Funny Christmas Card Quotes:

Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren't for Christmas We'd all be Jewish.

- Benny Hill

topic: Christmas, Rose, Violet, Merry Christmas Cards, Funny Christmas

Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?

- Tom Armstrong

topic: Christmas, Cities, Guy, Humorous Christmas, Funny Christmas

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.

- Bill Vaughan

topic: Inspirational, Family, Happy, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

- W. C. Fields

topic: Christmas, Drinking, House, Humorous Christmas, Funny Christmas

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

- P. J. O'Rourke

source: P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.136, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

topic: Funny, Christmas, Money, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts.

- Max Lucado

topic: Christmas, Shepherds, Groups, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Gift

A Christmas gambol oft could cheer The poor man's heart through half the year.

- Walter Scott

topic: Christmas, Cheer, Heart, Ale, Inspirational Holiday

The earth has grown old with its burden of care, but at Christmas it always is young, the heart of the jewel burns lustrous and fair, and its soul full of music breaks the air, when the song of angels is sung.

- Phillips Brooks

topic: Christmas, Song, Angel, Meaningful Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

Whatever else be lost among the years, Let us keep Christmas still a shining thing: Whatever doubts assail us, or what fears, Let us hold close one day, remembering Its poignant meaning for the hearts of men. Let us get back our childlike faith again.

- Grace Noll Crowell

source: Grace Noll Crowell, “Whatever else”

topic: Christmas, Heart, Men, Jesus And Christmas, Jesus Christmas

Christmas Eve was a night of song that wrapped itself about you like a shawl. But it warmed more than your body. It warmed your heart...filled it, too, with melody that would last forever.

- Bess Streeter Aldrich

source: Bess Streeter Aldrich (1985). “Journey Into Christmas and Other Stories”, p.207, U of Nebraska Press

topic: Christmas, Song, Heart, Heart Filled, Jesus And Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

- Clement Clarke Moore

source: 1822 The Night Before Christmas.

topic: Christmas, Night, House, St Nicholas, Stirring

A merry Christmas to everybody! A happy New Year to the world!

- Charles Dickens

topic: Christmas, New Year, Years, Memorable Christmas, Funny Christmas

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

- Johnny Carson

topic: Birthday, People, Fruitcake, Humorous Christmas, Funny Christmas

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.

- Karolyn Grimes

source: "Fire In Belltown, USA Destroys Last Bell Factory". Interview with Renee Montagne, www.npr.org. May 31, 2012.

topic: Angel, Wings, Bells, Meaningful Christmas, Memorable Christmas

Let us keep Christmas still a shining thing...

- Grace Noll Crowell

source: Grace Noll Crowell, “Whatever else”

topic: Shining, Stills, Jesus And Christmas, Jesus Christmas, Childlike Faith

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Christmas, Jobs, Clever, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

- Kin Hubbard

topic: Christmas, Children, Mean, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

I heard the bells on Christmas Day Their old, familiar carols play, And wild and sweet The words repeat Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

topic: Christmas, Sweet, Men, Jesus And Christmas, Jesus Christmas

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

topic: Funny, Christmas, Witty, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

- Johnny Carson

topic: Funny, Christmas, Sarcastic, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Time

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

- Arlo Guthrie

topic: Christmas, Hair, Long, Funny Christmas, Long Hair

Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.

- Peg Bracken

topic: Christmas, Time And Love, Ingredients, Family Holiday, Christmas Time

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Christmas, Xmas, Past, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family...

- Berkeley Breathed

topic: Christmas, Intelligent, Compassion, Funny Christmas Card, Dear Lord

It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.

- William Thomas Ellis

topic: Christmas, Heart, Air, Gifts Of The Spirit, Family Holiday

Christmas is for children. But it is for grownups too. Even if it is a headache, a chore, and nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chill and hide bound hearts.

- Lenora Mattingly Weber

topic: Christmas, Children, Heart, Family Holiday, Inspirational Holiday

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!

- Dave Barry

topic: Christmas, Christian, Atheist, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Eve

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.

- Katharine Whitehorn

topic: Christmas, Views, Would Be, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.

- Hamilton Wright Mabie

topic: Christmas, Blessed, World, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

- Dave Barry

topic: Christmas, Wise, Stars, Parking Lot, Christmas Time

Heap on more wood! - the wind is chill; But let it whistle as it will, We'll keep our Christmas merry still.

- Walter Scott

topic: Christmas, Wind, Woods, Memorable Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know.

- Irving Berlin

topic: Christmas, Dream, White, Glisten, Inspirational Holiday

Christmas! The very word brings joy to our hearts.

- Joan Winmill Brown

topic: Heart, Joy, Meaningful Christmas, Inspirational Holiday, Merry

When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?

- Gilbert K. Chesterton

topic: Christmas, Gratitude, Children, Christmas Time, Inspirational Holiday

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love. It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.

- William Thomas Ellis

topic: Christmas, Blessed, Heart, Gifts Of The Spirit, Family Holiday

One can never have enough socks," said Dumbledore. "Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.

- J. K. Rowling

topic: Family, Christmas, Book, Merry, Merry Christmas Cards

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

- Henny Youngman

topic: Atheist, Holiday, Atheism, Merry Christmas Wishes, Winter Holiday

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

- Bob Phillips

topic: Christmas, Believe, Men, Humorous Christmas, Funny Christmas

Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance.

- Oren Arnold

topic: Tolerance, Enemy, Opponents, Jesus And Christmas, Jesus Christmas

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

- Shirley Temple

source: Quoted in Leslie Halliwell, Halliwell's Filmgoer's Companion (1984)

topic: Funny, Christmas, Mother, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day.

- Helen Steiner Rice

topic: Christmas, Funny Christmas, Earth, Humorous Christmas, Jesus Christmas

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

- Publilius Syrus

topic: Women, Believe, Trying, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Images

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

- Bernard Manning

topic: Christmas, Kids, Batteries, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.

- Laura Ingalls Wilder

topic: Christmas, Memories, Children, Christmas Time, Meaningful Christmas

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

- Kin Hubbard

topic: Funny, Christmas, Tears, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Inspirational

Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.

- Calvin Coolidge

topic: Christmas, Real, Mind, Jesus And Christmas, Jesus Christmas

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

- Bob Hope

topic: Christmas, Holiday, Simple, Loving Others, Joy Of Giving

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

- Erma Bombeck

topic: Christmas, Spiritual, Morning, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Eve