Funny Wedding Advice Quotes:

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

- Rita Rudner

source: Rita Rudner (2008). “I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething”, p.86, Crown Archetype

topic: Funny, Marriage, Pain, Marriage Advice, Marriage Advice For Newlyweds

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.

- Lyndon B. Johnson

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Marriage Advice, Marriage Anniversary

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always

- Red Skelton

topic: Inspiration, Names, Missing, Marriage Humor, Marriage Jokes

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

- Henny Youngman

topic: Love, Marriage, Secret, Husband To Be, Marriage Advice For Newlyweds

Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

topic: Funny, Marriage, Witty, Humorous Valentine, Husband To Be

Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.

- Joyce Brothers

topic: Love, Marriage, Spiritual, Marriage Jokes, Marriage Life

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

- Billy Connolly

topic: Marriage, Funny Love, Funny Wedding, Marriage Advice, Marriage Love

When you make the sacrifice in marriage, you're sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship.

- Joseph Campbell

topic: Love, Relationship, Anniversary, Marriage Advice, Marriage And Love Inspirational

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

- Cass Daley

topic: Marriage, Giving, Matter, Marriage Advice, Funny Marriage Advice

My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they'll never get all the pennies out of the pot.

- Armistead Maupin

source: Armistead Maupin (1989). “Tales of the city ; More tales of the city ; Further tales of the city: an omnibus”, Vintage

topic: Marriage, Mother, Couple, Marriage Humor, Married Couples

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

- Ogden Nash

source: "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

topic: Relationship, Two, People, Humorous Birthday, Marriage Humor

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

- Jean Kerr

source: Jean Kerr (1962). “The Snake Has all the Lines”

topic: Love, Marriage, Wedding, Marriage Jokes, Wedding Speech

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

- Henny Youngman

topic: Funny, Relationship, Anniversary, Marriage Advice, Marriage Advice For Newlyweds

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

- Rita Rudner

topic: Love, Funny, Marriage, Humorous Love, Humorous Valentine

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

- Erma Bombeck

topic: Love, Marriage, Funny Relationship, Humor Love, Marriage Advice For Newlyweds

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

- Benjamin Franklin

topic: Family, Marriage, Funny Love, Marriage Advice, Marriage Advice For Newlyweds

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

- Mignon McLaughlin

source: Mignon McLaughlin (2014). “Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin”, p.32, BookBaby

topic: Love, Relationship, Anniversary, Husband Love, Husband To Be

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

- Minnie Pearl

topic: Marriage, Water, Hot, Marriage Humor, Getting Married

Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.

- Maryon Pearson

topic: Marriage, Men, Behind Every Great Man, Marriage Advice, Marriage Humor

Husbands are like fires - they go out when they're left unattended.

- Cher

topic: Love, Funny Love, Husband, Humorous Valentine, Husband To Be

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

- Groucho Marx

topic: Marriage, Husband, Mouths, Marriage Jokes, Wedding Marriage

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

- Herbert V. Prochnow

topic: Birthday, Wife, Way, Humorous Birthday, Husband To Be

Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

- Ogden Nash

source: Ogden Nash, “A Word To Husbands”

topic: Inspirational, Life, Inspirational Life, Marriage Advice, Marriage Advice For Newlyweds

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.

- H. L. Mencken

topic: Funny, Anniversary, Marriage, Marriage Advice, Marriage Advice For Newlyweds

Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

- Georg C. Lichtenberg

topic: Inspirational Love, Love Is, Sight, Marriage Advice, Marriage Advice For Newlyweds

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

- Groucho Marx

topic: Love, Marriage, People, Marriage Advice, Marriage Advice For Newlyweds

you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!

- Bill Maher

topic: Husband, Names, People, Funny Wedding, Funny Marriage Advice

Love is not only something you feel, it is something you do.

- David Wilkerson

topic: Love, Relationship, Inspiring, Love Thoughts, Wedding Marriage

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.

- Simone Signoret

topic: Love, Marriage, Women, Husband To Be, Marriage Advice

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

- Michel de Montaigne

topic: Marriage, Husband, Funny Relationship, Husband Love, Husband Wife

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

- H. L. Mencken

topic: Marriage, Men, Scotch Whisky, Marriage Advice, Married Man

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

- Sacha Guitry

source: "Book of Humorous Quotations" edited by Connie Robertson, (p. 83), 1998.

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Marriage, Husband Wife, Marriage Humor

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

- Joey Adams

source: Joey Adams (1957). “Cindy and I: The Real Life Adventures of Mr. and Mrs. Joey Adams”

topic: Funny, Marriage, Witty, Marriage Advice, Marriage Jokes