Funny Simpsons Quotes:

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

topic: Beer, Ale, Funny Simpsons, Drinking Beer, Funniest Simpsons

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. Homer Simpson

topic: Sandwiches, Clubs, Funny Simpsons

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

topic: Men, Praying, Funny Simpsons, Cartoon Character, Funniest Simpsons

Good things don't end in -eum; they end in -mania or -teria.

topic: What If, Funny Simpsons, Week, Funniest Simpsons

If it doesn't have siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

topic: Funny Simpsons, Good Things, Ends, Mania, Funniest Simpsons

I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.

topic: Jars, Twins, Funny Simpsons

The strong must protect the sweet.

topic: Proposal, Funny Simpsons, Flat Tax

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.

topic: Sweet, Strong, Funny Simpsons

- Oscar Wilde

topic: Winning, Blame, Funny Simpsons, Sporting Events, Anatomy

Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost.

- Martina Navratilova

topic: Funny, Sports, Running, Sporting Events, Inspirational Tennis

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

topic: Inspiration, Food, Donuts, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

source: "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Race, Easy, Tricks, Jury Duty, Funniest Simpsons

- Yeardley Smith

source: "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny Valentines Day, Romantic Love, Romance, Takeovers, Funny Simpsons

I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor!

topic: Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons, Great Simpsons

Lisa: 'Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?' Homer: 'Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.'

topic: Mother, Gambling, Monsters, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.

source: "The Simpsons. Season 11. Faith Off". TV Series, 2000.

topic: Loneliness, Thinking, Environment, Funny Simpsons, Animal Life

- Christopher Titus

topic: Revenge, Philosophy, Hippie, Police Academy, Weasels

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson

Guilt, remorse. It's what separates us from the animals.

topic: Funny, Life, Trying, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

- Arthur Mitchell

topic: Animal, Guilt, Remorse, Police Academy, Weasels

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

topic: Loneliness, Dangerous, Cheeseburger, Comic Book Guy, Funny Simpsons

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.

source: "Fictional character: Homer Simpson". "The Simpsons. Treehouse of Horror IV", www.imdb.com. 1993.

topic: Hilarious, Believe, Vampire, Make Believe, Gremlins

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?

topic: Beer, Tvs, Cold, Cold Beer, Funniest Simpsons

It's not whether you win or lose - but whether I win or lose.

topic: Love, Sweet, Life Is, Funny Simpsons

- Sandy Lyle

topic: Sports, Motivational Sports, Winning, Sporting Events, Inspirational Tennis

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.

- Charles Dickens

source: A Tale of Two Cities bk. 1, ch. 1 (1859)

topic: Spring, Winter, Light, Incredulity, Great Literature

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

topic: Believe, Reading, Writing, Funny Simpsons, Paid Off

This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

topic: Winning, People, Trying, Funny Simpsons

- Charles Montgomery

source: "The Simpsons: Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 1990.

topic: Jail, Democracy, Would Be, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

topic: Wake Up, Tomorrow, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.

topic: Guy, Blame, Speak, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong! And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!

topic: Children, Believe, Future, Funny Simpsons, Future Generation

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.

topic: Mean, Laughing, Ass, Funny Simpsons, Great Simpsons

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

topic: Girl, Sports, Wrestling, That Girl, Funniest Simpsons

- Yogi Berra

topic: Funny, Drunk, Waiting, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

topic: Florida, Grandpa, Biting, Postcards, Alligators

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

topic: Kids, Hard Work, Sunday, Heretic, I Love My Kids

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

topic: Home, Brain, Stuff, Old Stuff, Funniest Simpsons

Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

source: "Fictional character: Homer Simpson". "The Simpsons". Season 4, Episode 1: "Kamp Krusty", www.imdb.com. September 24, 1992.

topic: Funny, Life, Humor, Animator, Funniest Simpsons

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

topic: Santa, Birth, Meaning Of Christmas, Funny Simpsons

If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way.

topic: People, Might, Needs, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

Art is what separates us from the animals.

topic: Jobs, Half, Way, Police Academy, Weasels

- Iimani David

topic: Art, Animal, Art Is, Police Academy, Weasels

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

source: "The Simpsons: The Way We Was". TV Series, www.imdb.com. January 31, 1991.

topic: Hilarious, Needs, England, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

topic: Fancy, Stuff, Dirt, Funny Simpsons, Great Simpsons

But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!

topic: Children, Eight, Wife, Pregnant Wife, Funniest Simpsons

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!

topic: Drink, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons, Great Simpsons

Pffft, English. Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

topic: Life, Hilarious, Funny Beer, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

topic: Needs, England, Funniest Simpsons, Funny Simpsons