Funny Fathers Day Quotes:

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

- Dave Barry

source: Twitter post from Jun 21, 2009

topic: Dad, Naps, Funny Fathers Day

A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society.

- Billy Graham

topic: Inspirational, Father, Our Society, Inspirational Father, Our Father

A father carries pictures where his money used to be.

- Steve Martin

topic: Fathers Day, Baby, Dad, Father Died, Inspirational Father

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

- Rodney Dangerfield

source: "R.I.P. Rodney Dangerfield", www.indiewire.com. October 6, 2004.

topic: Happy, Fathers Day, Dad, Kidnapped, Funny Father

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

- Rodney Dangerfield

topic: Funny, Dad, Father, Funny Dad, Funny Father

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

- Jim Gaffigan

source: FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from May 09, 2012

topic: Fathers Day, Song, Dad, Being A Father, Funny Dad

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

- Theodore Hesburgh

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Happy Family, Marriage Advice

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

- Bill Cosby

topic: Funny, Fathers Day, Dad, Father Died, Inspirational Father

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.

- Jim Valvano

topic: Basketball, Fathers Day, Dad, Father Died, Inspirational Father

I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection.

- Sigmund Freud

topic: Daughter, Fathers Day, Strong, Joys Of Childhood, Inspirational Father

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

- Mark Twain

topic: Love, Funny, Motivational, Live And Learn, Inspirational Family Love

When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you',

- Jerry Lewis

topic: Fathers Day, Zoos, Kids, Being A Father, Dad Love

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

- Ray Romano

topic: Children, Sleep, Parenting, Having Kids, Being A Parent

To a father growing old nothing is dearer than a daughter.

- Euripides

topic: Mother Daughter, Fathers Day, Dad, Mom And Daughter, Inspirational Father

You know, fathers just have a way of putting everything together.

- Erika Cosby

topic: Family, Father, Together, Inspirational Father, Great Father

To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.

- Ernest Hemingway

topic: Funny, Fathers Day, Kids, Great Father, Dad Love

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Mom, Children, Mean, Inspirational Father, Mother's Day

A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.

- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

topic: Fathers Day, Dad, Men, Inspirational Father, Daughter To Father

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

- William Shakespeare

topic: Family, Wise, Meaningful, Inspirational Father, Merchant Of Venice

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

- Jon Stewart

topic: Fathers Day, Dad, Fatherhood, Funny Dad, Being A Dad

The greatest gift I ever had Came from God; I call him Dad!

- John Walter Bratton

topic: Dad, Daddy, Father Died, Inspirational Father, My Dad Died

To her, the name of father was another name for love.

- Fanny Fern

topic: Dad, Father, Names, Inspirational Father, Great Father

It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.

- Pope John XXIII

topic: Fathers Day, Children, Dad, Inspirational Father, Being A Father

It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.

- Anne Sexton

source: "A Small Journal" by Anne Sexton, 1974.

topic: Death, Daughter, Fathers Day, Loss Of A Parent, Father Died

One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.

- George Herbert

topic: Relationship, Daughter, Fathers Day, Inspirational Father, Great Father

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

- Bob Monkhouse

topic: Father, Used, Volvo, Funny Dad, Funny Father

The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.

- Timothy J. Russert

topic: Fathers Day, Father, Great Father, Dad Love, Funny Dad

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

- Spike Milligan

topic: Funny, Fathers Day, Dad, Funny Dad, Being A Dad

It is not flesh and blood, but heart which makes us fathers and sons.

- Friedrich Schiller

topic: Family, Thank You, Fathers Day, Happy Family, Inspirational Father

If your dad is anything like mine, then you have no clue what to buy him for Father's Day. The only Father's Day tradition in my family is the annual conversation he and I have where I say, 'Hey, Dad, what do you want for Father's Day this year?' and he says, 'Nothing.' Then I ask my mom what I should get him and she says, 'He likes sandalwood soap, dangly jewelry and Chanel No. 5 perfume.'

- Michael Showalter

topic: Mom, Fathers Day, Dad, Funny Father, Funny Fathers Day

My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.

- Clarence Budington Kelland

topic: Fathers Day, Dad, Loss, Sons Love, Father Died

Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father.

- Lydia M. Child

topic: Family, Fathers Day, Dad, Inspirational Father, Great Father

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

- Bill Cosby

topic: Fathers Day, Dad, Comfort, Great Father, Dad Love

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

- Spike Milligan

topic: Fathers Day, Jesus, Confused, Funny Fathers Day

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

- Robert Orben

topic: Family, Fathers Day, Mother, Inspirational Father, Credit Card

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again.

- Enid Bagnold

topic: Daughter, Fathers Day, Baby, Mom And Daughter, Father Died

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

- Jerry Seinfeld

topic: Funny, Family, Children, Inspirational Family Love, Vocabulary Words

It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't.

- Barbara Kingsolver

topic: Mom, Daughter, Mother, Inspiring Motherhood, Mother's Day

Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

- David Letterman

topic: Father, Alcohol, Tools, Power Tools, Funny Fathers Day

My daughter got me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. So we know she's sarcastic.

- Bob Odenkirk

topic: Sarcastic, Daughter, Dad, Funny Dad, Funny Father

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

- Jerry Seinfeld

topic: Father, Years, Style, Funny Dad, Clothing Style

I have always had the feeling I could do anything and my dad told me I could. I was in college before I found out he might be wrong.

- Ann Richards

topic: Fathers Day, Dad, College, Funny Fathers Day

The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.

- Confucius

topic: Fathers Day, Son, Doe, Sons Love, Inspirational Father

Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes.

- Gloria Naylor

source: Gloria Naylor (2017). “Mama Day: A Novel”, p.185, Open Road Media

topic: Daughter, Fathers Day, Dad, Father Died, Inspirational Father

Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.

- Jimmy Piersall

topic: Baseball, Baby, Rain, Cute Fathers Day, Funny Fathers Day

Fathers, like mothers, are not born. Men grow into fathers and fathering is a very important stage in their development.

- David Gottesman

topic: Mother, Daughter, Father, Inspirational Father, Like A Mother

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say Yeah? When?

- Bill Hicks

topic: Funny, Dad, Kids, Funny Dad, Funny Father

A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

- Helen Rowland

source: Helen Rowland (1909). “Reflections of a Bachelor Girl”

topic: Fathers Day, Dad, Son, Inspirational Father, Father And Son

The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

- Harry S. Truman

topic: Funny, Leadership, Witty, Kid At Heart, Inspirational Parenting

The father is always a Republican toward his son, and his mother's always a Democrat.

- Robert Frost

topic: Family, Mom, Fathers Day, Mother Son, Sons Love