Funny And Witty Quotes:
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
topic: Funny, Cute, Sarcastic, Old Jokes, Dark Sarcasm
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
topic: Funny, Depression, Witty, Insane World, Insanity And Sanity
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com. 
topic: Funny, Happiness, Hilarious, Spiritual Happiness, Insults You
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Death, Countrymen, Misery And Suffering
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
topic: Funny, Life, Clever, Being Sarcastic, Dark Sarcasm
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
topic: Funny, Sarcastic, Witty, Funny Sarcastic, Dark Sarcasm
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
topic: Funny, Clever, Hipster, Mimicry, Very Clever
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
topic: Inspirational, Life, Motivational, Way In Life, Time To Move On
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
topic: Funny, Hilarious, Education, Not Stupid, Infinite Intelligence
topic: Funny, Hilarious, Laughter, Marriage Humor, Marriage Jokes
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
source: John F. Kennedy, Dominique Enright (2003). “The Wicked Wit of John F. Kennedy”, Michael O'Mara Books
topic: Funny, Forgiveness, Witty, Never Forgive, Inspirational Forgiveness
I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
source: "Death: A Comedy in One Act". Book by Woody Allen, 1975.
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Afraid Of Death, Meaningful Death
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
source: "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.
topic: Funny, Friendship, Education, Joy Of Reading, Inspirational Dog
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
topic: Funny, Life, Death, Humor Love, Dark Sarcasm
Two wrongs don't make a right.
source: Roald Dahl (2016). “The GFG: The Guid Freendly Giant: The BFG in Scots”, p.145, Black & White Publishing
topic: Revenge, Humorous, Math, Making Excuses, Wise Proverbs
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
source: Laurence J. Peter (1979). “Peter's people”, W. Morrow
topic: Funny, Witty, Revenge, Murphys Law, Making Excuses
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Laughter, Funny Sarcastic, Intelligent Life
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
source: "Book of Humorous Quotations" edited by Connie Robertson, (p. 83), 1998.
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Marriage, Husband Wife, Marriage Humor
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
topic: Life, Happy Birthday, Happiness, Humorous Birthday, Mature And Immature
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
source: Twitter post from Oct 30, 2009
topic: Funny, Life, Wise, Silliness, Witty One Liners
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
topic: Success, Funny Inspirational, Failure, Photographic Memory, Murphys Law
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.
topic: Inspirational, Witty, Way, Clever And Witty, Funny And Witty
source: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy "Fit the Fifth" (radio program) (1978)
topic: Funny, God, Crazy, Very Witty, Funny And Witty
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
topic: Happy Birthday, Funny Inspirational, Humorous, Humorous Birthday, Birthday Cake
If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.
topic: Philosophy, Racing, Firsts, Drag Racing, Funny And Witty
Tough times never last, but tough people do.
source: Robert H. Schuller (1993). “Robert H Schuller: The Inspirational Writings : Tough Times Never Last, But Tough People Do/Tough Minded Faith for Tender Hearted People”, Bbs Publishing Corporation
topic: Motivational, Positive, Funny Inspirational, Daily Work, Just Stay Strong
The problems that exist in this world can not be solved by the level of thinking that created them.
topic: Inspiring, Leadership, Education, Solved Problems, Clever And Witty
topic: Jobs, Thinking, New Job, Status Updates, Funny Bumper Sticker
Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
source: Quoted in Nancy McPhee, The Second Book of Insults (1981)
topic: Forgiveness, Clever, Names, Never Forgive, Inspirational Forgiveness
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up
topic: Running, Clever, Spine, Life Humor, Classic Insult
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
topic: Funny, World, Hell, Heaven And Hell, Funny And Witty
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
topic: Time, Food, Bird, Early Bird, Swiss Cheese
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
topic: Time, Arrows, Fruit, Milestone Birthday, Infinite Time
Between funny and witty Falls the shadow
source: Stephen Fry (2012). “The Fry Chronicles: An Autobiography”, p.120, The Overlook Press
topic: Witty, Fall, Shadow, Funny And Witty
source: "Q&A – The Eclipse’s Ciaran Hinds Talks Ghosts, Goats, and Grief". AMC Interview, www.amc.com. March 2010.
topic: Witty, Character, Humanity, Funny And Witty
source: Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.
topic: Mother, Witty, Lonely, Funny And Witty