Witty Christmas Quotes:

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

- Publilius Syrus

topic: Women, Believe, Trying, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Images

Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance.

- Oren Arnold

topic: Tolerance, Enemy, Opponents, Jesus And Christmas, Jesus Christmas

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

- Kin Hubbard

topic: Funny, Christmas, Tears, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Inspirational

Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?

- Tom Armstrong

topic: Christmas, Cities, Guy, Humorous Christmas, Funny Christmas

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

- Garrison Keillor

topic: Love, Funny, Christmas, Humorous Christmas, Meaningful Christmas

The earth has grown old with its burden of care, but at Christmas it always is young, the heart of the jewel burns lustrous and fair, and its soul full of music breaks the air, when the song of angels is sung.

- Phillips Brooks

topic: Christmas, Song, Angel, Meaningful Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

But I am sure that I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round...as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely.

- Charles Dickens

topic: Christmas, Heart, Men, Christmas Time, Carols

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

- Bernard Manning

topic: Christmas, Kids, Batteries, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

- Kin Hubbard

topic: Christmas, Children, Mean, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

topic: Funny, Christmas, Witty, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Christmas, Xmas, Past, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?

- Gilbert K. Chesterton

topic: Christmas, Gratitude, Children, Christmas Time, Inspirational Holiday

At Christmas play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.

- Thomas Tusser

source: Five Hundred Pointes of Good Husbandrie (1580)

topic: Christmas, Cheer, Holiday, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

- Jay Leno

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Christmas, Wise, Humorous Christmas, Merry Xmas Funny

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Christmas, Jobs, Clever, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

- George Carlin

topic: Christmas, Girl, Cheesy, Memorable Christmas, Merry Christmas Greeting Card

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

- Johnny Carson

topic: Funny, Christmas, Sarcastic, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Time

The only real blind person at Christmas time is he who has not Christmas in his heart.

- Helen Keller

topic: Christmas, Real, Heart, Christmas Time, Opening Our Hearts

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.

- Tom Sims

topic: Christmas, Years, Patterns, Humorous Christmas, Funny Christmas

The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others' burdens, easing other's loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas.

- William Carey Jones

topic: Christmas, Heart, Joy, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

- Charles Dickens

topic: Love, Christmas, Heart, Humorous Christmas, Family Holiday

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

- Bill Watterson

source: "Calvin and Hobbes". Comic strip by Bill Watterson, November 18, 1985 – December 31, 1995.

topic: Christmas, Xmas, Beer, Humorous Christmas, Merry Xmas Funny

Christmas, my child, is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas.

- Dale Evans

topic: Love, Marriage, Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit, Christmas Time

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.

- Norman Vincent Peale

topic: Love, Positive, Christmas, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

- Johnny Carson

topic: Birthday, People, Fruitcake, Humorous Christmas, Funny Christmas

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

- Jerry Seinfeld

topic: Funny, Christmas, People, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Card

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!

- Dave Barry

topic: Christmas, Christian, Atheist, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Eve