Funny Life quotes
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He has a heart of gold - only harder.
-- Adolphe Menjou -
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
-- Alfred Hitchcock -
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
-- Andy Borowitz -
Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
-- Andy Borowitz -
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It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.
-- Andy Rooney -
I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
-- Andy Rooney -
What fills us is real, sweet, dopey, funny life.
-- Anne Lamott -
If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonja or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about anything.
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger -
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When asked "If you could meet any famous person living or dead," I always ask whether the dead person would be alive again when I meet them.
-- Ashish Chauhan -
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
-- Bill Cosby -
Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.
-- Bill Watterson -
Every time I get something under control in my own life, the world provides more material.
-- Cathy Guisewite -
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I'm more financially successful, but it just means the shopping blunders I make are bigger now.
-- Cathy Guisewite -
Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.
-- Charles M. Schulz -
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.
-- Charles M. Schulz -
For most men, life is a search for the proper Manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.
-- Clifton Fadiman -
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If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.
-- Edgar Allan Poe -
You'll be richer in the end than a prince, if you're a friend.
-- Edgar Guest -
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
-- Erma Bombeck -
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
-- Erma Bombeck -
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Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are incompetents in asylums, and those in cemeteries.
-- Everett Dirksen -
The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.
-- Frank Zappa -
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
-- Fred Allen -
it's a funny life. Either you don't make a red cent and you have all the time in the world, or else you get double the money and you don't have a moment to spend a penny of it.
-- Gabrielle Roy -
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The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
-- George Carlin -
Life is a near-death experience.
-- George Carlin -
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
-- Groucho Marx -
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
-- Groucho Marx -
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An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.
-- Herbert Samuel, 1st Viscount Samuel -
Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.
-- Hunter S. Thompson -
I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.
-- Hunter S. Thompson -
You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.
-- Hunter S. Thompson -
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Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
-- Jerry Seinfeld -
If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.
-- Jim Steinman -
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
-- Mark Twain -
It was almost funny. Life seemed downright accidental in its brevity, and death a punch line to a lousy joke.
-- Maureen Johnson -
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Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once.
-- Norman Vincent Peale -
Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.
-- Peter De Vries -
Just remember that a pat on the back is only 18 inches from a kick in the behind.
-- Rex W. Tillerson -
So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!
-- Russell Conwell -
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
-- Steven Wright -
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
-- Steven Wright -
I try not to worry about the future - so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.
-- Tom Wilson -
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
-- Tracey Ullman -
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I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.
-- Whoopi Goldberg -
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
-- Woody Allen -
I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't.
-- Woody Allen -
Life isn't a cabaret. It's a dive bar.
-- Woody Paige -
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Adventure is nothing but a romantic name for trouble.
-- Louis L'Amour -
I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life.
-- Screamin' Jay Hawkins -
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
-- Sean O'Casey -
Life's more amusing than we thought.
-- Andrew Lang -
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I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
-- Ron White
