Thanksgiving Jokes Quotes:

Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".

- Jay Leno

topic: Thanksgiving, Fun, Long, Christian Thanksgiving, Friends Thanksgiving

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

- Erma Bombeck

topic: Food, Mean, Talking, Wishbones, Inspirational Thanksgiving

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

- Jon Stewart

topic: Funny, Thanksgiving, Land, Inspirational Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Day

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

- Johnny Carson

topic: Thanksgiving, Holiday, Emotional, Day After Thanksgiving, Funny Thanksgiving Day

May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!

- Grandpa Jones

topic: Thanksgiving, Pie, Yams, Thanksgiving Day, Funny Thanksgiving Day

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

- Craig Ferguson

topic: Funny, Thanksgiving, Football, Family Thanksgiving, Funny Happy Thanksgiving

You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.

- Dylan Brody

topic: Wise, Native American, Funny Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Day, Family Thanksgiving

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'

- Mitch Hedberg

topic: Thanksgiving, Being Yourself, Fun, Grocery Stores, Pastrami

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.

- Kevin James

source: Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

topic: Thanksgiving, Good Day, Men, Day After Thanksgiving, Funny Thanksgiving Day

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

- Rita Rudner

topic: Mother, House, Sorrow, Funny Thanksgiving Day, Funny Mothers Day

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

- Erma Bombeck

topic: Thanksgiving, Sports, Food, Inspirational Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Day

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Thanksgiving, Fun, Kids, Inspirational Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Day

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.

- Irv Kupcinet

topic: Thanksgiving Day, Optimist, Persons, Optimism And Pessimism, Optimism In Life

I love Thanksgiving turkey... It's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger

topic: Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Los Angeles, Thanksgiving Day, Funny Thanksgiving Day

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing

- George Carlin

topic: Thanksgiving, Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Funny Thanksgiving Day, Christian Thanksgiving

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

- Jay Leno

topic: Funny Thanksgiving, Too Much, Thanksgiving Card, Thanksgiving Jokes, Thanksgiving Thank You

I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.

- Howie Mandel

source: "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Thanksgiving, Funny Thanksgiving, Canada, Funny Thanksgiving Day, Thanksgiving Funny

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'

- David Letterman

topic: Mom, Drinking, Funny Thanksgiving, Kitties, Thanksgiving Day

I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.

- Todd Barry

topic: Thanksgiving, Funny Thanksgiving, Fingers, Five Fingers, Roast Chicken

But see, in our open clearings, how golden the melons lie; Enrich them with sweets and spices, and give us the pumpkin-pie!

- Margaret Junkin Preston

source: Margaret Junkin Preston (1887). “Colonial Ballads, Sonnets, and Other Verse”

topic: Sweet, Lying, Pie, Christian Thanksgiving, Melons

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Three, Beaks, Funny Thanksgiving Day

It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.

- Russell Baker

topic: Grandmother, Funny Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Funny Thanksgiving Day, Funny Happy Thanksgiving

Coexistence: what the farmer does with the turkey - until Thanksgiving.

- Mike Connolly

topic: Turkeys, Doe, Funny Thanksgiving Day, Peaceful Coexistence, Christian Thanksgiving

Best of all is it to preserve everything in a pure, still heart, and let there be for every pulse a thanksgiving, and for every breath a song.

- Conrad Gessner

topic: Thank You, Song, Heart, Funny Thanksgiving Day, Christian Thanksgiving

It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful 'in general.' It's very strange. It's a little like being married in general.

- Cornelius Plantinga

source: Cornelius Plantinga (2001). “Beyond Doubt: Faith-Building Devotions on Questions Christians Ask”, p.52, Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing

topic: Christian, Funny Thanksgiving, Being Thankful, Funny Thanksgiving Day, Christian Thanksgiving

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving.

- W. T. Purkiser

topic: Thanksgiving, Blessing, Use, Being Blessed, I Am Thankful