Funniest Simpsons Quotes:

Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost.

topic: Jobs, Half, Way, Police Academy, Weasels

- Martina Navratilova

topic: Funny, Sports, Running, Sporting Events, Inspirational Tennis

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!

Guilt, remorse. It's what separates us from the animals.

topic: Life, Hilarious, Funny Beer, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

- Arthur Mitchell

topic: Animal, Guilt, Remorse, Police Academy, Weasels

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.

source: "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Race, Easy, Tricks, Jury Duty, Funniest Simpsons

- Christopher Titus

topic: Revenge, Philosophy, Hippie, Police Academy, Weasels

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.

- Oscar Wilde

topic: Winning, Blame, Funny Simpsons, Sporting Events, Anatomy

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Art is what separates us from the animals.

topic: Home, Brain, Stuff, Old Stuff, Funniest Simpsons

- Iimani David

topic: Art, Animal, Art Is, Police Academy, Weasels

It's not whether you win or lose - but whether I win or lose.

- Sandy Lyle

topic: Sports, Motivational Sports, Winning, Sporting Events, Inspirational Tennis

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.

source: "Fictional character: Homer Simpson". TV Series "The Simpsons" ("Boy Scoutz 'n the Hood", 1993), www.imdb.com. (1989– ).

topic: Animal, Important, Funny Simpsons, Police Academy, Weasels

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson

topic: Beer, Tvs, Cold, Cold Beer, Funniest Simpsons

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

topic: Funny, Life, Trying, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!

source: "Fictional character: Homer Simpson". "The Simpsons". Season 4, Episode 1: "Kamp Krusty", www.imdb.com. September 24, 1992.

topic: Funny, Life, Humor, Animator, Funniest Simpsons

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. Homer Simpson

topic: Drink, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons, Great Simpsons

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.

topic: Men, Praying, Funny Simpsons, Cartoon Character, Funniest Simpsons

- Charles Dickens

source: A Tale of Two Cities bk. 1, ch. 1 (1859)

topic: Spring, Winter, Light, Incredulity, Great Literature

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

topic: Children, Eight, Wife, Pregnant Wife, Funniest Simpsons

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

source: "The Simpsons: Bart vs. Thanksgiving". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 1990.

topic: Numbers, Giving, Operators, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

topic: People, Might, Needs, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

Good things don't end in -eum; they end in -mania or -teria.

source: "The Simpsons: The Way We Was". TV Series, www.imdb.com. January 31, 1991.

topic: Hilarious, Needs, England, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

You can't handle the truth!

topic: Funny Simpsons, Good Things, Ends, Mania, Funniest Simpsons

- Jack Nicholson

topic: Movie, Memorable, Great Year, Memorable Movie, Lexicon

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

topic: Florida, Grandpa, Biting, Postcards, Alligators

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.

topic: Inspiration, Food, Donuts, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

topic: Girl, Sports, Wrestling, That Girl, Funniest Simpsons

- Yogi Berra

topic: Funny, Drunk, Waiting, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

topic: What If, Funny Simpsons, Week, Funniest Simpsons

- Charles Montgomery

source: "The Simpsons: Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 1990.

topic: Jail, Democracy, Would Be, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow

source: "The Simpsons/ The Old Man and the Lisa". Animation, Comedy, 1997.

topic: Funny, Friendship, Sarcastic, Opportunity Knocking, Funniest Simpsons

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

topic: Wake Up, Tomorrow, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

topic: Boys, Buttons, Nuclear Reactors, Manuals, Funniest Simpsons

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

topic: Guy, Blame, Speak, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

source: "Fictional character: Homer Simpson". "The Simpsons. Treehouse of Horror IV", www.imdb.com. 1993.

topic: Hilarious, Believe, Vampire, Make Believe, Gremlins

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces...I just know they're about to jab me with something.

topic: Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons, Great Simpsons

You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

topic: Children, Faces, Looks, Funniest Simpsons

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor!

topic: Might, Calendars, Tomorrow, Funniest Simpsons, Handy