David Letterman quotes

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.
-- David Letterman

#Two #Film #Should

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.
-- David Letterman

#Sex #New York #Differences

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.
-- David Letterman

#Fighting #Guy #Black

I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little.
-- David Letterman

#Thinking #Laughing #People

I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.
-- David Letterman

#Believe #Government #Oil

Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.
-- David Letterman

#Kids #Thinking #People

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
-- David Letterman

#Book #Trying #President

I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.
-- David Letterman

#Talent #Social #Values

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.
-- David Letterman

#Leader #Minorities #Want

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.
-- David Letterman

#Prison #Be Good #Shipwreck

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
-- David Letterman

#Believe #Ideas #Believe In Me

It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.
-- David Letterman

#Jerk #Disappointing #Admire

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.
-- David Letterman

#Health #Clothes #Gentleman

Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.
-- David Letterman

#Dark #Night #Drunk

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
-- David Letterman

#Country #Native American #Numbers

I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.
-- David Letterman

#Jobs #Fun #Beer

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
-- David Letterman

#Motivational #Reality #Focus

One of the remarkable things about being 19 is that you can break open a case of warm beer at midnight and still be wide-eyed and alert for your eight-a.m. class. And that gave me the false impression that my life would always be like that.
-- David Letterman

#Beer #Eight #Class

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
-- David Letterman

#Change #Trying #Unconscious

About half an hour before air time - that's when I become hyper. I put everything else out of my mind and just let that nervous energy surge through my body. I start talking faster and louder. My confidence comes up. It's actually a great feeling.
-- David Letterman

#Air #Talking #Feelings

Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.
-- David Letterman

#Party #Guy #Steps

I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole.
-- David Letterman

#Mind #Comedian #Arrogant

Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I'm telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.
-- David Letterman

#Evil #Ceo #Mastermind

Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.
-- David Letterman

#Borders #Pakistan #Ceo

I'd do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it's too cold.
-- David Letterman

#Guy #Cold #Shorts

There is no off position on the genius switch.
-- David Letterman

#Genius #Comedy #Position

Chi-Os were ideal partners for all occasions. They were discrete, desirable, tactful, polite, and fun... Every mom dreamed of her son coming home with a Chi Omega, a woman's woman.
-- David Letterman

#Mom #Fun #Home

The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
-- David Letterman

#4th Of July #Two #Alcohol

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
-- David Letterman

#Inspirational #Country #Witty

Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.
-- David Letterman

#Writing #Two #Needs

Them bats is smart. They use radar!
-- David Letterman

#Smart #Bats #Use

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
-- David Letterman

#Spring #Fall #Daylight

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
-- David Letterman

#Funny #Dance #Witty

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
-- David Letterman

#Funny #Sarcastic #Iraq

Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.
-- David Letterman

#Pie #Moments #Admire

When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense.
-- David Letterman

#Drinking #Thinking #Nuts

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
-- David Letterman

#Valentine #Together #Saving

Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one.
-- David Letterman

#Running #President #May

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'
-- David Letterman

#Mom #Drinking #Funny Thanksgiving

Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.
-- David Letterman

#Stars #Beer #Symphony

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
-- David Letterman

#Funny #Sarcastic #Purpose

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
-- David Letterman

#Courage #Real #Believe

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
-- David Letterman

#Business #Shows #Accounting

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
-- David Letterman

#Inspirational #Two #People

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
-- David Letterman

#Change #Fun #Fall

If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.
-- David Letterman

#Coffee #Personality