Zach Galifianakis Quotes:

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

Topics: Funny, Drinking, Names, Drinking Problem, Bartender

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.

Topics: Real, Character, Bunch

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

Topics: Funny, Growing Up, Forts

My comfort zone is press conferences.

Topics: Comfort, Comfort Zone, Conferences, Press Conferences

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

source: - "Zach Galifianakis Live at the Purple Onion". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

Topics: Funny, Thinking, Age

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.

Topics: Cynical, Important, Culture

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.

Topics: Thinking, Sometimes, Audience

I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.

Topics: Looks, Beard

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

Topics: Wonder, Spaceships

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.

Topics: Mom, Lonely, Son, Burned Out, Lonely World

I'm proud of The Hangover, but to be in movies like this, which are really the only places I can get work, it's really quite the opposite of what I am. I like sensitive art-house movies. I'm not even much of a partier. I mean, I'll drink myself into oblivion alone in my car.

Topics: Art, Hangover, Mean

I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.

Topics: Real, Frustration, Thinking

I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for [fame]. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.

Topics: People, Ironic, Want

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

Topics: Self, Kind, Certain

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but [your scent] is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.

Topics: Smell, Dating, Guy, Deodorant, Cavemen

I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7".

Topics: Hate, Height, Terrible

It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.

Topics: Couple, Fun, Thinking

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

Topics: Mean, Long, Abbreviations

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

source: - "Saturday Night Live", March 06, 2010.

Topics: Mean, Pilates, Waffles

I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging.

Topics: Powerful, Thinking, Laughing

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.

Topics: Names, Goal, Lasts

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

Topics: Grandparent, Making Love, Raisins

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

Topics: Rudeness

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

Topics: Girl, Thinking, Fats, Fat Girl

I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do.

Topics: Acting, Want, Monkeys

As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it.

source: - Source: film.avclub.com

Topics: Thinking, Actors, World

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

Topics: Hammocks, Revolution

When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically.

Topics: Fun, Play, Roles

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

source: - "Zach Galifianakis Live at the Purple Onion". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

Topics: Funny, Dream, Country, Trios

I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.

Topics: Brother, Ivory, Goal, Choosy

People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions.

Topics: Mean, Grandmother, People

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

Topics: Thinking, Laughing, Track

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'

Topics: Hate, People, I Hate

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

Topics: Sneakers, Dry, Laundry

My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.

Topics: Names, Middle

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

Topics: New York, Hate, Joints, Busboys

I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.

Topics: Pilates, Kind, Quiet, Quiet Person

We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics.

Topics: Growing Up, Coffee, Blood, Family Growing Up

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

Topics: Men, Thinking, Wolf Packs

The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore.

Topics: Thinking, Long, Down And

There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life.

Topics: Stupid, Thinking, People, Really Dumb

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny.

Topics: Song, Girlfriend, Mean, Coma

When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.

Topics: Writing, Goal, Long, Grass Is Always Greener, Greener

There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.

Topics: Girlfriend, Artist, Long

Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.

Topics: Stuff, Lines, Easier, Reciting

That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.

Topics: Yelling, People, Limits

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food

Topics: Feelings, Arriving, Imagine, Waiter

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'

Topics: Stars, Drinking, Night

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

Topics: Writing, Night, Trying

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

Topics: Funny, Finding Yourself, Clerks

I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.

Topics: Weed, Marijuana, Smoking, Smoking Weed

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

Topics: Smell, Onions, Scratches, Headshots

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.

Topics: Girl, New Year, Years, Funny New Years, Funny New Years Eve

People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.

Topics: People, Trying, Way

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

Topics: School, People, Choices, Cafeteria

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

source: - "Zach Galifianakis Live at the Purple Onion". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

Topics: Funny, Dream, Moving

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

Topics: Hate, Peppers, Cinnamon

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.

source: - "Saturday Night Live", March 06, 2010.

Topics: Brother, Dark, Comedy, Dark Comedy

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

Topics: Girlfriend, Littles, Looks

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'

Topics: Bible, Bullshit, People

The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.

Topics: Sarcastic, Interviews, Fonts

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

Topics: Death, Suicide, Grandmother

I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony.

Topics: Writing, Land, People, All Black, Nudists

I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that.

Topics: Cute, Past, Years, Diagrams, Really Cute

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

Topics: Funny, Children, Mean

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

Topics: Funny, Brother, Shoes

I call my balls the bush twins.

Topics: Funny, Balls, Twins

I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.

Topics: Trying, Cursing, Feels

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.

Topics: Next

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

Topics: Long, Done, Fats

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.

Topics: People, Props

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

Topics: Too Much, Influence, Outside Influences, American Politics

You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired.

Topics: Tired, Long, Kicking

My forte is awkwardness.

source: - "Megan Fox". Interview with Zach Galifianakis, www.interviewmagazine.com. June 22, 2010.

Topics: Forte, Awkwardness

I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.

Topics: Anxiety, Publicity

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

Topics: Real, Names, Lasts

I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.

Topics: Leon

I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.

Topics: Trying, Want, Comic

I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.

Topics: Tea, Way, Tea Party

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

Topics: Greek, Cheese, Body, Feta Cheese

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.

