All ZACH GALIFIANAKIS Quotes about “Funny”

“You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.”
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
“At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?”
“I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'”
“Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'”
“My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.”
“I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.”
“Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?”
“I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.”
“Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.”
“You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.”
“Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.”
“You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.”
“When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.”
“Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.”
“I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."”
“I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.”
“Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.”
“My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.”

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