Eddie Izzard quotes

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.
-- Eddie Izzard

#If There Is A God #Plans

If you get too well-known in comedy, I do believe it blocks people from taking you in drama.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Block #Drama #Believe

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Funny #Elephants #Acid

Comedy is like a very cokey, druggy sugar. You get hits of comedy, and it's very, "More, give me more of that stuff," because serotonin is being released in the brain. So it's basically, everyone becomes serotonin junkies, and we are serotonin dealers. And that's what being a comedian is about.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Giving #Comedian #Brain

Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. 'In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran.'
-- Eddie Izzard

#Country #Horse #Animal

If you get too well-known, you can never be a comedian's comedian, it just won't sit well. But I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that label.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Comedian #Labels #Well Known

I just believe in the #‎ goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Believe #People #Just Believe

I'm a dyslexic person, so I avoid books.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Book #Dyslexic #Persons

They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Clothes

The bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of drama is to be truthful. You can be truthful and funny, but if you're not truthful in a drama than the audience leaves you.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Drama #Lines #Comedy

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Funny #Sarcastic #Sarcasm

I don't believe in God. I believe gods and devils are within us. It's our own battle. Our life's battle is to appeal to the gods within us, and to fight the devils within us.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Believe #Fighting #Battle

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).
-- Eddie Izzard

#Gun #People #Monkeys

When I was seven, I said, "I want to act." When I was 10, I realized that films exist, and I wanted to be in them. Not a comedian, I wanted to be a dramatic actor. Films just seemed such fun, and like such a great thing to do.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Fun #Comedian #Want

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Funny #Witty #Coffee

I don't subscribe to the theory that all politicians are crap. I think the 'cool people' often take that position.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Thinking #People #Politician

Never put a sock in a toaster.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Funny #Witty #Humorous

I am encyclopaedic on World War II. My dad took me to D-Day beaches when I was a kid. I was there four years ago - every five years they have a remembrance on D-Day beaches and I would have liked to have been there and done my bit.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Beach #Dad #War

You’ve got to believe you can be a standup before you can be a standup. You have to believe you can act before you can act. You have to believe you can be an astronaut before you can be an astronaut. You’ve got to believe.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Believe #Astronaut

Learning that you have stamina is an excellent thing to know. If a project fails, I know I can pick myself up.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Failing #Excellent #Projects

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!
-- Eddie Izzard

#Funny #Snowboarding #Two

If you think about determination, if people have a heart and are determined, they can get to that place. But there are a lot of negative people who were enormously determined. All the Nazis were determined. They wanted to murder everyone. Everyone with a bad heart, who doesn't care about people, I wish they hadn't started.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Determination #Heart #Thinking

Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU!
-- Eddie Izzard

#Eye #Fire #Soul

This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Coffee #Feet #Twelve

I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Strong #Coffee #Hot

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Kids #Scrabble #Nazi

I love the fact that trying is respected. The American Dream: if you try, if you build it, they will come. I love that. It's honorable.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Dream #Trying #Facts

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Comedy

In Britain we have a very powerful tabloid culture with celebrities on the front page crying with their make-up smeared and tears, and it's kind of what you'd expect from someone who likes to dress up that way.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Powerful #Tears #Dresses

And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Funny #Sex #Night

If you're a performer, people tend to be quite positive about you or they have no opinion.
-- Eddie Izzard

#People #Opinion #Performers

In the UK a lot of people don't like to try. There's a different cultural thing. Here [in USA] if you try and fail, you get up again and start again and keep going. People respect you for it. Even if you keep failing, they respect the tenacity.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Usa #People #Trying

When I watched Braveheart I was in tears and I was rooting for the Scottish people
-- Eddie Izzard

#People #Tears #Scottish

But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Marijuana #Four #Dutch

I'd like to have sex with myself.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Sex

I've wiped the file? .... I've wiped all the files? .... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem!
-- Eddie Izzard

#Internet

You say 'erbs, and we say Herbs because there's a f*****g H in it!
-- Eddie Izzard

#Sarcastic #Herbs

Little red cookbook! Little red cookbook!
-- Eddie Izzard

#Littles #Red #Cookbook

Peace, peace, peace. Peace is organized.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Organized

I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible.
-- Eddie Izzard

#People #Giving #Kick Ass

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Money #Salmon #Restaurants

The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going,Oh... I... oh... What is it Lieutenant Sebastian? It's just the Rebels, sir... they're here. My God, man! Do they want tea? No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag. Damn, that's dash cunning of them.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Stars #Men #Thinking

I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Animal #Desert #Want

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. OK, we can swing with that. But performance 'debilitating' drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the 100 metres, fair play for you. That's pretty good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Distance #Winning #Play

"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird."
-- Eddie Izzard

#Funny #Dog #Eye

Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Support #Weapons #Comedy

There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?
-- Eddie Izzard

#Growing Up #Growing

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Thinking #Trying #Stories

I don't believe that competitions are important.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Believe #Competition #Important

If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Play #Creative #Work And Play

Danger could be my middle name... But it's John.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Names #Danger #Middle

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there!
-- Eddie Izzard

#Running #Jumping #Climbing

It's not a bloody piano, it's a clarenARt...you weird talking person.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Music #Talking #Piano

I am two lesbians in a man's body.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Funny #Men #Two

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Funny #Philosophy #Two

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Funny #Kids #Scrabble

I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Funny #Latin #Done

No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?"
-- Eddie Izzard

#Funny #Makeup #Men

It's my manifest destiny to wear a skirt in all countries.
-- Eddie Izzard

#Country #Destiny #Skirts

If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!
-- Eddie Izzard

#Sarcastic #Block #Feet

When you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. 'I'm sorry, I've broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I'll pay for it. I'm sorry.' And you do that so that people in the room might go, 'What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities.'
-- Eddie Izzard

#Strong #Sex #Sorry