Funny Comedian Quotes:

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

- Winston Spear

topic: Funny Christmas, Nice, Taken, Christmas Lights, Funny Comedian

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

- Steven Wright

topic: Funny, Humor, Bird, Funny Comedian

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

- George Carlin

topic: Funny, Life, Witty, Funny Comedian

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

- Jerry Seinfeld

topic: Funny, War, Fighting, Swiss Army Knives, Funny Comedian

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

- Joan Rivers

source: "Remembering Joan Rivers" by Erica Diamond, www.huffingtonpost.com. September 8, 2014.

topic: Happiness, Money, Memorable, Hillarious, Secret To Happiness

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

- Woody Allen

source: "Death: A Comedy in One Act". Book by Woody Allen, 1975.

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Afraid Of Death, Meaningful Death

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

- Joan Rivers

source: "The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said"by R. Byrne, (p. 94), 2003.

topic: Funny, Witty, Baby, Hillarious, Unwanted

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

- Jerry Seinfeld

topic: Education, Humor, People, Funny Comedian, Alphabet Soup

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

- Steven Wright

topic: Funny, Laughter, Humor, Live Simply, Funny Motivational

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

- Joan Rivers

topic: Success, Inspiration, Memorable, Hillarious, Remembering Her

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

- Elayne Boosler

topic: Funny, Life, Hilarious, Humor And Laughter, Humor Laughter

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

- Bobcat Goldthwait

topic: Funny, Police, Video Cameras, Funny Comedian

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

- Rodney Dangerfield

source: "Laugh Off: The Comedy Showdown Between Real Life and the Pros". Book by Bob Fenster, 2005.

topic: Funny, Hate, Humorous, Funny Comedian

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

- Bruce Baum

topic: Funny, Mind, Way, Funny Comedian

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

- Paula Poundstone

topic: Funny, Mom, Lakes, Funny Comedian

I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?

- Garry Shandling

topic: Girl, Thinking, Fire, Kind Of Girl, Self Centered

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

- Jimmy Carr

topic: Funny, Nice, Gigs, Funny Comedian

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

- Ron Richards

topic: Funny, Humorous, Giving, Funny Comedian

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

- Warren Hutcherson

topic: School, Funny Relationship, Fire, Funny Comedian

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

- Mel Brooks

source: "The 2,000 Year Old Man". Animation, Comedy, 1975.

topic: Funny, Death, Suicide, Personal Tragedy, Funny Comedian

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

- Conan O'Brien

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Women, Funny Comedian, Duh

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

- Paul Rodriguez

topic: Funny, War, Teaching, Funny Comedian, Geography Teachers

Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away.

- Billiam Coronel

topic: Dog, Comedian, Looks, Chihuahua, Dog Food

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

- Lily Tomlin

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Thinking, Classic Music, Funny Comedian

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.

- Kevin Meaney

topic: Funny, Workout, House, Funny Comedian

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

- Rita Rudner

topic: Inspirational, Funny, Vegetarian, Leaning In, Vegetarian Food

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

- Richard Jeni

source: "A few words from Richard Jeni". www.cnn.com. March 12, 2007.

topic: New York, Funny Relationship, Thinking, Funny Comedian

One night I attended a Laughing Liberally comedy show. There was one funny comedian there - Lee Camp.

- Matt Labash

topic: Night, Laughing, Comedian, Comedy Shows, Funny Comedian

I've never set out to write a funny movie or be a funny comedian as a woman. I am a woman. I don't really have a choice in the matter. My goal is just to be funny.

- Maya Rudolph

topic: Writing, Goal, Choices, Funny Comedian

I have a funny sense of humor. If I was a comedian and I was up on stage, people would think that's funny, because I'm a funny comedian. I'm an entertainer.

- Lil B

topic: Thinking, People, Comedian, Funny Comedian

I myself grew up when radio was very important. I'd come home from school and turn on the radio. There were funny comedians and wonderful music, and there were plays. I used to pass time with radio.

- Kurt Vonnegut

source: Kurt Vonnegut (2011). “Kurt Vonnegut: The Last Interview: And Other Conversations”, p.138, Melville House

topic: Home, School, Play, Funny Comedian

When I get up in the morning, I go and I work with beautiful women and charming men and funny comedians and dramatic artists. And I'm presented with costumes and great music to choose from and sets. I travel a certain amount of places, so I've been living in a bubble. And I like it.

- Woody Allen

topic: Beautiful, Morning, Artist, Charming Man, Funny Comedian