Topics: Running, School, Law, Constitutional Law

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.

Topics: Years, Numbers, Looks

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me.' Being popular is poison.

Topics: Poison, Thanks, Comedy, Being Popular

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.

Topics: Dad, Laughing, People

Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it.

Topics: Hate, Interviews, Privacy

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Mean, Scrabble, Diarrhea

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Fit

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

Topics: Funny, Crazy, Humor, Co Worker

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

Topics: Funny, Girlfriend, Couple, Charades

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

source: - "Zach Galifianakis: Live at the Purple Onion". Documentary, Comedy, video, 2006.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Looks

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

Topics: Funny, Tattoo, Humor

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

Topics: Funny, Book, Writing

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

Topics: Funny, Humor, Race

I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.

Topics: Greek, Olives, Wanted

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Gay, Cerebral Palsy

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Topics: Funny, Humor, Thinking

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

Topics: Funny, Sorry, Humor

You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.

source: - "Zach Galifianakis: ‘I have no idea’ if FX comedy ‘Baskets’ will work". Interview with Alan Sepinwall, uproxx.com. January 19, 2016.

Topics: Writing, Focus, Groups, Focus Groups

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

Topics: Funny, Humor

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.

Topics: Integrity, Patterns, Comedic

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Reality

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.

source: - "Zach Galifianakis: ‘I have no idea’ if FX comedy ‘Baskets’ will work". Interview with Alan Sepinwall, uproxx.com. January 19, 2016.

Topics: Guy, Watches, Needs, Internal Conflict

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

Topics: Funny, Father, Humor

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

source: - "Zach Galifianakis: Soon You Will Be Laughing at This Man". Interview with Peter Martin, www.esquire.com. June 2, 2009.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Wigs, Helmet

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

Topics: Funny, Humor, Reality, Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

Topics: Funny, Teacher, Sex, High School Teachers

I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.

source: - "DUE DATE Press Conference with Robert Downey Jr., Zach Galifianakis, Director Todd Phillips and Michelle Monaghan (With Audio)". Interview with Steve "Frosty" Weintraub, collider.com. November 2, 2010.

Topics: Color, Want, Red

'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries.

source: - Source: www.hitfix.com

Topics: Interesting, Looks, Baskets

You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.

Topics: Sleep, Men, Minutes

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.

source: - "Zach Galifianakis: ‘I have no idea’ if FX comedy ‘Baskets’ will work". Interview with Alan Sepinwall, uproxx.com. January 19, 2016.

Topics: Sadness, Thinking, Comedy, Fertile Ground, Sadness And Anger

But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they're part of the same ilk.

Topics: Stupid, People, Comedy

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Yesterday

I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.

source: - "Zach Galifianakis Talks Working with Will Ferrell, His “Non-Sexual” Character, and Disliking Children on the Set of THE CAMPAIGN". Interview with Scott Wampler, collider.com. July 25, 2012.

Topics: Thinking, Trying, Tools

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

Topics: People, Mad, Trophies, Being Mad

The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.

source: - "Zach Galifianakis Talks Working with Will Ferrell, His “Non-Sexual” Character, and Disliking Children on the Set of THE CAMPAIGN". collider.com. July 25, 2012.

Topics: People, Laughing, Cameras

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

Topics: Funny, Humor, Kind

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.

Topics: Baby, Light, People

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

source: - Source: www.hitfix.com

Topics: Thinking, Edginess, Want, Bad Language

If you see something, say something.

Topics: Ifs

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.

source: - "Zach Galifianakis Talks PUSS IN BOOTS, DOG FIGHT, THE HANGOVER 3, BORED TO DEATH and BETWEEN TWO FERNS". Interview with Christina Radish, collider.com. October 25, 2011.

Topics: Guy, Sour, Curmudgeon

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.

source: - "Zach Galifianakis: 'I have no idea' if FX comedy 'Baskets' will work". Interview with Alan Sepinwall, uproxx.com. January 19, 2016.

Topics: Real, People, Personality

I think if you come out to California trying to be an actor, it's pretty hard. There's desperation. A lot of people are desperate, and a lot of people are clueless, including me. It's hard to try to figure it out. I've never told you, but I have head shots that if you saw them... they're so terrible! It's so embarrassing.

Topics: Clueless, Thinking, California

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

source: - "DUE DATE Press Conference with Robert Downey Jr., Zach Galifianakis, Director Todd Phillips and Michelle Monaghan (With Audio)". Interview with Steve "Frosty" Weintraub, collider.com. November 2, 2010.

Topics: Hey, May, Kind

Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.

source: - "Zach Galifianakis: ‘I have no idea’ if FX comedy ‘Baskets’ will work". Interview with Alan Sepinwall, uproxx.com. January 19, 2016.

Topics: Fun, Elements, Done, Element Of Surprise

I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .

Topics: Character, Littles, Fragile

I've always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he's often playing a sad clown, and it's always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting.

source: - "Zach Galifianakis: ‘I have no idea’ if FX comedy ‘Baskets’ will work". Interview with Alan Sepinwall, uproxx.com. January 19, 2016.

Topics: Interesting, Looks, Woody, Woody Allen Movie, Sad Clown

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

Topics: Funny, Humor, Acne, Cafeteria