Best Funny Quotes:

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

- Bob Hope

source: "Goodbyes" by Craig Taylor, www.theguardian.com. December 26, 2003.

topic: Blood, Best Funny, Age, Blood Type

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

- Fred Allen

topic: Graduation, Education, Laughter, Inspirational Graduation, Inspirational High School Graduation

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Marriage, Speech Impediment, Good Wife

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

- Will Rogers

topic: Inspirational, Life, Motivational, Daily Work, Management Motivation

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

- Elayne Boosler

topic: Funny, Life, Hilarious, Humor And Laughter, Humor Laughter

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

- Oscar Wilde

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Military History, Military Soldier

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

- Woody Allen

topic: Funny, Laughter, Ideas, Best Funny

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

- Lana Turner

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Laughter, Marriage Humor, Marriage Jokes

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

- Steven Wright

topic: Funny, Humorous, Ideas, Funny One Liner, Best Funny

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

- Groucho Marx

source: "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Friendship, Education, Joy Of Reading, Inspirational Dog

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

- Oscar Wilde

topic: Funny, Life, Hilarious, Have A Laugh, Witty One Liners

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

- Charles M. Schulz

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Wordplay, Snoopy

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

- Oscar Wilde

topic: Funny, Clever, Hipster, Mimicry, Very Clever

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

- Henry A. Kissinger

source: The New York Times Magazine, June 01, 1969.

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Witty, Stress Release, Stress Relief

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

- Oscar Wilde

topic: Single, Men, Temptation, Funny Being Single, Best Funny

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.

- Mark Twain

source: Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.389, Courier Corporation

topic: Funny, Senior, Laughter, Best Funny

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

- Groucho Marx

topic: Funny, Running, Witty, Medical Doctor, Medical Education

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

- Groucho Marx

topic: Funny, Witty, Laughter, Innuendo, Funny Jokes

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

- Robert Frost

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Witty, Inspirational Rain, Lending Money

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

- George Bernard Shaw

source: Everybody's Political What's What? ch. 30 (1944)

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Witty, Funny Leadership, Income Tax