Groucho Marx quotes
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I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
-- Groucho Marx -
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
-- Groucho Marx -
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
-- Groucho Marx -
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
-- Groucho Marx -
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A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
-- Groucho Marx -
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-- Groucho Marx -
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
-- Groucho Marx -
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
-- Groucho Marx -
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I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
-- Groucho Marx -
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
-- Groucho Marx -
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
-- Groucho Marx -
Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
-- Groucho Marx -
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
-- Groucho Marx -
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa
-- Groucho Marx -
Go, and never darken my towels again
-- Groucho Marx -
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
-- Groucho Marx -
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I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
-- Groucho Marx -
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
-- Groucho Marx -
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
-- Groucho Marx -
When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.
-- Groucho Marx -
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There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
-- Groucho Marx -
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
-- Groucho Marx -
In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.
-- Groucho Marx -
Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.
-- Groucho Marx -
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Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
-- Groucho Marx -
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
-- Groucho Marx -
Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.
-- Groucho Marx -
If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.
-- Groucho Marx -
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My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
-- Groucho Marx -
If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.
-- Groucho Marx -
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.
-- Groucho Marx -
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
-- Groucho Marx -
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I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
-- Groucho Marx -
One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!
-- Groucho Marx -
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
-- Groucho Marx -
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
-- Groucho Marx -
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I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
-- Groucho Marx -
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
-- Groucho Marx -
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication
-- Groucho Marx -
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
-- Groucho Marx -
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Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
-- Groucho Marx -
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
-- Groucho Marx -
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
-- Groucho Marx -
Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.
-- Groucho Marx -
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Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
-- Groucho Marx -
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
-- Groucho Marx -
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
-- Groucho Marx -
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
-- Groucho Marx -
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Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
-- Groucho Marx -
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
-- Groucho Marx -
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
-- Groucho Marx -
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
-- Groucho Marx -
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Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
-- Groucho Marx -
The only real laughter comes from despair.
-- Groucho Marx -
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
-- Groucho Marx -
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'
-- Groucho Marx -
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I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.
-- Groucho Marx -
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
-- Groucho Marx -
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
-- Groucho Marx -
Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket
-- Groucho Marx -
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
-- Groucho Marx -
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
-- Groucho Marx -
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
-- Groucho Marx -
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
-- Groucho Marx -
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A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
-- Groucho Marx -
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
-- Groucho Marx -
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
-- Groucho Marx -
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
-- Groucho Marx -
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx -
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
-- Groucho Marx -
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
-- Groucho Marx -
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.
-- Groucho Marx -
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
-- Groucho Marx -
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx -
Room service? Send up a larger room.
-- Groucho Marx -
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
-- Groucho Marx -
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I shall drink no #‎ wine before it's time! OK, it's time.
-- Groucho Marx -
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
-- Groucho Marx -
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
-- Groucho Marx -
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
-- Groucho Marx -
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Thirteen at a table is unlucky only, when the hostess has only twelve chops.
-- Groucho Marx -
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
-- Groucho Marx -
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx -
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
-- Groucho Marx -
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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
-- Groucho Marx -
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
-- Groucho Marx -
Time wounds all heels.
-- Groucho Marx -
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
-- Groucho Marx -
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Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
-- Groucho Marx -
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
-- Groucho Marx -
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx -
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx -
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-- Groucho Marx -
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
-- Groucho Marx -
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx -
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
-- Groucho Marx -
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It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.
-- Groucho Marx -
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
-- Groucho Marx -
Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.
-- Groucho Marx -
I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
-- Groucho Marx -
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