Steven Wright quotes
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“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”
-- Steven Wright -
“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
-- Steven Wright -
“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
-- Steven Wright -
“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”
-- Steven Wright -
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
-- Steven Wright -
“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
-- Steven Wright -
“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”
-- Steven Wright -
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“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
-- Steven Wright -
“All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.”
-- Steven Wright -
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.”
-- Steven Wright -
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”
-- Steven Wright -
“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”
-- Steven Wright -
“What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”
-- Steven Wright -
“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.”
-- Steven Wright -
“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”
-- Steven Wright -
“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.”
-- Steven Wright#Motivational Sports Quotes #Thinking Quotes #Indy 500 Quotes
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“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”
-- Steven Wright -
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“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".”
-- Steven Wright -
“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”
-- Steven Wright -
“I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!”
-- Steven Wright -
“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
-- Steven Wright -
“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
-- Steven Wright -
“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”
-- Steven Wright -
“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”
-- Steven Wright -
“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”
-- Steven Wright -
“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”
-- Steven Wright -
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“I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.”
-- Steven Wright -
“If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”
-- Steven Wright -
“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”
-- Steven Wright -
“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”
-- Steven Wright -
“You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.”
-- Steven Wright -
“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”
-- Steven Wright -
“When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”
-- Steven Wright -
“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”
-- Steven Wright -
“Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”
-- Steven Wright -
“Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”
-- Steven Wright -
“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”
-- Steven Wright -
“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
-- Steven Wright -
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“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”
-- Steven Wright -
“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabicâ€?”
-- Steven Wright -
“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”
-- Steven Wright -
“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”
-- Steven Wright#Procrastination Quotes #Tomorrow Quotes #Spontaneous Quotes
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“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I like to reminisce with people I don't know.”
-- Steven Wright -
“Is it weird in here, or is it just me?”
-- Steven Wright -
“I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?”
-- Steven Wright -
“I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.”
-- Steven Wright -
“It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.”
-- Steven Wright -
“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
-- Steven Wright -
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese”
-- Steven Wright -
“I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”
-- Steven Wright -
“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”
-- Steven Wright -
“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”
-- Steven Wright -
“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.”
-- Steven Wright -
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“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”
-- Steven Wright -
“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
-- Steven Wright#Inferiority Quotes #Very Good Quotes #Inferiority Complex Quotes
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“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
-- Steven Wright -
“Why isn’t the word “phonetically†spelled with an “fâ€?”
-- Steven Wright -
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“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”
-- Steven Wright -
“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
-- Steven Wright -
“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”
-- Steven Wright -
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