Golf Jokes Quotes:

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

- Billy Graham

topic: Sports, Prayer, Golf, Inspirational Golf, Motivational Golf

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

- Hank Aaron

topic: Funny, Sports, Baseball, Humorous Golf, Motivational Golf

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

- Lee Trevino

topic: Sports, Golf, Iron, Humorous Golf, Golf Ball

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.

- John Updike

topic: Children, Dirty, Golf, Inspirational Golf, Motivational Golf

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law.

- H. G. Wells

topic: Beauty, Golf, Men, Humorous Golf, Playing Golf

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.

- William Wordsworth

topic: Sports, Retirement, Golf, Inspirational Golf, Funny Retirement

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.

- Bob Hope

topic: Golf, Play, Lightning, Cold Weather, Golf Jokes

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

- Jack Lemmon

topic: Sports, Dirty, Golf, Humorous Golf, Golf Ball

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

- Bob Hope

topic: Funny, Hope, Inspirational Sports, Humorous Golf, Golf Ball

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Retirement, Real, Golf, Funny Golf, Funny Golfing

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

- Lee Trevino

topic: Sports, Husband, Games, Humorous Golf, Funny Sports

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

- Bob Hope

topic: Funny, Hope, Golf, Humorous Golf, Golf Humor

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.

- Jack Nicklaus

topic: Sports, Golf, Winning, Humorous Golf, Great Golf

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it.

- Jimmy Demaret

topic: Sex, Golf, Enjoy, Inspirational Golf, Great Golf

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

- Jim Bishop

topic: Funny, Retirement, Native American, Inspirational Golf, Motivational Golf

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

- Mark Twain

topic: Funny, Sports, Inspiration, Golf Ball, Inspirational Golf

The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life.

- Chi Chi Rodriguez

topic: Golf, Firsts, Bottles, Drank, Golf Jokes

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

- Confucius

topic: Distance, Golf, Two, Straight Lines, Golf Jokes

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.

- George Robertson, Baron Robertson of Port Ellen

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Golf, Swings, Practice, Humorous Golf, Great Golf

The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.

- John Updike

topic: Golf, Swings, Trying, Great Golf, Golf Jokes

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.

- Brian Weiss

topic: Golf, Long, Tree, Humorous Golf, Golf Ball

Playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture.

- Winston Churchill

source: Winston Churchill (1987). “The Irrepressible Churchill: Stories, Sayings and Impressions of Sir Winston Churchill”, London : Robson Books

topic: Golf, Pills, Cows, Good Golf, Funny Golfing

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands; how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

- Tom Mulligan

topic: Golf, Hands, Two, Many Hands, Golf Jokes

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

- Henry Beard

topic: Golf, Nonchalant, Golf Jokes

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.

- Bruce Lansky

source: Bruce Lansky (2011). “Golf, It's Just a Game: The Best Quotes & Cartoons About Golf”, p.81, Simon and Schuster

topic: Golf, Talking, Balls, Golf Ball, Great Golf

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

- Bob Hope

topic: Sports, Golf, Player, Professional Sports, Funny Golf

Swing hard in case you hit it.

- Dan Marino

topic: Golf, Swings, Cases, Humorous Golf, Baseball Games

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

- Kevin Costner

topic: Sex, Golf, Two, Humorous Golf, Good Sex

In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base.

- Ken Harrelson

topic: Leadership, Baseball, Running, Nobody Cares, Left Field

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.

- Ben Hogan

topic: Golf, Air, Games, Humorous Golf, Great Golf

They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it.

- Tommy Bolt

topic: Distance, Golf, Clubs, Good Golf, Golf Jokes

The most important shot in golf is the next one.

- Ben Hogan

topic: Golf, Important, Next, Golf Ball, The Next One

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.

- Chi Chi Rodriguez

topic: Golf, Three, Fear Of Death, Humorous Golf, Great Golf

One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good.

- George Archer

topic: Golf, Play, Great Golf, Good Golf, Golf Jokes

I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right.

- Ben Crenshaw

topic: Distance, Golf, Ears, Funny Golf, Golf Jokes

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

- Henny Youngman

source: "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Golf, Two, Balls, Humorous Golf, Golf Ball

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

- Gerald R. Ford

topic: Funny, Sports, Golf, Humorous Golf, Inspirational Golf

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

- Bob Hope

topic: Hope, Golf, Games, Funny Golf, Golf Jokes

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.

- Harry Vardon

topic: Funny, Golf, Play, Inspirational Golf, Funny Retirement

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.

- Sam Snead

topic: Sports, Golf, Knives, Humorous Golf, Inspirational Golf

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

- Chi Chi Rodriguez

topic: Golf, Bags, Woods, Great Golf, Funny Golfing

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.

- Pete Dye

topic: Funny, Golf, Play, Inspirational Golf, Playing Golf

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

- Dean Martin

source: "Famous drinkers" by Rob Parker, www.theguardian.com. April 18, 2004.

topic: Drinking, Book, Beer, Funny Sarcastic, Inspirational Golf

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

- Henry Beard

topic: Golf, Two, Water, Golfing, Golf Jokes

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.

- Robert Wilson Lynd

topic: Sports, Golf, World, Inspirational Golf, Motivational Golf

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated than that.

- Gardner Dickinson

topic: Believe, Golf, Complicated, Humorous Golf, Inspirational Golf

I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.

- Gerald R. Ford

topic: Golf, Eagles, Games, Golf Ball, Elk

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

- Sam Snead

topic: Golf, Shadow, Balls, Humorous Golf, Golf Ball

Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.

- Lee Trevino

topic: Golf, World, Columbus, Great Golf, Funny Golfing

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

- Chi Chi Rodriguez

topic: Golf, Years, Play, Humorous Golf, Golf Ball