Stupid Funny Quotes:

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

- Sam Levenson

source: Sam Levenson (2016). “You Don't Have to Be in Who's Who to Know What's What: The Choice Wit and Wisdom of Sam Levenson”, p.86, Open Road Media

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Wise, Stupid Life, Stupid Funny

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

- Steven Wright

topic: Funny, Humor, Barbie, Stupid Funny, Funny One Liner

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

- Harlan Ellison

source: Harlan Ellison, Arnie Fenner (2011). “Bugf#ck: The Useless Wit & Wisdom of Harlan Ellison”

topic: Funny, Life, Stupid, Being Stupid, Stupid Funny

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

- George Carlin

topic: Humor, Beer, Men, Stupid Funny, Wise Chinese

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

- Dan Quayle

topic: Funny, Running, Risk, Stupid Celebrity, Stupid Funny

Relationships are like farting, If you push too hard things could get messy real fast.

- Kevin Hart

source: FaceBook post by Kevin Hart from Jan 03, 2012

topic: Real, Messy, Hard Things, Stupid Funny, Trying Too Hard

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

- Yogi Berra

source: "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Death, Hilarious, Yankees Baseball, Stupid Funny

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

- Albert Einstein

topic: Witty, Creativity, Science, Creative People, Funny Sarcastic

I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger

topic: Marriage, Gay, Men, Stupidest, Stupid Celebrity

I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish.

- Britney Spears

source: "Did I say that?" compiled by John Hind, www.theguardian.com. September 13, 2008.

topic: Japan, Eating, Fishes, Really Stupid, Stupidest

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them.

- George H. W. Bush

topic: Strong, Patriotic, Opinion, Strong Opinions, Stupid Funny

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

- Brooke Shields

source: Testimony at House of Representatives hearings on cigarette advertising, 25 June 1981

topic: Funny, Life, Witty, Really Stupid, Very Stupid

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

- Yogi Berra

topic: Funny, Happiness, Travel, Inspirational Adventure Time, Funniest Sports

The doctors x-rayed my head and found nothing.

- Dizzy Dean

source: "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Baseball, Doctors, Stupid Funny, Stupidest Celebrity

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

- Groucho Marx

source: "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Friendship, Education, Joy Of Reading, Inspirational Dog

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

- Albert Einstein

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Education, Not Stupid, Infinite Intelligence

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

- Mariah Carey

source: "The X Factor - Mariah Carey night - LIVE!!!" by Heidi Stephens, www.theguardian.com. November 8, 2008.

topic: Funny, Money, Stupid, Really Stupid, Stupidest

I owe a lot to my parents, especially by mother and my father.

- Greg Norman

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Mother, Father, Golf, Favorite Sports, Funniest Sports

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

- Bertrand Russell

topic: Inspirational, Success, Educational, Being Stupid, Stupid Life

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

- Jason Kidd

topic: Teamwork, Sports, Witty, Sports Team, Funniest Sports

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

- George W. Bush

source: George W. Bush “Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States, George W. Bush, 2004, Book 2, July 1 to September 30, 2004”, Government Printing Office

topic: Country, Witty, Peace, Resourceful, Stupid Conservative

Is this chicken what I have or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea.

- Jessica Simpson

source: "Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica". www.imdb.com. 2003.

topic: Stupid, Tuna Fish, Sea, Really Stupid, Stupidest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

- Marion Barry

source: Quoted in Chicago Tribune, 28 Mar. 1989

topic: Funny, Country, Stupid, Stupid Celebrity, Stupid Funny

I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.

- George W. Bush

topic: Silly, Our Family, Stupid Funny, Funny Bush

Mere animals couldn’t possibly manage to act like this. You need to be a human being to be really stupid.

- Terry Pratchett

source: Terry Pratchett (2008). “Pyramids: (Discworld Novel 7)”, p.165, Random House

topic: Stupid, Animal, Pyramids, Really Stupid, Being Stupid

So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?

- Christina Aguilera

topic: Funny, Movie, Stupid, Really Stupid, Cannes

I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.

- George W. Bush

topic: Silly, Dumb, Conservative, Coexist, Stupid Conservative

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

- George W. Bush

source: "You've been a great audience ..." by Oliver Burkeman, www.theguardian.com. January 7, 2009.

topic: Nature, Children, Humorous, Stupid Celebrity, Stupid Funny

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank God, I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.

- Barbara Boxer

source: "Jews in the Senior Chamber" by Dan Klein, www.tabletmag.com. October 12, 2010.

topic: Funny, Thanksgiving, Stupid, Really Stupid, Stupid Funny

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

- Samuel Goldwyn

source: "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Witty, Stupid, Stupid Funny, Single Man

I cannot tell you how grateful I am - I am filled with humidity.

- Gib Lewis

topic: Funny, Grateful, Dumb, Stupid Funny, Humidity

I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we did live forever, then we would live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

- Heather Whitestone

topic: Stupid, Forever, Should, Really Stupid, Stupid Celebrity

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.

- George W. Bush

topic: Children, Silly, Tests, Stupid Funny, Literacy And Children

The internet is a great way to get on the net.

- Bob Dole

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Stupid, Technology, Really Stupid, Stupid Celebrity

I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding.

- Jacques LeBlanc

topic: Funny, History, Dumb, Stupid Funny, Stupidest Celebrity

Pitching is 80% of the game and the other half is hitting and fielding.

- Mickey Rivers

topic: Funny, Basketball, Kids, Stupid Funny, Stupidest Celebrity

I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness.

- Alicia Silverstone

source: "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Clueless, Thinking, Very Stupid, Stupidest

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history.

- Dan Quayle

topic: Holocaust, Periods, Obscene, Stupid Funny, Dumb Celebrity

Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again

- Christopher Dodd

topic: Stupid, Eight, Telling The Truth, Stupid Funny, Stupid Liberal

My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.

- Chuck Nevitt

topic: Sports, Baby, Uncles, Sports Stars, Stupid Celebrity

I want to go to there.

- Tina Fey

topic: Funny, Desire, Phrases, Stupid Funny

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.

- Dan Quayle

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Witty, Phoenix, Stupid Conservative, Stupid Funny

I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off'. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid.

- Paris Hilton

topic: Funny, Witty, Sorry, Not Stupid, Stupidest

Sometimes he hated that voice in his brain, the one that slapped him upside the head anytime he got too stupid. Funny, it happened a lot with Sienna.

- Nalini Singh

source: Nalini Singh (2012). “Nalini Singh: The Psy-Changeling Series”, p.159, Penguin

topic: Stupid, Voice, Brain, Stupid Funny

I'm just saying stupid, funny things when I'm hanging out on the TV show. When I'm making music I'm in a completely different zone.

- Chanel West Coast

topic: Stupid, Tv Shows, Funny Things, Stupid Funny