Henny Youngman quotes
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“What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”
-- Henny Youngman -
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“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”
-- Henny YoungmanSource : "A Softer World". Webcomic by Joey Comeau, February 7, 2003 - June 1, 2015.
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“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
-- Henny Youngman -
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“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did”
-- Henny Youngman -
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“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”
-- Henny YoungmanSource : "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.
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“You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
-- Henny Youngman -
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“A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”
-- Henny Youngman -
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“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”
-- Henny Youngman -
“She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”
-- Henny Youngman -
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“My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!”
-- Henny Youngman -
“The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'”
-- Henny Youngman -
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“I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”
-- Henny Youngman -
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“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'”
-- Henny Youngman -
“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.”
-- Henny Youngman -
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“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.”
-- Henny YoungmanSource : Geoffrey Chaucer (2016). “The Reeve's Prologue and Tale”, p.108, Cambridge University Press
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“I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.”
-- Henny Youngman -
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“All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!”
-- Henny Youngman -
“My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.”
-- Henny YoungmanSource : "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.
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“My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.”
-- Henny Youngman -
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“I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“We aim to please... You aim too, please.”
-- Henny Youngman -
“I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.”
-- Henny Youngman -
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