Funny Divorce Quotes:

A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you.

- Margaret Atwood

topic: Broken Heart, Lost Love, Divorce, Amputation, Marriage And Divorce

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.

- Robert Anderson

topic: Love, Inspirational, Anniversary, Husband To Be, Amputation

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Love, Inspirational, Life, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they 'don't understand' one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

- Helen Rowland

source: Irvin S. Cobb, Mary Roberts Rinehart, Helen Rowland, Richard Saunders (2017). “We Should All Be So Feminine: We Should All Be a Feminist: We Should All Be Feminists”, p.70, Lulu.com

topic: Marriage, Single, Divorce, Inspirational Divorce, Parents Divorce

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

- Robin Williams

topic: Single, Money, Rip, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

I can't get divorced because I'm a Catholic. Catholics don't get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.

- Lenny Clarke

topic: Funny, Divorce, Hatred, Festering, Funny Divorce

What we wait around a lifetime for with one person, we can find in a moment with someone else.

- Stephanie Klein

source: Twitter post from Sep 22, 2015

topic: Relationship, Waiting, Moments, Inspirational Divorce, Funny Divorce

My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce.

- Joyce Brothers

topic: Marriage, Husband, Divorce, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

- Groucho Marx

topic: Funny, Sarcastic, Crazy, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

- Joan Rivers

topic: Breakup, Divorce, Unhappy, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass.

- Mary Blakely

source: Mary Kay Blakely (1995). “American Mom: Motherhood, Politics, and Humble Pie”, p.125, Simon and Schuster

topic: Divorce, Bypass, Psychological, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

topic: Funny, Marriage, Sarcastic, Humor Love, Jury

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

- Tommy Manville

topic: Judging, Tears, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce, Funny Divorce

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

- George Burns

source: Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

topic: Love, Inspirational, Funny, Always Happy, Large Family

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Let me tell you, honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

- Larry Gelbart

source: "M*A*S*H. Season 3. Bulletin Board". TV Series,

topic: Funny, Witty, Divorce, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.

- Lee Trevino

topic: Home, Divorce, Golf, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always

- Red Skelton

topic: Inspiration, Names, Missing, Marriage Humor, Marriage Jokes

A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.

- Jean Kerr

source: Jean Kerr (1965). “Mary, Mary”, p.33, Dramatists Play Service Inc

topic: Jobs, Divorce, Friendly, Morticians, Divorce Lawyers

Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5000 Gideon Bibles.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

source: "10 bizarre divorce settlements" by Ethan Trex, edition.cnn.com. January 04, 2010.

topic: Divorce, Gideon, Settlement, Funny Divorce

The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.

- John Kenneth Galbraith

topic: Divorce, Firsts, Life Is, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.

- Jean Kerr

source: Jean Kerr (1965). “Mary, Mary”, p.19, Dramatists Play Service Inc

topic: Inspirational, Life, Marriage, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation.

- Lord Chesterfield

topic: Funny, Marriage, Drinking, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

Nowadays love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and divorce a matter of course.

- Helen Rowland

topic: Love, Relationship, Money, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

- Ambrose Bierce

topic: Divorce, Diplomatic Relations, Boundaries, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.

- Helen Rowland

source: A Guide to Men "Divorces" (1922)

topic: Love, Divorce, Literature, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

source: "Wit and wisdom: Zsa Zsa Gabor's best and most memorable quotes". www.theguardian.com. December 19, 2016.

topic: Divorce Lawyers, Funny Divorce, Housekeeping, Hilarious Short

You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat.

- Mike Tyson

topic: Sleep, Divorce, Cutting, Inspirational Divorce, Funny Divorce

Its easier to get a divorce than pass the driving test. Now its just a basic form-filling exercise.

- Paul Coleridge

topic: Divorce, Exercise, Tests, Funny Divorce, Getting A Divorce

It was one of those ridiculous arrangements that couples make when they are separating, but before they are divorced - when they still imagine that children and property can be shared with more magnanimity than recrimination.

- John Irving

topic: Children, Couple, Divorce, Funny Divorce, Happy Divorce

In our family we don't divorce our men - we bury them.

- Ruth Gordon

topic: Divorce, Men, Our Family, Funny Divorce, Happy Divorce

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

- Lewis Grizzard

topic: Funny, Marriage, Hilarious, Getting Married, Good Sex

To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy Mansion for a while.

- James Caan

source: "James Caan: What I've Learned". Interview with Ross Johnson, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

topic: Funny, Divorce, Playboy, Funny Divorce, After Divorce

There are four stages to marriage. First there's the affair, then there's the marriage, then children, and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.

- Norman Mailer

source: News Summaries, December 31, 1969.

topic: Children, Divorce, Cynical, Funny Divorce, After Divorce

A divorce lawyer is a chameleon with a law book.

- Marvin Mitchelson

topic: Book, Divorce, Law, Law Books, Divorce Lawyers

I can't take his genius any more.

- Rita Hayworth

source: "The Cigar That Fell in Love With a Pipe review - David Camus and Nick Abadzis revisit Welles and Hayworth" by Rachel Cooke, www.theguardian.com. May 26, 2014.

topic: Funny, Divorce, Genius, Funny Divorce

The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce.

- Miguel de Cervantes

topic: Divorce, Worst, Reconciliation, Funny Divorce

I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.

- Woody Allen

topic: Home, Divorce, Should Have, Funny Divorce, Should Have Known

Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.

- H. L. Mencken

source: A Little Book in C Major ch. 6 (1916)

topic: Marriage, Devil, Ransom, Marriage And Divorce, Alimony

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

- Woody Allen

topic: Single, Divorce, Vacation, Funny Divorce, After Divorce

Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.

- Rich Vos

topic: Funny, Moving, Divorce, Funny Divorce, Years Of Marriage

Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.

- Dave Mordal

topic: Funny, Divorce, Wife, Enablers, Funny Divorce

I do not consider divorce an evil by any means. It is just as much a refuge for women married to brutal men as Canada was to the slaves of brutal masters.

- Susan B. Anthony

topic: Mean, Divorce, Men, Inspirational Divorce, Divorce Lawyers

Divorce is probably of nearly the same date as marriage. I believe, however, that marriage is some weeks the more ancient.

- Voltaire

topic: Believe, Divorce, Ancient, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced.

- Elinor Glyn

topic: Husband, Divorce, Wife, Funny Divorce, After Divorce

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.

- Mignon McLaughlin

source: Mignon McLaughlin (2014). “Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin”, p.24, BookBaby

topic: Love, Anniversary, Marriage, Husband To Be, Marriage And Divorce

What happened? Satan was busy?

- Sam Kinison

topic: Funny, Divorce, Busy, Funny Divorce

In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers.

- Garry Trudeau

topic: Spring, Divorce, Thinking, Palm Springs, Divorce Lawyers

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

topic: Funny, Women, Lost Love, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

- Jack Benny

topic: Best Love, Divorce, Years, Marriage And Divorce, Marriage Divorce