Funny Holiday Quotes:

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

- Jay Leno

source: "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

topic: Funny, Christmas, Wise, Humorous Christmas, Merry Xmas Funny

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.

- Hamilton Wright Mabie

topic: Christmas, Blessed, World, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

- Charles Dickens

topic: Love, Christmas, Heart, Humorous Christmas, Family Holiday

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

- Kin Hubbard

topic: Funny, Christmas, Tears, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Inspirational

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

- Phyllis Diller

topic: Christmas, Jobs, Clever, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.

- Calvin Coolidge

topic: Christmas, Real, Mind, Jesus And Christmas, Jesus Christmas

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

- Shirley Temple

source: Quoted in Leslie Halliwell, Halliwell's Filmgoer's Companion (1984)

topic: Funny, Christmas, Mother, Humorous Christmas, Inspirational Holiday

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

- George Carlin

topic: Christmas, Girl, Cheesy, Memorable Christmas, Merry Christmas Greeting Card

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

- Dave Barry

topic: Christmas, Religious, Holiday, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Time

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

topic: Funny, Christmas, Witty, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

- Johnny Carson

topic: Funny, Christmas, Sarcastic, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Time

Christmas is the day that holds all time together.

- Alexander Smith

topic: Christmas, Holiday, Together, Humorous Christmas, Jesus Christmas

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

- Kin Hubbard

topic: Christmas, Children, Mean, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance.

- Oren Arnold

topic: Tolerance, Enemy, Opponents, Jesus And Christmas, Jesus Christmas

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.

- Bill Vaughan

topic: Inspirational, Family, Happy, Humorous Christmas, Gifts Of The Spirit

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

- Jerry Seinfeld

topic: Funny, Christmas, People, Humorous Christmas, Christmas Card

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

- P. J. O'Rourke

source: P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.136, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

topic: Funny, Christmas, Money, Humorous Christmas, Merry Christmas Cards

When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?

- Gilbert K. Chesterton

topic: Christmas, Gratitude, Children, Christmas Time, Inspirational Holiday

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

- P. J. O'Rourke

source: P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.138, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

topic: Inspirational, New Year, Clever, Spiritual New Year, Christian New Year

Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone.

- Charles M. Schulz

topic: Christmas, Funny Christmas, Littles, Gifts Of The Spirit, Family Holiday

I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.

- Fred Rogers

source: Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

topic: Children, Holiday, Suspense, Climax, Holiday Season

I heard the bells on Christmas Day Their old, familiar carols play, And wild and sweet The words repeat Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

topic: Christmas, Sweet, Men, Jesus And Christmas, Jesus Christmas

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.

- Karolyn Grimes

source: "Fire In Belltown, USA Destroys Last Bell Factory". Interview with Renee Montagne, www.npr.org. May 31, 2012.

topic: Angel, Wings, Bells, Meaningful Christmas, Memorable Christmas

I have had a holiday, and I'd like to take it up professionally.

- Kylie Minogue

topic: Travel, Funny Christmas, Holiday, Funny Holiday, Great Holiday

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.

- P. J. O'Rourke

source: P. J. O'Rourke (1983). “Modern manners”, Dell Books

topic: Funny, Christmas, Xmas, Humorous Christmas, Neckties

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

- Bob Phillips

topic: Christmas, Believe, Men, Humorous Christmas, Funny Christmas

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

- Garrison Keillor

topic: Love, Funny, Christmas, Humorous Christmas, Meaningful Christmas

Love the giver more than the gift.

- Brigham Young

topic: Love, Christmas, Meaningful, Inspirational Holiday, Merry Christmas Inspirational

To many people holidays are not voyages of discovery, but a ritual of reassurance.

- Phillip Adams

topic: Travel, Holiday, Discovery, Inspirational Holiday, Reassurance

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

- Andy Rooney

topic: Christmas, World, Rooms, Humorous Christmas, Meaningful Christmas

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

- Henny Youngman

topic: Atheist, Holiday, Atheism, Merry Christmas Wishes, Winter Holiday

A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.

- George Bernard Shaw

topic: Work, Holiday, Definitions, Inspirational Retirement, Funny Holiday

As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December's bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.

- Donald E. Westlake

topic: Christmas, Struggle, Aggravation, Inspirational Holiday, Christmas Shopping

Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks.

- Chris Rock

topic: White, Independence, Slave, Funny Holiday

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

- Jon Stewart

topic: Funny, Thanksgiving, Land, Inspirational Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Day

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

- Louis C. K.

topic: Funny Christmas, Drinking, People, Christmas Carol, Funny Holiday

Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it 'white'.

- Bing Crosby

topic: Christmas, Blessed, Holiday, Humorous Christmas, Meaningful Christmas