Funny One Liner Quotes:
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Christmas, Stupid Jokes, Being Sarcastic
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
topic: Funny, Hilarious, Witty, Funny Bumper Sticker, Funny One Liner
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
topic: Funny, Hilarious, Humorous, Funny People, People Stupidity
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
topic: Funny, Humorous, Ideas, Funny One Liner, Best Funny
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
topic: Justice, Experience, Needs, Murphys Law, Funny One Liner
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
topic: Thinking, Laughing, Lasts, Funny Bumper Sticker, Funny One Liner
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
topic: Funny, Business, Clever, Jet Engines, Inspirational Office
topic: Jobs, Thinking, New Job, Status Updates, Funny Bumper Sticker
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
source: Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).
topic: Funny, Hilarious, Witty, Need Money, Funny Sarcastic
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
topic: Funny, Motivational Sports, Humorous, Kickboxing, Dark Sarcasm
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
source: The Independent (UK), March 28, 2003.
topic: Hilarious, Knowledge, Knowing, Knowledge And Wisdom, Witty One Liners
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
topic: Mathematical Logic, People, Three, Witty One Liners, Funny One Liner
Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
topic: Love, Missing You, Thinking Of You, Relatable, Just Thinking Of You
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
topic: Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic, Life Humor, Funny Jokes
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
source: Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)
topic: Funny, Anniversary, Marriage, Humorous Valentine, Marriage Advice
I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it.
topic: Insanity, Suffering, Minutes, Funny Bumper Sticker, Funny One Liner
Bacteria: The only culture some people have.
topic: People, Culture, Bacteria, Microbiology, Funny One Liner
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
source: "Why Demetri Martin's new show is an Important Thing not to miss" by Will Dean, www.theguardian.com. September 24, 2009. 
topic: Im Sorry, Heart, Games, Worst Times, Heart Attack
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
topic: Drinking, Alcohol, Inventory, Funny Bumper Sticker, Drinking Alcohol
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
topic: Hilarious, Peace, Tired, Time To Think, Getting Tired
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Inspiring, Nobody Cares, Money Management
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
topic: Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous, Funny Lawyer, Funny One Liner
How do you know when you're finished making love?
topic: Making Love, Drawn Together, Anatomy, Funny One Liner, Grey's Anatomy
source: "Remembering Joan Rivers" by Erica Diamond, www.huffingtonpost.com. September 8, 2014.
topic: Happiness, Money, Memorable, Hillarious, Secret To Happiness
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
topic: Funny, Humor, Barbie, Stupid Funny, Funny One Liner
topic: Funny, Food, Humor, Italian Renaissance, Funny One Liner
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
topic: Funny, People, Alive, Funny Bumper Sticker, Funny One Liner
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
topic: Fighting, Way, Vegetarian, Funny Bumper Sticker, Food Chain
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
topic: Bumper Sticker, Carrots, Chains, Funny Bumper Sticker, Food Chain
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
topic: Life, Positive, Success, Witty One Liners, Dilbert
topic: Hilarious, Way, Knowing God, Witty One Liners, Funny One Liner
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
topic: Inspirational, Life, Positive, Solo Travel, Soul Life
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
topic: Inspirational, Money, Math, Money And Happiness, Gamble
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT
source: Darynda Jones (2013). “Fifth Grave Past the Light”, p.21, St. Martin's Press
topic: Funny, Birthday, Humorous, Life Humor, Funny Jokes
Don't take life too seriously.
source: RuPaul (2010). “Workin' It!: RuPaul's Guide to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Style”, p.12, Harper Collins
topic: Life, Sarcastic, Funny Inspirational, Meaning Life, Life Being Too Short
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
topic: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty, Funny Sarcastic, Dark Sarcasm
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
topic: Success, Funny Inspirational, Failure, Photographic Memory, Murphys Law
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
topic: Life, Sarcastic, Memories, Bad Memories, Witty One Liners
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
topic: People, Support, Culture, Funny One Liner
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
topic: Funny, Life, Clever, Being Sarcastic, Dark Sarcasm
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
topic: Time, Food, Bird, Early Bird, Swiss Cheese
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
source: "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.
topic: Funny, Leadership, Sarcastic, Funny Jokes, Witty One Liners
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
topic: Mind, Minutes, Of My Mind, Funny Bumper Sticker, Funny One Liner
topic: Character, Thinking, Funny Things, Funny One Liner