mother And Daughter

I don't know the first real thing about the dating game. I don't know how to talk to a specific person and connect. I just think you have to go to person by person and do the best you can with people in general.

- Jason Schwartzman

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Real, Thinking, Games, Funny Dating

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

- Garry Shandling

topic: Single, Funny Love, Being Single, Singles, Single Man

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

- Mitch Hedberg

topic: Funny, Girlfriend, Dating, My Girlfriend, Funny Dating

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

- Honore de Balzac

topic: Funny, Marriage, Witty, Women Bashing, Dissecting

We are constantly protecting the male ego, and it's a disservice to men. If a man has any sensitivity or intelligence, he wants to get the straight scoop from his girlfriend.

- Betty Dodson

topic: Girlfriend, Men, Dating, Male Ego, Disservice

I think more dating stuff is scheduling. It's needing people who understand your work schedule.

- Jennifer Love Hewitt

topic: Thinking, People, Dating, Funny Dating, Scheduling

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.

- Mae West

topic: Relationship, Boyfriend, Being Single, Raining Day, Rains Beauty

Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.

- Andy Warhol

source: Andy Warhol, Bob Colacello (1979). “Andy Warhol's exposures”

topic: Funny Dating

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

- Rita Rudner

topic: Boyfriend, Marriage, Breakup, Funny Valentines Day, Funny Dating

If a girl breaks up with me, I want her to just die, just be dead. Not 'cause I hate her so much as it's just easier for when my friends go, 'Hey, what happened?' 'Oh, she's dead. I'd still be with her, but she's dead. What can I do? She was loving me, but she's dead.'

- Adam Sandler

topic: Girl, Hate, Dating, Funny Dating, Loving Me

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

- Bill Engvall

source: FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Jan 23, 2013

topic: Funny, Girl, Humor, Funny Dating

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

- Adam Ferrara

topic: Funny, Girl, Humor, Want To Sleep, Funny Dating

I remember the first date I ever went out on. It was in high school. Her name was Marguerite. She was kind of a heavyset girl... I took her out on one date. We went out for dinner and a movie and a dinner.

- Kevin Nealon

topic: Girl, School, Dating, First Date, Dinner And A Movie

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.

- Adam Ferrara

topic: Girlfriend, Nice, Funny Marriage, Funny Dating

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

- Adam Ferrara

topic: Funny, Humor, Thinking, Funny Dating, Perfect Woman

The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

- Adam Ferrara

topic: Funny, Girl, Humor, Funny Dating

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

- Adam Ferrara

topic: Funny, Religious, Humor, Religious Differences, Funny Dating

I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.

- Adam Ferrara

topic: Funny Dating

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to p-s you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.'

- Adam Ferrara

topic: Funny, Stupid, Humor, Funny Dating, Negative Energy

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

- Adam Ferrara

topic: Funny, Moving, Humor, Funny Dating

Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.

- Drew Carey

source: "The Drew Carey Show". www.imdb.com. 1995-2004.

topic: Cute, Nice, Drunk, Funny Dating, You Re Pretty