Hilarious Short Quotes:
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
topic: Funny, Life, Hilarious, Have A Laugh, Witty One Liners
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
topic: Birthday, Growing Up, Growing, Inspirational Age, Older People
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Science, Hilarious Short
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
topic: Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic, Life Humor, Funny Jokes
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
topic: Funny, Smile, Hilarious, When Things Go Wrong, Funny Leadership
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
source: Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com. 
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Humorous, Medical Doctor, Medical Education
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
source: "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners" edited by Geoff Tibballs, (p. 299), 2004.
topic: Funny, Hilarious, Laughter, Funny Leadership, Just Thinking Of You
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
topic: Life, Positive, Success, Witty One Liners, Dilbert
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Hilarious, Accounting, Accountants
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
topic: Funny, Marriage, Hilarious, Marriage Humor, Funny Sarcastic
I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it.
topic: Insanity, Suffering, Minutes, Funny Bumper Sticker, Funny One Liner
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Inspiring, Nobody Cares, Money Management
source: "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Encouraging, Funny Leadership, Lemons
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
topic: Funny Inspirational, Women, Memorable, Status Updates, Whatsapp
topic: Funny, Hilarious, Laughter, Marriage Humor, Marriage Jokes
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
topic: Funny, Witty, Laughter, Innuendo, Funny Jokes
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
source: "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.
topic: Funny, Friendship, Education, Joy Of Reading, Inspirational Dog
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
source: FaceBook post by Steve Martin from Jun 14, 2011
topic: Funny, Witty, Laughter, Every Night, My Sunshine
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
source: Quoted in Saturday Review, 28 Jan. 1967
topic: Hate, Prejudice, Comedy, Hilarious Short, I Hate Everyone
My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
source: "Wit and wisdom: Zsa Zsa Gabor's best and most memorable quotes". www.theguardian.com. December 19, 2016.
topic: Divorce Lawyers, Funny Divorce, Housekeeping, Hilarious Short
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
topic: Educational, Two, Use, Hilarious Short
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
topic: Funny, Laughter, Eye, Her Eyes, Lovers Eyes
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
source: Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).
topic: Funny, Hilarious, Witty, Need Money, Funny Sarcastic
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Motivational, Humorous Birthday, Staying Young
I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
source: "Death: A Comedy in One Act". Book by Woody Allen, 1975.
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Afraid Of Death, Meaningful Death
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
topic: Success, Funny Inspirational, Failure, Photographic Memory, Murphys Law
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
topic: Inspirational, Inspiring, Laughter, Individual Differences, Anthropology
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
source: "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.
topic: Funny, Life, Hilarious, Hilarious Short, Funny Business
topic: Mind, Age, Matter, Humorous Birthday, Staying Young
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
topic: Inspirational, Funny, Life, Military History, Military Soldier
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
topic: Funny, Hilarious, Wife, Humorous Love, Marriage Jokes
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
topic: Life, Sarcastic, Memories, Bad Memories, Witty One Liners
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT
source: Darynda Jones (2013). “Fifth Grave Past the Light”, p.21, St. Martin's Press
topic: Funny, Birthday, Humorous, Life Humor, Funny Jokes
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
source: George Burns (1986). “Dear George: advice & answers from America's leading expert on everything from A to B”, G K Hall & Co
topic: Funny, Witty, Humorous, Old Age Humor, Endless Sea
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.
topic: Love, Marriage, Husband, Humorous Love, Marriage Humor