Merry Xmas Funny Quotes:

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Christmas, Xmas, Past, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.

- Hamilton Wright Mabie

topic: Christmas, Blessed, World, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.

- Laura Ingalls Wilder

topic: Christmas, Memories, Children, Christmas Time, Meaningful Christmas

Bless us Lord, this Christmas, with quietness of mind; Teach us to be patient and always to be kind.

- Helen Steiner Rice

topic: Christmas, Mind, Be Kind, Humorous Christmas, Jesus And Christmas

England was merry England, when Old Christmas brought his sports again. 'Twas Christmas broach'd the mightiest ale; 'Twas Christmas told the merriest tale; A Christmas gambol oft could cheer The poor man's heart through half the year.

- Walter Scott

topic: Christmas, Sports, Cheer, Ale, Inspirational Holiday

But I am sure that I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round...as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely.

- Charles Dickens

topic: Christmas, Heart, Men, Christmas Time, Carols

I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year.

- Ray Stannard Baker

source: Ray Stannard Baker (1910). “Adventures in Friendship”

topic: Healing, Thinking, Years, Christmas Time, Inspirational Holiday

When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?

- Gilbert K. Chesterton

topic: Christmas, Gratitude, Children, Christmas Time, Inspirational Holiday

At Christmas play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.

- Thomas Tusser

source: Five Hundred Pointes of Good Husbandrie (1580)

topic: Christmas, Cheer, Holiday, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

- Andy Rooney

topic: Christmas, World, Rooms, Humorous Christmas, Meaningful Christmas

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.

- Bill Vaughan

topic: Inspirational, Family, Happy, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

- Bernard Manning

topic: Christmas, Kids, Batteries, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.

- Katharine Whitehorn

topic: Christmas, Views, Would Be, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

- Jay Leno

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Christmas, Wise, Humorous Christmas, Merry Xmas Funny

Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.

- Peg Bracken

topic: Christmas, Time And Love, Ingredients, Family Holiday, Christmas Time

Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it.

- Richard Lamm

topic: Funny, Christmas, Business, Christmas Time, Merry

I heard the bells on Christmas Day Their old, familiar carols play, And wild and sweet The words repeat Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

topic: Christmas, Sweet, Men, Jesus And Christmas, Jesus Christmas

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

- Publilius Syrus

topic: Women, Believe, Trying, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Images

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love. It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.

- William Thomas Ellis

topic: Christmas, Blessed, Heart, Gifts Of The Spirit, Family Holiday

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

- Shirley Temple

source: Quoted in Leslie Halliwell, Halliwell's Filmgoer's Companion (1984)

topic: Funny, Christmas, Mother, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

- Charles Dickens

topic: Love, Christmas, Heart, Humorous Christmas, Family Holiday

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.

- Norman Vincent Peale

topic: Love, Positive, Christmas, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.

- William Thomas Ellis

topic: Christmas, Heart, Air, Gifts Of The Spirit, Family Holiday

A Christmas gambol oft could cheer The poor man's heart through half the year.

- Walter Scott

topic: Christmas, Cheer, Heart, Ale, Inspirational Holiday

Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times.

- Kate Langley Bosher

source: Kate Langley Bosher (2005). “How It Happened”, p.15, 1st World Publishing

topic: Christmas, Lonely, Mind, Merry Christmas Greetings, Merry Christmas Wishes

Christmas is for children. But it is for grownups too. Even if it is a headache, a chore, and nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chill and hide bound hearts.

- Lenora Mattingly Weber

topic: Christmas, Children, Heart, Family Holiday, Inspirational Holiday

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!

- Dave Barry

topic: Christmas, Christian, Atheist, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Eve

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

- Bill Watterson

source: "Calvin and Hobbes". Comic strip by Bill Watterson, November 18, 1985 – December 31, 1995.

topic: Christmas, Xmas, Beer, Humorous Christmas, Merry Xmas Funny