Golf Humor Quotes:
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
topic: Golf, Bags, Woods, Great Golf, Funny Golfing
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
topic: Golf, Play, Age, Humorous Golf, Playing Golf
If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.
source: "Famous drinkers" by Rob Parker, www.theguardian.com. April 18, 2004. 
topic: Drinking, Book, Beer, Funny Sarcastic, Inspirational Golf
Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course
source: Quoted in Colin Jarman The Guinness Dictionary of Sports Quotations (1990).
topic: Golf, Games, Inches, Sports Mental Toughness, Motivational Golf
topic: Sports, Golf, Iron, Humorous Golf, Golf Ball
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
topic: Sports, Retirement, Golf, Inspirational Golf, Funny Retirement
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
topic: Funny, Golf, Play, Inspirational Golf, Funny Retirement
topic: Basketball, Sports, Fashion, Inspirational Golf, Funniest Sports
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
source: Quoted in Scholastic Coach,'Coaches' Corner', Dec 1982.
topic: Golf, Games, Tomatoes, Humorous Golf, Golfing
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
topic: Golf, Play, Lows, Humorous Golf, Playing Golf
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
topic: Funny, Lying, Golf, Humorous Golf, Inspirational Golf
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.
topic: Funny, Golf, Play, Inspirational Golf, Playing Golf
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
topic: Beautiful, Sports, Golf, Humorous Golf, Inspirational Golf
I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser.
topic: Golf, Games, Strokes, Great Golf, Golfing
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
topic: Funny, Retirement, Native American, Inspirational Golf, Motivational Golf
I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.
source: Quoted in Colin Jarman The Guinness Dictionary of Sports Quotations (1990).
topic: Sports, Golf, Guitar, Humorous Golf, Inspirational Golf
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
topic: Retirement, Real, Golf, Funny Golf, Funny Golfing
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
topic: Funny, Taken, Golf, Four Letter Words, Funny Golf
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
topic: Funny, Sports, Golf, Humorous Golf, Inspirational Golf
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
topic: Sports, Prayer, Golf, Inspirational Golf, Motivational Golf
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
topic: Golf, Shadow, Balls, Humorous Golf, Golf Ball
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
topic: Funny, Hope, Inspirational Sports, Humorous Golf, Golf Ball
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
topic: Sports, Dirty, Golf, Humorous Golf, Golf Ball
Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it.
topic: Sex, Golf, Enjoy, Inspirational Golf, Great Golf
Golf is a game in which you yell "for," shoot six, and write down five.
topic: Writing, Golf, Games, Inspirational Golf, Motivational Golf
Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.
topic: Golf, World, Columbus, Great Golf, Funny Golfing
topic: Golf, Years, May, Golf Humor
I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games.
topic: Golf, Games, Play, Golf Game, Golf Humor
If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.
source: Paul Gallico (2015). “Farewell to Sport”, p.165, Open Road Media
topic: Golf, Men, Humorous Golf, Larceny, Funny Golfing
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated than that.
topic: Believe, Golf, Complicated, Humorous Golf, Inspirational Golf
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
topic: Golf, Swimming, House, Humorous Golf, Golf Humor
Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses...
source: "The Political Thought of Adlai E. Stevenson" by William Robert Latimer, (p. 89), 1955.
topic: Funny, Golf, Church, Golf Humor, Synagogue
topic: Golf, Years, Play, Humorous Golf, Golf Ball
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
topic: Sports, Golf, World, Inspirational Golf, Motivational Golf
source: Quoted in Michael HobbsThe Golf Quotation Book (1992).
topic: Funny, Sports, Hate, Inspirational Golf, Motivational Golf
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
topic: Sports, Golf, Knives, Humorous Golf, Inspirational Golf
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
topic: Funny, Sports, Inspiration, Golf Ball, Inspirational Golf
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law.
topic: Beauty, Golf, Men, Humorous Golf, Playing Golf
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
source: "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.
topic: Golf, Two, Balls, Humorous Golf, Golf Ball
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
topic: Funny, Hope, Golf, Humorous Golf, Golf Humor
topic: Golf, Balls, Today, Wonderful Experience, Golfing
May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
topic: Lying, Golf, Water, Golf Ball, Inspirational Golf
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.
topic: Sports, Golf, Winning, Humorous Golf, Great Golf
Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
topic: Golf, Long Walks, Two, Humorous Golf, Funny Golfing
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.
topic: Golf, Swings, Practice, Humorous Golf, Great Golf
Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?
topic: Funny, Sports, Athlete, Inspirational Golf, Motivational Golf
Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward.
topic: Running, Art, Distance, Golf Humor, Golf Life
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
topic: Golf, Get Better, Age, Golf Humor