Funny Clever Quotes:

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

- Maya Angelou

source: FaceBook post by Maya Angelou from Mar 15, 2014

topic: Inspirational, Motivational, Positive, Way In Life, Make Me Feel Better

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

- Steven Wright

topic: Time, Food, Bird, Early Bird, Swiss Cheese

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

- Groucho Marx

topic: Funny, Cute, Sarcastic, Old Jokes, Dark Sarcasm

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

- Oscar Wilde

topic: Funny, Clever, Hipster, Mimicry, Very Clever

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

- Mark Twain

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Motivational, Humorous Birthday, Staying Young

Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.

- Will Rogers

topic: Inspirational, Life, Positive, Frugality, Life Philosophy

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

- Woody Allen

source: "Death: A Comedy in One Act". Book by Woody Allen, 1975.

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Afraid Of Death, Meaningful Death

When the Liberals said they were going to create a million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

- Harry S. Truman

topic: Jobs, Thinking, New Job, Status Updates, Funny Bumper Sticker

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

- Cathy Guisewite

topic: Eye, Giving, Life Gives You Lemons, Lemons, Funny Clever

Tough times never last, but tough people do.

- Robert H. Schuller

source: Robert H. Schuller (1993). “Robert H Schuller: The Inspirational Writings : Tough Times Never Last, But Tough People Do/Tough Minded Faith for Tender Hearted People”, Bbs Publishing Corporation

topic: Motivational, Positive, Funny Inspirational, Daily Work, Just Stay Strong

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

- Laurence J. Peter

source: Laurence J. Peter (1979). “Peter's people”, W. Morrow

topic: Funny, Witty, Revenge, Murphys Law, Making Excuses

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

- Benjamin Franklin

topic: Love, Inspirational, Funny, Ale, Lager

The problems that exist in this world can not be solved by the level of thinking that created them.

- Albert Einstein

topic: Inspiring, Leadership, Education, Solved Problems, Clever And Witty

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

- Lana Turner

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Laughter, Marriage Humor, Marriage Jokes

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up

- Paul Keating

topic: Running, Clever, Spine, Life Humor, Classic Insult

Nixon's motto was, if two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

- Norman Cousins

source: 1979 In the Daily Telegraph, 17 Jul.

topic: Math, Two, Personality, Clever And Witty, Funny Clever

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

- Mark Twain

topic: Funny, Life, Death, Humor Love, Dark Sarcasm

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

- Jack Benny

topic: Mind, Age, Matter, Humorous Birthday, Staying Young

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

- Bill Cosby

topic: Funny, Mom, Children, Having Kids, Vowels

Two wrongs don't make a right.

- Roald Dahl

source: Roald Dahl (2016). “The GFG: The Guid Freendly Giant: The BFG in Scots”, p.145, Black & White Publishing

topic: Revenge, Humorous, Math, Making Excuses, Wise Proverbs

The second mouse gets the cheese!

- Terry Pratchett

topic: Funny, Witty, Iron, Early Bird, Swiss Cheese

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

- Bill Cosby

source: Twitter post from Oct 30, 2009

topic: Funny, Life, Wise, Silliness, Witty One Liners

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

- Albert Einstein

topic: Funny, Girl, Witty, Math Is Like, Nice Girl

If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.

- Harry S. Truman

source: "The Wit & Wisdom of Harry Truman".

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Dog, Cat And Dog, Dog Best Friend

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

- Mitch Hedberg

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Witty, Wordplay, Being Smart

My fans are so funny, they make me laugh so much. I've got some really, really, funny, clever fans.

- Ellie Goulding

topic: Clever, Laughing, Fans, Funny Clever

Novels are not about expressing yourself, they're about something beautiful, funny, clever and organic. Self-expression ? Go and ring a bell in a yard if you want to express yourself.

- Zadie Smith

source: "White knuckle ride". Interview with Simon Hattenstone, www.theguardian.com. December 11, 2000.

topic: Beautiful, Clever, Self, Something Beautiful, Funny Clever

Humor is important. If you're going to tell any sort of realistic story, you're going to have to have humor in it, because people are funny. Clever people especially.

- Patrick Rothfuss

topic: Clever, People, Important, Funny Clever