Funny Thoughts Quotes:

The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.

- Joe Girard

source: Joe Girard, Robert Casemore (1979). “How to Sell Yourself”, Simon & Schuster

topic: Inspirational, Order, Steps, Funny Motivational, One Step At A Time

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

- Oscar Wilde

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Military History, Military Soldier

We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.

- George Bernard Shaw

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Life, Motivational, Positive, Staying Young, Inspirational Age

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

- Isaac Asimov

source: "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners" edited by Geoff Tibballs, (p. 299), 2004.

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Laughter, Funny Leadership, Just Thinking Of You

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

- Erica Jong

source: FaceBook post by Erica Jong from Oct 02, 2015

topic: Spiritual, Witty, Women, Interesting Life, Inconvenient Truth

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

- Erma Bombeck

source: Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Humorous, Medical Doctor, Medical Education

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

- Margaret Mead

topic: Inspirational, Inspiring, Laughter, Individual Differences, Anthropology

When the going gets tough, the tough reinvent.

- RuPaul

topic: Tough, Inspirational Office, Moving On In Life, Change Agent, When Life Is Hard

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

- Abraham Lincoln

source: Abraham Lincoln (1982). “Abraham Lincoln, wisdom & wit”, Peter Pauper Pr

topic: Funny, Life, Sarcastic, Speak Less, Speaking Out

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

- Albert Einstein

topic: Funny, Girl, Witty, Math Is Like, Nice Girl

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

- Larry the Cable Guy

topic: Thinking, Laughing, Lasts, Funny Bumper Sticker, Funny One Liner

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- Alan Dundes

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Christmas, Stupid Jokes, Being Sarcastic

When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.

- Erma Bombeck

source: RuPaul (2010). “Workin' It!: RuPaul's Guide to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Style”, p.22, Harper Collins

topic: Cookies, Tough, Inspirational Office, Libraries And Librarians, Life Is Tough

When the going gets tough, the tough get a librarian.

- Joan Bauer

topic: Reading, Book, Thought Provoking, Inspirational Office, Life Is Tough

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

- Steven Wright

topic: Funny, Laughter, Humor, Live Simply, Funny Motivational

When the going gets tough, the tough take a nap.

- Tom Hodgkinson

topic: Sleep, Naps, Tough, Inspirational Office, Libraries And Librarians

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

- Robert Frost

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Witty, Inspirational Rain, Lending Money

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

- Germaine Greer

topic: Life, Happy Birthday, Happiness, Humorous Birthday, Mature And Immature

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

- Benjamin Franklin

source: James C. Humes, Benjamin Franklin (1995). “The wit and wisdom of Benjamin Franklin: a treasury of more than 900 quotations and anecdotes”, Harpercollins

topic: Healthy Living, Spanish And English, Spanish Proverb, Bad Apple, Dukes Of Hazzard

Don't take life too seriously.

- RuPaul

source: RuPaul (2010). “Workin' It!: RuPaul's Guide to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Style”, p.12, Harper Collins

topic: Life, Sarcastic, Funny Inspirational, Meaning Life, Life Being Too Short

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

- Albert Einstein

topic: Drinking, Alcohol, Inventory, Funny Bumper Sticker, Drinking Alcohol

The elevator to success is out of order, but the stairs are always open.

- Zig Ziglar

topic: Order, Preparation, Elevators, One Step At A Time, Funny Inspirational Life

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

- Dorothy Parker

topic: Funny, Anniversary, Valentines Day, Humor Love, Humorous Love

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

- Steven Wright

topic: Time, Food, Bird, Early Bird, Swiss Cheese

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

- Elbert Hubbard

source: Elbert Hubbard (1917). “In the Spotlight: Personal Experiences of Elbert Hubbard on the American Stage”

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Life And Living, Life Being Too Short

When the going gets tough, the tough go drinking.

- Bret Easton Ellis

source: FaceBook post by Bret Easton Ellis from Jan 01, 2014

topic: Drinking, Naps, Tough Times, Inspirational Office, Getting Through Hard Times

When the going gets tough, the tough eat ribs.

- Nora Roberts

topic: Ribs, Tough, Inspirational Office, Libraries And Librarians, Getting Through Hard Times

I either wrote at the end of the night or sometimes in the morning. Sometimes they were full entries, or others I just wrote notes about things that happened that day or funny thoughts I'd had. If I had a truly eventful day, I'd take the time to write it all down in great detail. I edited a lot of content out once it was all finished - there was way too much, and I didn't want to bore anyone. I like to keep the book [Superficial: More Adventures from the Andy Cohen Diaries] moving at a fast pace.

- Andy Cohen

source: "Watch What Happens...When Anderson Cooper interviews Andy Cohen". Interview With Anderson Cooper, www.amazonbookreview.com. November 25, 2016.

topic: Morning, Moving, Book, Funny Thoughts

I remember my fourth grade teacher reading 'Charlotte's Web' and 'Stuart Little' to us - both, of course, by E. B. White. His stories were genuinely funny, thought provoking and full of irony and charm. He didn't condescend to his readers, which was why I liked his books, and why I wasn't a big reader of other children's' books.

- Louis Sachar

topic: Teacher, Children, Reading, Charlotte, Charlotte's Web

Halfway down the stairs, is a stair, where I sit. There isn't any, other stair, quite like, it. I'm not at the bottom, I'm not at the top; So this is the stair, where, I always, stop. Halfway up the stairs, isn't up, and isn't down. It isn't in the nursery, it isn't in the town. And all sorts of funny thoughts, run round my head: It isn't really anywhere! It's somewhere else instead!

- A. A. Milne

source: A. A. Milne (1999). “Pooh to Grow on”, E P Dutton

topic: Running, Somewhere Else, Nurse, Funny Thoughts