Humorous Christmas Quotes:

Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day.

- Helen Steiner Rice

topic: Christmas, Funny Christmas, Earth, Humorous Christmas, Jesus Christmas

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

- Jerry Seinfeld

topic: Funny, Christmas, People, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Card

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.

- Norman Vincent Peale

topic: Love, Positive, Christmas, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

- Jay Leno

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Christmas, Wise, Humorous Christmas, Merry Xmas Funny

Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.

- Washington Irving

topic: Christmas, Thank You, Heart, Humorous Christmas, Kindling

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.

- Bill Vaughan

topic: Inspirational, Family, Happy, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

- Johnny Carson

topic: Birthday, People, Fruitcake, Humorous Christmas, Funny Christmas

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

- P. J. O'Rourke

source: P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.136, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

topic: Funny, Christmas, Money, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

- Dave Barry

topic: Christmas, Religious, Holiday, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Time

Bless us Lord, this Christmas, with quietness of mind; Teach us to be patient and always to be kind.

- Helen Steiner Rice

topic: Christmas, Mind, Be Kind, Humorous Christmas, Jesus And Christmas

The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others' burdens, easing other's loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas.

- William Carey Jones

topic: Christmas, Heart, Joy, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!

- Dave Barry

topic: Christmas, Christian, Atheist, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Eve

Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?

- Tom Armstrong

topic: Christmas, Cities, Guy, Humorous Christmas, Funny Christmas

Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts.

- Max Lucado

topic: Christmas, Shepherds, Groups, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Gift

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

- Gary Allan

source: Song: Let's Be Naughty

topic: Christmas, Journey, Naughty, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Greeting Card

Christmas is the day that holds all time together.

- Alexander Smith

topic: Christmas, Holiday, Together, Humorous Christmas, Jesus Christmas

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

- Johnny Carson

topic: Funny, Christmas, Sarcastic, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Time

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.

- P. J. O'Rourke

source: P. J. O'Rourke (1983). “Modern manners”, Dell Books

topic: Funny, Christmas, Xmas, Humorous Christmas, Neckties

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Christmas, Xmas, Past, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

- Shirley Temple

source: Quoted in Leslie Halliwell, Halliwell's Filmgoer's Companion (1984)

topic: Funny, Christmas, Mother, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

- Publilius Syrus

topic: Women, Believe, Trying, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Images

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

- Charles Dickens

topic: Love, Christmas, Heart, Humorous Christmas, Family Holiday

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Christmas, Jobs, Clever, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

At Christmas play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.

- Thomas Tusser

source: Five Hundred Pointes of Good Husbandrie (1580)

topic: Christmas, Cheer, Holiday, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

- Garrison Keillor

topic: Love, Funny, Christmas, Humorous Christmas, Meaningful Christmas

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

- Andy Rooney

topic: Christmas, World, Rooms, Humorous Christmas, Meaningful Christmas

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

- Kin Hubbard

topic: Funny, Christmas, Tears, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Inspirational

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.

- Tom Sims

topic: Christmas, Years, Patterns, Humorous Christmas, Funny Christmas

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

- Erma Bombeck

topic: Christmas, Spiritual, Morning, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Eve

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

- Bob Phillips

topic: Christmas, Believe, Men, Humorous Christmas, Funny Christmas

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

- W. C. Fields

topic: Christmas, Drinking, House, Humorous Christmas, Funny Christmas

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

topic: Funny, Christmas, Witty, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.

- Katharine Whitehorn

topic: Christmas, Views, Would Be, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

- Bill Watterson

source: "Calvin and Hobbes". Comic strip by Bill Watterson, November 18, 1985 – December 31, 1995.

topic: Christmas, Xmas, Beer, Humorous Christmas, Merry Xmas Funny

Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves.

- Eric Sevareid

topic: Christmas, Years, One Day, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.

- Hamilton Wright Mabie

topic: Christmas, Blessed, World, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it 'white'.

- Bing Crosby

topic: Christmas, Blessed, Holiday, Humorous Christmas, Meaningful Christmas

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

- Bernard Manning

topic: Christmas, Kids, Batteries, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

- Kin Hubbard

topic: Christmas, Children, Mean, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards