Retirement Humor Quotes:

Preparation for old age should begin not later than one's teens. A life which is empty of purpose until 65 will not suddenly become filled on retirement.

- Dwight L. Moody

topic: Death, Retirement, Prayer, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

- Will Rogers

topic: Funny, Life, Wisdom, Managing Time, Time Spent

There's an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.

- Peter Drucker

topic: Retirement, Jobs, Business, Funny Retirement, Funny Boss

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

- Joan Rivers

topic: Fun, Aging, Getting Old, Funny Retirement, Middle Ages

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

- Doug Larson

topic: Stress, Fishing, People, Hunting And Fishing, Stress And Life

Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.

- Malcolm Muggeridge

topic: Retirement, Age, Able, Funny Retirement, Retirement Farewell

When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you.

- Gene Perret

topic: Retirement, Boss, Age, Funny Retirement, Retirement Card

In retirement, only money and symptoms are consequential.

- Mason Cooley

topic: Teacher, Retirement, Teaching, Funny Retirement, Retirement Farewell

At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all.

- Ann Landers

topic: Thinking, Worry, Age, Turning 40, Growing Old

I think retirement beats the heck out of life after death, that's for sure.

- Martina Navratilova

topic: Retirement, Thinking, Life After Death, Retirement Humor

Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it, too.

- Charles Baxter

topic: Teacher, Retirement, Work, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

God has a plan for your retirement.

- Billy Graham

topic: Retirement, God Has A Plan, Plans, Funny Retirement, Retirement Humor

When I retire I'm going to spend my evenings by the fireplace going through those boxes. There are things in there that ought to be burned.

- Richard M. Nixon

topic: Retirement, Evening, Boxes, Fireplaces, Funny Retirement

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

- Alexander Graham Bell

topic: Love, Inspirational, Life, Life Wisdom, Job Opportunities

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

- Lucille Ball

topic: Happy Birthday, Beauty, Funny Inspirational, Humorous Birthday, Staying Young

Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made.

- William Shakespeare

source: 'Julius Caesar' (1599) act 5, sc. 1, l. 118

topic: Retirement, Farewell, Forever, Cassius, Parting

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

- Charles Lamb

topic: Funny, Hilarious, Witty, Funny Retirement, Office Hours

In this country men seem to live for action as long as they can and sink into apathy when they retire.

- Charles Francis Adams, Sr.

source: Diary entry, April 15, 1836.

topic: Country, Retirement, Long, Funny Retirement, Retirement Homes

The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.

- George Foreman

topic: Sports, Age, Income, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A man can't retire his experience. He must use it. Experience achieves more with less energy and time.

- Bernard Baruch

topic: Teacher, Retirement, Numbers, Ciphers, Inspirational Retirement

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

- Dean Martin

source: "Famous drinkers" by Rob Parker, www.theguardian.com. April 18, 2004.

topic: Drinking, Book, Beer, Funny Sarcastic, Inspirational Golf

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.

- Ella Harris

topic: Jobs, Husband, Wife, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

- Germaine Greer

topic: Life, Happy Birthday, Happiness, Humorous Birthday, Mature And Immature

I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day.

- Gene Perret

topic: Success, Retirement, Age, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf.

- Gene Perret

topic: Inspirational, Retirement, Stress, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

- Abe Lemons

topic: Retirement, Days Off, Trouble, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

When some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to be able to tell the difference.

- Virginia Graham

topic: Differences, People, Age, Retirement Farewell, Retirement Humor

Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.

- Jonathan Clements

topic: Running, Retirement, Vacation, Inspirational Retirement, Long Vacation

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

- George Burns

topic: Funny, Witty, Teacher, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball.

- Gene Perret

topic: Teacher, Retirement, Golf, Funny Retirement, Motivational Swimming

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

- George Burns

topic: Hilarious, Retirement, Ties, Stoops, Funny Retirement

Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.

- Gene Perret

topic: Teacher, Retirement, Nice, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income.

- Gene Perret

topic: Teacher, Retirement, Income, Funny Retirement, Retirement Humor

The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender.

- Vince Lombardi

topic: Inspirational, Motivational, Basketball, Favorite Sports, Inspirational Commitment

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

- Laurence J. Peter

topic: Retirement, Fun, Age, Retirement Age, Retirement Card

Retired is being tired twice, I've thought, first tired of working, then tired of not.

- Richard Armour

topic: Teacher, Retirement, Tired, Funny Retirement, Retired Teacher

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

- Groucho Marx

source: "Fictional character: Captain Jeffrey Spaulding". "Animal Crackers", August 20, 1930.

topic: Retirement, Work, Age, Retired Teacher, Retirement Farewell

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.

- Chi Chi Rodriguez

topic: Husband, Men, Wife, Inspirational Retirement, Retired Teacher

A man can't retire his experience.

- Bernard Baruch

topic: Men, Experience, Retiring, Ciphers, Inspirational Retirement

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left

- George Burns

topic: Aging, Retiring, Shows, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Retirement

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.

- R. C. Sherriff

topic: Men, Age, Matter, Inspirational Retirement, Retirement Card

As in all successful ventures, the foundation of a good retirement is planning.

- Earl Nightingale

topic: Inspirational, Retirement, Successful, Inspirational Retirement, Retirement Humor